Dear Wyatt, on your 6th birthday

Dear Wyatt,

Today you reached the awesome age of six years old. It seems like you have been part of our family forever and that there is not a time I can't remember you being with us. From a wee babe of just over 6 lbs to a young man of 6 - you have grown so much!
This past year has been full of changes for you and for our family. No longer the baby, you are now the middle child. I struggled with this title for a while - you just don't seem like middle child material. But Maris placed you in the middle and it seems to suit you well.

You are still petite at 6 - just now fitting into size 5 clothes and too short for the 20" bike your dad was convinced you'd be able to ride. We went with a 16" bike instead (just like mommy told daddy you needed). You are so close to doing a headstand and are eager to take gymnastics classes starting in January.

Kindergarten is ok. Most days you walk out and are rather grumpy. I think it's mostly because you are hungry and tired, but we're trying to get past that part. It's still winter break right now and you are eager to return to school. You are starting to read and that makes your mom and dad really proud of you!

I look at the young man you are becoming and other than the whining (which I am praying you'll grow out of this year...) you are an amazing little man! You love your baby sister so much and are such a great help with her. While you and your older sister, Maddie, don't always get along - you are incredibly close and play so well together. You have a lot of empathy for people and animals and I am very proud of this quality. It makes me feel like just maybe I've gotten something right with you.

When I found out that you were a boy years ago - I was so scared to parent a little boy. Most of the boys I knew weren't incredibly sweet and loving and I just knew that if you were mean and naughty I'd consider myself a failure as a mom.

However, all those days and hours and years of instilling empathy and love on you have paid off and you are a pretty cool little guy. This past year hasn't been easy - you've learned how to whine like a master... but you're working through it and your dad and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't wait to see the young man you're growing into - you make your daddy and I so very proud of you!

We love you so much!

Love, Mom and Dad

Surfing lessons

Last night we met my friend Stephanie and her kids Seven and Isla at the beach for surfing lessons. The kids had a blast and the babies hung out!

Raising a Princess and a Knight

Sometimes I look at my son and my daughter and wonder what they will be like when they grow up. Will they be kind, compassionate, empathetic?

I want so much for both of them and feel a tremendous burden of responsibility to teach them as much as I can about the world and relationships - because one day I know they will leave their parents and cleave to their spouse - starting their own journey in life.

My son, Wyatt, is empathetic, he is kind and loving. I want him to grow up knowing how to treat a girl - whether she's his friend or something more one day. I want him to treasure and protect his love one day.

For my daughter, Maddie, I desire her to be confident in who she is as a young woman  - knowing that her Father in Heaven loves her more than anything. I want her life to be full of love so she doesn't go looking for that love and admiration from other people and things. I want her to expect to be loved and treasured and protected by whoever God has chosen for her to marry one day.

Recently I bought a book for Maddie at the Christian bookstore. It was about a princess and three knights (that's actually the title) and the artwork was beautiful. I sat on the floor in the store and read it to her and found myself tearing up as I read it to her.

The father of the princess is choosing a husband for his daughter and he wants him to have all the right qualities - but more than anything he wants a man who will cherish and love his daughter for her internal beauty and not just her physical beauty.

In the end it is the knight who refuses to put the princess in danger - saying that he loves her and would never take her anywhere near the cliff - who wins the heart of the girl and her father. He cherishes and treasures her for the rest of their lives - always protecting her.

Today at lunch Wyatt told me that he is going to protect his little girlfriend - "Mama, I'm going to protect Nicole when I grow up."

My mind raced forward 20 years thinking of who he will be as a young man and I know that my little boy is going to grow up to be a young man who cherishes, treasures and protects his love.

I hope that in some way he will grow up learning how to be a Godly man and one day the spiritual head of his household. I pray that he will continue to offer such beautiful, insightful prayers as he grows and that his walk with God and Jesus will continue always.

I pray that Maddie will grow into a young woman who loves Jesus. I hope she will never settle for less than what she deserves - a young man who cherishes, treasures and protects her just like her Heavenly Father does.

These things weigh heavily on my heart. Sometimes the burden of shaping children - leading them towards the adults they one day will be - overwhelms me. I see bright moments - breakthroughs - and it carries me through the darker times when I feel discouraged.

Camping - It was fun while it lasted...

It was a good idea - while it lasted, that is.

Growing up in England and Montana  - I camped a lot. Naturally I want to share this experience with my little family. Now I'm not ready to go into the Bob Marshall Wilderness with them - but I thought it might be fun to do a trial night in my parent's backyard. We were going to practice camping, that is.

Apparently we need a lot more practice!

Overall things went well - we set up the tent quickly and moved in with our inflatable air mattress, blankets and pillows. The kids had a blast playing in the tent through the afternoon and early evening. For dinner we roasted hot dogs over the campfire I built and nurtured in my parent's outdoor fireplace. I roasted some ears of corn and baked some amazing melt-in-your-mouth potatoes. For the grown-ups I grilled ribeyes (we were really roughing it!). The kids had a blast eating the hot dogs on their roasting sticks and the adults moved inside (mosquitoes were getting bad) and enjoyed their meal. After dinner we roasted marshmallows although I was the only one besides my mom who ate any. Maddie enjoyed cooking them, but then refused to eat any!

Mike came by after his fishing trip and enjoyed a steak and potato while I fussed over the nasty bite on his leg - from a wahoo (fish). The kids had baths and were relaxed and ready for bed so we made our way out to the tent after a rousing game of finding batteries for the flashlight (rolls eyes).

We got out into the tent and I noticed that the air mattress was deflated considerably a little low. Being the Girl Scout that I am not I had planned head and ran an extension cord out to the tent so I could adjust the mattress if needed. I added some air and the kids piled on for bedtime stories.

Wyatt immediately started complaining that he didn't like the tent and wanted to go inside and sleep with Mimi. I made it through two stories and he was relentless so I unzipped the door, padded back inside and begged my mom to let him sleep inside. I think he would have just come inside on his own if I didn't try to plea on his behalf - he was determined not to sleep outside. Ten minutes later he was asleep in her bed.

Maddie and I chatted for a while about the stars and other silly things that people discuss late at night under the stars. As she prattled on I could feel the air seeping out of the mattress as my body seemed to drift lower and lower. I must have fallen asleep eventually - Maddie was snoring quite loudly and the dewpoint had been reached as everything in the tent was damp.

Instead of up high on the mattress we were rather engulfed in it and I decided that the tent was a lost cause at the same moment Maddie awoke and exclaimed that she had to pee NOW.

I gathered up our pillows and blankets and somehow managed to get both of our shoes on and the door unzipped and rezipped and she raced into the house - only to race back to where I was trying to walk and not drop anything on the ground - because she couldn't open the door. I don't think she was really awake honestly!

Crisis averted I helped her to the bathroom then explained to my mom our dire situation with the mattress. We devised a sleeping plan that included leaving my dad in the spare room (where he retired after losing his side of the bed to Wyatt) and moving Wyatt to my sister's bed and putting Maddie in with my mom. Unfortunately this puts poor Natalie on the couch, but she'll stay up watching her Anime movies until who knows when so she typically doesn't mind terribly. I moved her pillows and blankets and wrote her a cute note from Wyatt explaining our dilemma and left her a piece of chocolate.

So now I'm inside (actually relieved at the moment) where I'm swatting at imaginary bugs because my skin is crawling and itchy. I'm also now (not thankfully at all) experiencing the allergies that everyone has been complaining about that I've smugly avoided until my brief stint in the backyard "camping." Thankfully my mom gave me a zyrtec and I'll be less itchy in the morning.

So hopefully the next adventure will be more successful - only time will tell.

At least we tried, right? I'd much rather pack up and come inside my parents house than have to pack up camp at 1 a.m. and go home!

Ten on Tuesday

I've recently reconnected with my past Speech and Debate Coach Elizabeth Dillow (from Great Falls High School). She keeps a pretty neat blog and one thing I really like about it is she does this list every Tuesday - called "Ten on Tuesday." She lists 10 things about the week, her family, etc - maybe includes a picture of her girls and posts it.

Many of my dedicated readers know that I've been struggling for the past year (ok 2) in my writing. Lots of excuses reasons that are really good bad mostly. So I'm adopting Elizabeth's 10 on Tuesday and making it my own to see if I can at least once a week post a list of 10 things going on in our life.

So here goes!


1. It's Spring Break for Maddie's preschool and we're trying to pack as much into our week as possible. Yesterday we knocked a bunch of stuff off our my to-do list. We paid our property taxes (OUCH!) and then had lunch at Hungry Howie's with my mom. We saw the chiropractor then came home so I could make dinner. I made some rocking shallot and rosemary focaccia with oven roasted sweet and white potatoes along with some country fried venison backstrap.

2. Wyatt is challenging me in ways that I don't think I experienced with Maddie. He has completely weaned (sob!) and since then has turned into a holy terror who tantrums, screams, yells at me and generally makes my days miserable off and on until he collapses in exhaustion. Everything is a battle suddenly and even the most simple thing is causing tantrums. He's challenging my gentle discipline philosophies like they've never been challenged before!

3. Mike and I harvested a truckload of FREE bamboo from my Felicia's backyard. This morning I built my first teepee trellis for beans this summer and I'm quite proud of myself! It's beautiful and everything was free or found growing in my backyard (saplings). I can't wait to see it covered with beautiful beans and peas  - maybe a cucumber too.

4. Fishing season is starting and it looks like I won't see much of my husband this summer. That's good and bad - good for extra money, but bad because it always puts a strain on family life when Daddy is gone so much. We're trying to squeeze in as much fun as a family on weekends and nights as we can before he's working every weekend.

5. Getting a dog was a mistake. Apollo is a nice dog, but he's still a puppy and obedience training only goes so far when you don't have time to enforce it every second of the day. He steals toys and food, still gets up on the counters at times and I just don't understand the need to sit in the backyard and bark for hours - you'd think he'd lose his voice!

6. Wyatt and I found a worm this morning and put him in a jar with some compost and fruit scraps. He's enjoying watching it tunnel around the glass jar.

7. My garden is starting to take shape! The peas are up a few inches tall now and the potatoes are peeking out of the soil. I have two asparagus spears up and can't wait until next year when I can actually harvest them! I should probably plant more soon. My tomato plants have flowers and i'm hoping to see some tomato seeds sprout soon (i had to start over). I have volunteer potato plants in the backyard where the old compost pile was and I'm excited to say there are some baby potatoes on them! I can't wait to have new potatoes!

8. For the first time in 5 years my bed is not on the floor. I'm sick of our bedroom being the family dumping grounds and this weekend we cleaned it out and made it look halfway nice.

9. I'm taking the kids to see How to Train Your Dragon this afternoon and I think I'm as excited to see it as they are.

10. I love the Spring. I actually like getting up early before the kids are up - sitting at the table drinking my tea or coffee and listening to the birds sing. I built that trellis this morning before Maddie was ever even awake! I dread the coming heat and humidity of summer. For now I love being able to leave the doors and windows open.

Homeschooling moments

Education doesn't just start in the formal school age years - it's something that is ongoing from birth. Or at least that is my philosophy. Our decision to homeschool wasn't something that came easily or without much heated discussion at times. However now that we're all on the same page - the only burden that remains is choosing which curriculum we're going to use next year. 

Until then I'm just improvising with little lessons for both of them. We've been working hard on phonics and sight words and I'm ecstatic to say that Maddie is reading simple sentences! I bought her these little books (similar to BOB books) at Toy Magic and last night we sat down and she read them both to me with very little help. I'm so proud of her!

I took these pictures a few weeks ago - Maddie was asking about the number 100 so we counted out 10 groups of 10 beans and counted by 10's and 1's all the way to 100. She also practiced writing her numbers. 

Who says homeschooling has to happen at a certain time of day or for a certain amount of time? I took these pictures one night last week. Wyatt took a late nap that day and was wired still by later in the evening. I think I was cleaning the kitchen and turned around to see that he'd dragged his chair and the little folding table into the kitchen. He was sitting there looking so cute - and then he said - "I want to do school!"

Even at 10 p.m. I was thrilled that he wanted to learn! I bought him a Do a Dot activity book called Play and Learn at Toy Magic in FWB and this was the perfect opportunity to do it without Maddie wanting to do it, too.

I haven't worked with him much honestly - but he's definitely learning from his sister! He can count to 10 and knows many of the numbers to 20, just not in the right order. We're just starting letter names and sounds and I'm going to do them phonetically instead of the straight names.

I had to make him stop after doing six letters - he would have kept going I think! It was late and I was tired! We'll work on writing letters some other time. I don't think he's ready just yet.

Beach day

Every day I watch in wonder as my children 

The path to a more simple life - time to be just a mom

God's voice has never been something that I hear on a regular basis. I admit that discerning when it's a God-thing and when it's a me-thing is sometimes difficult at best. However over the past few months I've had this nagging feeling that I should go back to just being a mom.

Where does this drive come from to do all the things I do - anyways? There's a certain feeling of inadequacy that creeps in at times to tell me I'm not doing enough and I can do more. When people ask me what I do I admit to feeling inadequate when I answer that I'm just a mom. So I've filled my life with responsibilities and obligations: Lactation counseling, teaching breastfeeding classes, attending homebirths, trying to work some in the midwife's office, planning teas at church, leading LLL meetings and taking on the position of AAPL with the LLL area of FL and the English speaking Islands. This is in addition to my desire to homeschool my children, keep a garden growing, care for chickens, cats and a dog - on top of trying to cook from scratch, eat organic produce and healthy meats - all the while dreaming of living a more simple and sustainable life!

And then there are times when I sit and seriously contemplate all those things I accomplish as "just a mom." My daughter is learning how to read, my son is learning how to be a sweet little boy. My kids are learning how to garden and care for animals, they play well together. I'm teaching Maddie how to play the piano - we're learning simple French phrases and words. Sometimes I want to just sit and marvel at the wonderful little people we're raising - I should do this more often because it encourages me in my mothering.

I can't tell you how many times lately I've told them "not right now" or "just a minute" because I was too busy reading an email, talking on the phone or doing something online that just HAD to be addressed at that minute and my children were put on the back burner.

That makes me feel like a terrible person. Especially when I call my child and they tell me "just a minute" or "not right now."

So I want to start saying "yes - i have time for you" instead of constantly sending them the message that they aren't as important as whatever I'm doing at that moment.

The past few weeks have been a hard wake-up call for Mike and I on not just the state of our own marriage, but the state of several of our friends' marriages. Just in our circle there are 4 families either divorcing or quickly heading that way. Every situation is different, but still serious issues that seem to be irreconcilable. Seeing what this is doing to their families and to their children is so hard to watch and after we recently renewed our wedding vows we promised each other that this would not happen to us. Let's face it - the odds for marriage just aren't that great and it takes a lot of hard work to keep things rolling, especially when you have young kids.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I just don't have to or need to work. I'm one of the very lucky ones who can be a stay-at-home-mom with no regrets and I should embrace that fully. I just wish that I didn't feel like I always have to be doing something else to make it count for myself. Being a mom should just be enough. After all I am contributing to the future of society in raising responsible, loving and compassionate children, right?

Of course making this decision means that I'm going to have to ultimately let some people down - mostly the people I work with in homebirth. While I love being at the births and find it incredibly empowering and healing - I find that I don't like being away from my children or husband. I miss them terribly and worry a lot while I'm away from them. Part of me feels like this is still something I've been called to do, but that maybe right now just isn't the right time. My children need ME now - not anyone else. There will be many more homebirths years down the road when my children are older and don't depend on me nearly as much as they do now. I know some people with young children who are in similar lines of work and have no problems leaving their children - but I'm just not comfortable with doing it when they are so young and impressionable. I can only find peace knowing that I'm making the best decision for myself and my family.

One other reason I've come to this realization is that Maddie will be homeschooled starting next Fall and I know I will need to focus completely on homeschooling in the beginning. It will take us a while to get into a rhythm with our schooling and I want that to be a high priority as she starts her "formal" education. We are planning several trips as well and I want the freedom and flexibility to turn these trips into educational experiences.

Michael is fully supportive of this I might add - he wants me to cut all my obligations and just focus on raising our kids and enjoying our family. He says that things that cause me so much stress aren't worth it and ultimately he's correct. He's been asking me to do this for a while and honestly it's time I honored my husband and just stayed home (well not all the time  - I do need to go to the grocery store at times!)

So my days of a more simple life are upon me. I am continuing as a LLL leader and the AAPL for Florida and ESI. I will still be the organizer for the Barbara Harper Waterbirth Training in May and then I'm free! I'm going to practice saying NO more often and just enjoy life with my two brilliant kids who want me to teach them everything about life and more. 


We're so happy that Spring is here - our garden is starting to thrive again and seeds will start poking their heads out soon. 


Travels will take us to Central Florida in May for the FL and ESI Leader's retreat for LLL. The kids and I are heading to Indiana in April for a wedding and some exploring up there during the spring. Maddie graduates from preschool in June (I just can't believe it!). 


Life is really wonderful these days. I love my kids and husband - my chickens and garden. I've found good organic produce and dry goods through the local buying club and will start getting fresh milk products in 2 weeks, too! Next on my list is to buy either a half or quarter of a cow that is grassfed/finished and to pick up the chicken (meat) from a local kid who is raising them to sell. I also think a trip to Pensacola is soon on the schedule - time to go to Ever'mans and play at some of the parks there in town, too.


Beach days are fastly approaching as well - I better get them in before it gets so hot!

pneumonia

Normally healthy - our family has been hit hard with sickness the last few weeks. The kids had nasty colds a few weeks ago and Wyatt started with a wet but productive cough. He also had styes on his eyes - hence the three visits to the dr. last month because eyes aren't something that can be fixed by chiropractic care!

Last Wednesday he ended up back at the dr. because he had 2 more styes on the other eye and I just wasn't happy with them spreading from one eye to the other. Dr. Justice (love him!) prescribed some drops for his eyes and thankfully they're (slowly) getting better.

We switched to Dr. Justice last year and I really like him a lot. He's great with Wyatt and really on the ball. My only "complaint" is that he's family practice and doesn't see a lot of young pediatric patients and hence isn't in the habit of checking ears and listening to breathing each visit just because... If he was then maybe I would have been saved another $35 co-pay (man do those add up!).

So the same day that Wyatt went for his eye - he started coughing again and this time it sounded different. I don't really know how to describe it - but I just knew that something was wrong. Because I'm the watch and see kind of parent I monitored it over the next few days and by Sunday I knew it was something that needed to be discussed with the dr. I called first thing monday morning only to wait 5 hours for a return call to tell me they had no openings for him that day.

We took an appointment at 11:15 this morning instead.

It was hard getting him up and moving this morning - he kept telling me that he wanted to go back to sleep. By the time we dropped Maddie off to school (late) he was looking pretty tired. We went to Cafe Liquid and he just wasn't himself - didn't want to leave my lap and was acting quite lethargic.

We got to the dr. and I told his nurse that I really feared that Wyatt had pneumonia and I was right unfortunately.

He's on azythromyacin for 5 days and we go back next tuesday to see if he's better. I really hope my little guy gets better soon - I hate seeing him so sick!

sunshine at last

I have to start by saying that this has been the coldest, wettest winter I've experienced in my 10 years on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Generally our winters are fairly mild with a few days below freezing. This year, however we've had weeks below freezing with a small break in the temperature only to return to below freezing yet again.

From a gardeners standpoint it's been incredibly depressing and from the standpoint of a mother with rambunctious children - it's been equally depressing!

So today with the sun shining fiercely and the temperature in the upper 60s if not lower 70s my young family and I ventured outside for some much needed vitamin D therapy!

We I started out the morning by weeding and de-rooting the front garden where we I intend to plant Maddie's birthday garden. As I turned the soil, incorporating the decaying mulch and the compost I purchased recently - visions of all the veggies I will add to her flower bed spurred me on. After about 2 hours of hard work the bed is just about ready to receive flowers and bulbs and some seeds as well.

While I labored in the dirt Maddie and Wyatt laid out blankets and towels in the yard and did some sunbathing. They played a few games and slowly the amount of "stuff" that accumulated became ridiculous!

The mailman was welcomed by Apollo who tried to sound impressive, but his wagging tail gave him away. Moments later the day's mail lay strewn across the yard and at one point when we were all taking a break a small whirling dirvish appeared and contributed to the craziness.

The sun felt so good - I think I had forgotten how nice it felt to be warmed by the sun!

As the weed pile grew and the flower bed looked nicer I noticed a discombobulated looking toad who I'd no doubt roused from hibernation in the dirt. She (he?) was promptly named princess and subjected to all the niceties due to princess toads. Maddie and Wyatt carried it around until I decided it was looking dehydrated and then they proceeded to submerge the poor thing in a bowl of freezing water. She woke up and hopped out of the bowl -only to be placed back into it time and time again. I finally declared that it was time for her to go back to the garden and buried her to save her!

It's been a nice morning - other than thinking a hawk had carried off cocoa (she eventually rematerialized from under the storage building).

I'm trying to start living more simply again - and focusing more on writing and loving on my kids. All the rest can wait -my kids need me more!

Wyatt's thoughts on Mommy Milk

Just now as I was helping Wyatt back into his clothes after using the potty he decided to share with me a few thoughts about Mommy Milk - so I have to share.

He reached up and put his hand on my chest...

"I'm feeling the mommy milk," he said. "It's all filled up."

"I love Mommy Milk!"

"I love it for nighttime!"

Me:

"Wyatt, what do you like about Mommy Milk?"

Wyatt:

"the heart."

Every time he nurses he finishes by placing his ear against my breast and listening to my heart - most nights he falls asleep listening to my heartbeat.

Snippets from Wyatt's mouth...

Wyatt has the vocabulary of a 5-year old and the communication skills to match - he also has a crazy, fun personality that constantly sets us to laughter. I just wanted to write down a few minute's worth of conversation to remember later on...

"Mommy, I want you to go and I will stay here," Wyatt said. He's been hanging out with my sister this morning so I could get some work done at the office for an upcoming homevisit.

"I got some lots of money for me!" - he's been going through my brother and sister's rooms finding all the discarded change. This kid is going to be rich one day on other people's careless casting aside of their coins!

What did you do with Nat-Nat today?

"Just stay home and be sick. I was just pretending, right? Everything, like anything - I did everything, right? I'm Lava-Girl."

"I took a bath but it was not fun."

oh yeah? Why wasn't it fun?

"Because it was not fun, just because it was not fun." he answered.

"Last night Maddie got her teeth lost," he told my sister's friend - a total stranger.

The long, sad goodbye

Last year as I sat down to write my son's 2nd birthday letter I was mostly thinking about how much longer our breastfeeding relationship would last.

He seemed to be weaning - most days were so busy for my little man that he rarely stopped to ask to nurse. I was convinced and dreadful that the end was coming soon.

So I'm happy to say that a year later at three years old he's still nursing - but not much.

It's funny to me how people expect weaning to be a quick process, full of absolutes - the end. While weaning in the first year of life must be done deliberately - as most mothers' milk supplies are abundant and a sudden stop can spell disaster for a mom (and baby) - the weaning of a toddler is on an entirely different plane of thought.

In La Leche League we talk about natural weaning - other term's I've heard used are child-led or baby-led weaning and mother-led weaning. They all have very different meanings. Child-led weaning is just that - the child dictates when he or she wants to wean - not taking into consideration the opinion of the mother nursing them. Mother-led weaning is also quite simple to explain - the mother decides when and how to wean the child.

Natural weaning is a gentle give and take process that involves the emotions and opinions of both mom and child and this is what works best for us in our family. Other families may choose a different option, but I believe both Wyatt and I should have a voice in this decision.

When I was about 9 weeks pregnant with Wyatt I found myself having to make a radical decision and wean Maddie abruptly. She was 15 months old and my heart was broken that I would not meet the goal I set for 2 years of breastfeeding. After experiencing a lot of abnormal pain and cramping early in my pregnancy an ultrasound revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage and my doctor recommended weaning Maddie because nursing causes uterine contractions and he didn't want contractions to increase my chance of miscarrying the baby.

I went home and never nursed her again. I remember having to keep my distance lest she ask me to nurse. My heart was broken and I grieved for days and in some ways I grieve that loss still today.

One thing I constantly tell moms at the LLL meetings I lead is that I have experienced a profound difference in mothering toddlers when I compare the toddlerhood of Maddie who was not breastfed beyond 15 months and that of Wyatt who is still nursing at 3 years old.

Think about the tantrums, the frustrations, the owies and boo boos. Then think about having a secret weapon that would allow you to connect with your child on a primal level (because as Dr. Harvey Karp puts it, they're little Neanderthals). There is nothing more soothing and satisfying to both mother and child than being able to solve almost any problem under the sun by nursing.

There have been many times when I've used this secret weapon - sometimes by choice and others out of necessity. There have been days that were just "off" - every little thing caused a tantrum and we've sat down or laid down and had some quiet time nursing and talking and the rest of the day just turned around.

I can't tell you enough how important nursing has been for the many owies that come with raising toddlers (and boys).

In October the kids and I drove up to Ellijay, GA to visit our friends and adopted grandparents Harry and Elaine Heinisch. It was Sunday morning and we'd just finished church and the kids wanted to play on the playground there at the church. Maddie was on the swings and Wyatt was running around. You never see these kinds of things coming, but Harry was pushing Maddie on the swing and had just given her a big push and at the same moment Wyatt walked right into the path of the swing as she was on her way up.

It always happens in slow motion - but I felt terror and dread as I watched her connect with his little body. He flew up in the air, spun around and came down hard on a railroad tie. I guess in some ways I should be thankful that it was his head and not an area of his body less protected - an arm or a leg would easily have broken and I'm sure he would have had some internal damage had he landed on his abdomen.

It only took a second for the screaming to start and even though I was at a strange church in a strange down I did the thing that came to me most naturally (after deciding his neck wasn't in danger) and that was to grab him, sit down and nurse him. It wasn't easy - I was wearing layers plus an underwire bra, but I managed to get him latched on.

Instantly he stopped screaming and sobbing - his little body still convulsed with the aftermath of sobbing so hard - for a few minutes - but he calmed down.

Did you know that breastfeeding provides pain relief? It releases chemicals in the brain that relieve pain and bring comfort. So while many might have rushed to the hospital (I was told the local hospital wasn't that great of a place and the nearest "good" hospital was probably 20 miles away) - I instinctively offered him my breast to bring him comfort and pain relief.

That is probably the worst injury he's had to date - and he promptly went to see his chiropractor the next week when we returned home (and he was definitely out of alignment!).

These days our nursings are short and infrequent. He typically nurses the longest in the mornings and often at night he nurses for just a second or two before putting his cheek against my breast and going to sleep. There are times at night when he stirs (we're still co-sleeping) and asks for milk in his dreams and sometimes he'll nurse for 10 minutes as he slumbers.

Last night he was climbing into his chair at the dinner table, somehow missed the chair and connected his brow bone with the chair, fell down and rolled under the table. I scooped him up and we sat in our favorite chair in the living room and I offered to nurse.

He rejected my offer and asked for his pacifier instead.

I was floored! He had never once rejected nursing as a comfort measure. Surely this was the end I told my pouting self.

However after a moment with his paci he put his hand on my chest and asked for "mommy milk." I breathed a sigh of relief and put him to my breast. He didn't stay long, but laid his cheek against my bare skin and sighed.

So this relationship is no doubt coming to an end eventually. It might be today or months down the road. It is a long, sad goodbye for me as he's most likely my last baby. God only knows if we'll be blessed with another but for now the answer has always been "no."

I'm not holding on - forcing him to keep nursing. I'm just riding the ebb and flow of our beautiful relationship - knowing inevitably it will come to a close. I'll have fond memories and pictures to remind me how it felt to snuggle my babies at the breast and I'll miss that closeness that only nursing a baby can bring to a mother.

It's not time just yet to say goodbye, but the time is close at hand.

I will miss those moments and with sadness will leave my days of mothering through breastfeeding behind - carrying with me the many ideals and lessons I've learned as I venture into just mothering, without my secret weapon.

digging a hole

The kids and I were out in the backyard just now - working in the garden and such. My father "papa" walked into the backyard and started digging a hole with a post-hole digger. 

I inquired several times why he was digging a hole in my backyard and he refused to answer.

"You'll see," he said.

After he'd dug a rather deep hole - he went back to his truck and came back with a huge, black pole. I got it at that moment - remembering that the basketball hoop from his driveway was dismantled and in the bed of his truck last night.

Wyatt was ecstatic! He now has his own "real" basketball hoop just off the back patio and it's been lowered to the perfect height. He can shoot hoops to his hearts delight.

Thank you papa for such a sweet surprise!

Superman to the rescue

"I'm superman, I'll save you" Wyatt tells his sister (who is always the damsel in distress). 

It's amazing to me how the simple act of tying on a blanket - a fleece, penguin blanket in this instance - can create minutes (hours one day?) of fun.

"Stop falling Maddie!" Wyatt screams at her as he comes over to ask me to remove his cape  - "I'm not superman" he tells me. 

I guess in this case it only created a few seconds of fun, but it was fun watching them.

At almost 3 and 5 their verbal skills are improving daily and I love listening to their conversations. They don't always speak nicely to each other but there are a few moments here and there.

Presently Wyatt is running around in his diaper with a spiderman sticker on his chest. "I'm going to the water, mom! I'm going to see the mermaids and go swimming!" 

Honestly I'm proud of my son who is so verbally affluent - even if he's going swimming with mermaids.

"Daddy's fishing," he says. "Daddy doesn't love me" (What? of course he loves you!) "I'm crying."

Why are you crying I ask? 

"Because I want dad," he responds.

Mike is fishing today and it's always hard when he's gone on the weekends. Our weeks are so full - school, mom's day out and various other activities - they don't get to spend much time together except on the weekends. 

Well the moment is deteriorating and it's time for a certain little boy to take a nap!

Eggstravaganza in the backyard

We've done the Egg Dash - our city's annual Easter activity - a few hundred kids line different ball fields strewn with eggs and toys and the entire event is over in about 2 minutes.

It's not that great in my opinion - not for the amount of time you spend in line versus the time dashing for eggs.

So instead of dealing with the craziness this year I decided to host a small egg hunt in my back yard - with one special addition: The Easter Bunny!

It's been a few years since Angel has donned her Easter Bunny costume for us - and I'm so glad she agreed to dress up for us this year!

We had a blast - the kids had to actually hunt for the eggs versus finding them scattered out on the ground for them - it took them a while to find them all and even then I still found a few at the end of the day!

Another special treat for the kids were our two bitty baby chicks - they tolerated the holding and petting so well!

Here are some pictures:

We miss you Daddy!

We are really missing you daddy! 

Tonight when Wyatt saw this picture he said "I miss you Daddy."

He keeps running into the living room saying "I think Daddy's home."

Even Maddie misses him - and she's always the one who protests over the hugs!

They both want him home and so do I - we miss you honey :) Come home soon! 

A moment to think..eh. write

My house is quiet - but only because Mike and the kids are at church and I've come back home.

I've been reading this book - Raising Your Spirited Child - and today I read the section about extroverts and introverts. Not speaking really about personality or social skills - but about how you recharge your energy.

I'm definitely an introvert - I need personal space and alone, quiet time to recharge and refresh.

With two toddlers - it's not something I get a whole lot of these days. So when I'm grumpy and sullen - it probably means I haven't gotten any time to myself.

So I asked Mike if he would lead the class and take over all the "Mommy" duties of church and I would come home for some much needed quiet.

Mike is leaving to go out of town in about a week - he'll be gone through the end of the month - so my quiet time is even more important knowing I won't get a break while he's gone!

We're back from our trip to Birmingham. We didn't really get any answers but still I feel a little bit better. The doctor would like to do another CT scan - but this time with Wyatt sedated - and do more views of his sinuses and tonsils and adenoids. We had blood drawn for more immunoglobulin panels - this time also checking the subclasses. He said that Wyatt's tonsils are huge, but it was up to us if we wanted to remove them. Basically he said we could be as aggressive or conservative as we'd like - but that if it was his child he'd err on the side of conservative. We agree - although it's still frustrating having a child who just can't breathe out of his nose because it's so impacted with crud all the time. 

As a small act of mercy - Wyatt slept all night last night - it was the first time in more than 6 months.

So we're waiting for the blood work to come back and we'll see what that says. Right now we're scheduled to return to Birmingham for the CT scan on April 14th, but we have to find out how much money it's going to cost first...deductible's suck!

I'm relieved to say that I'm now officially a La Leche League leader :) It has been a long time coming and I'm happy!

I still need to write Maddie's letter - and I'll get to it soon - I hope.

My garden is starting to take off - I am so excited! My seeds are all sprouted and growing well - I just put little tomato seedlings in the ground this weekend and transplanted some melons and cucumbers. My spinach and chard are up and the peas are starting to climb the fencing!

Even though my intentions were pure - I know I'm still going to buy a few of the "genetically modified" vegetable plants - just to jump start some of our harvesting... I want to try growing sweet potatoes again and I can't start those from seeds!

I'll post pictures one of these days.. another thing on my to-do list.

Remember Me?

I'm sure I'm just a figment of your imagination these days - that used-to-be-blogging momma who used to update with little stories and insights daily - and pictures even!

Obviously I'm just a shadow of that woman these days - for oh-so-many reasons.

First of all - I used to love the freedom of my Macbook - but after the unfortunate New Year's accident I am now tied to a plug and no longer have the run of the house (unless I want to unplug and move to a different plug). I also have to be very careful because if the little charger gets disconnected the computer dies in about 20 seconds. Here's thanking the cat and the glass of Banana Crush.

For the past year I have been working towards accreditation as a La Leche League leader - and I'm happy to say that all I'm waiting for now is to sign my statement of commitment and send in my leader dues tomorrow! Whew - I am glad to be done with it!

Wyatt is still fighting those nasty infections in his sinuses and next Monday we are driving to see a pediatric ENT in Birmingham to see what to do about it all. A CT scan showed that one of his sinuses is completely blocked and the other is nearly as bad. I'm certain there is surgery in his future.

There are so many other things going on - part of it is that I'm just plain busy. I'm singing most weeks in the contemporary band at church - which I love. This means that I'm usually gone on Tuesday nights for rehearsal and gone early on Sunday mornings for rehearsal and then the services. I've also committed to the Palm Sunday performance called "Yahweh." So in addition to leading the Truth Project on Wednesday nights at 6 - I'm running to choir practice at 7ish so I don't miss the songs we're doing for that performance.

Mike is getting ready to leave for about 2 weeks - I think this will be the longest he's been gone from me - I'm sure that when he walks in the door when he gets back - I'll be walking out for a much needed break!

So that's it for the moment. I'm going to do a small separate blog about a funny veggie now..

The rest of the story

Every day I start with the intention of writing something - anything! - but it hasn't happened. The more days that go by the more upset I get with myself for not writing - about the kids, our life right now, the garden, birth stuff, etc.

So I'm going back to making lists - because that has always worked in the past to get me back into writing. If you see something of particular interest - leave me a comment and let me know you'd like the rest of the story and I'll make an effort to write it out.

Maddie's 4th Birthday party - the birthday garden

Wyatt's naked romp at my parents house - "I spit it out mommy," as he pointed to the puddle of pee on the floor.

Gardening adventures - what's growing, seeds, etc.

Doula certification on hold...

Wyatt's upcoming trip to see a pediatric ENT at UAB (University of Alabama-Birmingham)

La Leche League Leader accreditation

The drama in the birth community and other petty onslaughts (might only be available through LJ).

Grandma Grace is back - and oh so happy to visit with Wyatt on Mardi Gras.

"No- I not take a nap!" and other dramatics by the two-year old in the house.

"Excuse me, you don't talk to your mother that way!" and other interesting things Maddie says to her brother and others - but doesn't practice herself.

Dear Madeleine - on your 4th Birthday (this will be written in the next week).

Busy season for Mike coming up - lots of away time from us - starting in mid-march (gone for 2+weeks then)