The path to a more simple life - time to be just a mom

God's voice has never been something that I hear on a regular basis. I admit that discerning when it's a God-thing and when it's a me-thing is sometimes difficult at best. However over the past few months I've had this nagging feeling that I should go back to just being a mom.

Where does this drive come from to do all the things I do - anyways? There's a certain feeling of inadequacy that creeps in at times to tell me I'm not doing enough and I can do more. When people ask me what I do I admit to feeling inadequate when I answer that I'm just a mom. So I've filled my life with responsibilities and obligations: Lactation counseling, teaching breastfeeding classes, attending homebirths, trying to work some in the midwife's office, planning teas at church, leading LLL meetings and taking on the position of AAPL with the LLL area of FL and the English speaking Islands. This is in addition to my desire to homeschool my children, keep a garden growing, care for chickens, cats and a dog - on top of trying to cook from scratch, eat organic produce and healthy meats - all the while dreaming of living a more simple and sustainable life!

And then there are times when I sit and seriously contemplate all those things I accomplish as "just a mom." My daughter is learning how to read, my son is learning how to be a sweet little boy. My kids are learning how to garden and care for animals, they play well together. I'm teaching Maddie how to play the piano - we're learning simple French phrases and words. Sometimes I want to just sit and marvel at the wonderful little people we're raising - I should do this more often because it encourages me in my mothering.

I can't tell you how many times lately I've told them "not right now" or "just a minute" because I was too busy reading an email, talking on the phone or doing something online that just HAD to be addressed at that minute and my children were put on the back burner.

That makes me feel like a terrible person. Especially when I call my child and they tell me "just a minute" or "not right now."

So I want to start saying "yes - i have time for you" instead of constantly sending them the message that they aren't as important as whatever I'm doing at that moment.

The past few weeks have been a hard wake-up call for Mike and I on not just the state of our own marriage, but the state of several of our friends' marriages. Just in our circle there are 4 families either divorcing or quickly heading that way. Every situation is different, but still serious issues that seem to be irreconcilable. Seeing what this is doing to their families and to their children is so hard to watch and after we recently renewed our wedding vows we promised each other that this would not happen to us. Let's face it - the odds for marriage just aren't that great and it takes a lot of hard work to keep things rolling, especially when you have young kids.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I just don't have to or need to work. I'm one of the very lucky ones who can be a stay-at-home-mom with no regrets and I should embrace that fully. I just wish that I didn't feel like I always have to be doing something else to make it count for myself. Being a mom should just be enough. After all I am contributing to the future of society in raising responsible, loving and compassionate children, right?

Of course making this decision means that I'm going to have to ultimately let some people down - mostly the people I work with in homebirth. While I love being at the births and find it incredibly empowering and healing - I find that I don't like being away from my children or husband. I miss them terribly and worry a lot while I'm away from them. Part of me feels like this is still something I've been called to do, but that maybe right now just isn't the right time. My children need ME now - not anyone else. There will be many more homebirths years down the road when my children are older and don't depend on me nearly as much as they do now. I know some people with young children who are in similar lines of work and have no problems leaving their children - but I'm just not comfortable with doing it when they are so young and impressionable. I can only find peace knowing that I'm making the best decision for myself and my family.

One other reason I've come to this realization is that Maddie will be homeschooled starting next Fall and I know I will need to focus completely on homeschooling in the beginning. It will take us a while to get into a rhythm with our schooling and I want that to be a high priority as she starts her "formal" education. We are planning several trips as well and I want the freedom and flexibility to turn these trips into educational experiences.

Michael is fully supportive of this I might add - he wants me to cut all my obligations and just focus on raising our kids and enjoying our family. He says that things that cause me so much stress aren't worth it and ultimately he's correct. He's been asking me to do this for a while and honestly it's time I honored my husband and just stayed home (well not all the time  - I do need to go to the grocery store at times!)

So my days of a more simple life are upon me. I am continuing as a LLL leader and the AAPL for Florida and ESI. I will still be the organizer for the Barbara Harper Waterbirth Training in May and then I'm free! I'm going to practice saying NO more often and just enjoy life with my two brilliant kids who want me to teach them everything about life and more. 


We're so happy that Spring is here - our garden is starting to thrive again and seeds will start poking their heads out soon. 


Travels will take us to Central Florida in May for the FL and ESI Leader's retreat for LLL. The kids and I are heading to Indiana in April for a wedding and some exploring up there during the spring. Maddie graduates from preschool in June (I just can't believe it!). 


Life is really wonderful these days. I love my kids and husband - my chickens and garden. I've found good organic produce and dry goods through the local buying club and will start getting fresh milk products in 2 weeks, too! Next on my list is to buy either a half or quarter of a cow that is grassfed/finished and to pick up the chicken (meat) from a local kid who is raising them to sell. I also think a trip to Pensacola is soon on the schedule - time to go to Ever'mans and play at some of the parks there in town, too.


Beach days are fastly approaching as well - I better get them in before it gets so hot!