*I started writing this just a few hours before my water broke and my labor and birth experience started. It's been saved as a draft since then, but I'm publishing it because it's important to me to remember my thoughts*
Sometime last year I finally accepted and embraced the fact that we were going to be a two-child family. Maddie and Wyatt were 4 and 6 and life was falling into a rhythm of ease and comfort. We had talked about having a larger family, but between having no maternity insurance and not as much savings as we'd like - planning to have another child was not something on the horizon.
And then there was the whole fact that it had been 4 years and no birth control and plenty of moments when we weren't exactly careful. I began to feel that the infertility issues I experienced in conceiving Maddie were back.
I stopped tracking my cycles and just embraced life - not worrying about the details.
Until one day at the end of February when after a visit with my lovely chiropractor I went home and took a Dollar Tree home pregnancy test.
There were two lines...
I remember texting her my disbelief - she wasn't surprised though!
I can't remember if my kids were with me but I know I went to Wal-mart and purchased several (maybe 7?) pregnancy tests. I didn't trust the Dollar Tree test, even though I knew it was correct.
Thinking back - it might have been a Wednesday night and the kids were at AWANAs - because I remember them not being in the house. I showed the test to Mike and expecting the worst - received the biggest smile I've seen from him in a long time. He was excited! I was in shock.
One of the first phone calls I made was to a midwife, Vicki Taylor. She and I had developed a professional relationship and I knew without a doubt that I wanted her to be my midwife for this pregnancy.
My birth experiences with Maddie and Wyatt were pretty common - both were c-sections. Neither of the sections were for "good" reasons. In fact, I had an elective section with Maddie. I was uneducated and ill-informed. My own mother had only had c-sections so there was no birth culture in my family. Wyatt was a forced repeat section as the hospital where my OB delivered did not support VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section).
After Wyatt's birth - I started to educate myself on birth and breastfeeding. I had the breastfeeding part down - but I started to pursue becoming an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). One simply cannot learn about breastfeeding and not learn about birth in the process - the two are so closely connected!
As I explored the realm of normal childbirth I went through a range of emotions. I encountered criticism and harsh judgement from others who viewed my own birth choices as unacceptable. I literally went through the stages of grief as I processed my own births in light of what I was learning was normal.
Because I've had 2 prior c-sections - my birthing options are severely limited in the Florida Panhandle. My own OB referred me to someone else when I asked about a VBA2C. Another OB at another hospital quoted me some heinous uterine rupture "rates" that were no where close to what the studies actually say. I told her I had pretty much decided to use a midwife and stay at home - and she almost choked - telling me that I was crazy to even think about it. There is only one OB around here who would consider a VBAC after 2 sections - and he's my midwife's backup doctor. I knew that I didn't want to be in the hospital if I could avoid it, so it seemed a win-win situation to use Vicki as my care provider.
I knew I wanted something different - I wanted more from my care provider and more from my birth experience. I wanted to have someone listen to me and educate me about pregnancy and birth. I wanted someone who would palpate my belly and tell me what position the baby was in... I wanted a total immersion experience in my pregnancy. I wanted the midwifery model of care.
Friday, January 13, 2012
The different baby
By the time Maris joined our family - I felt like an experienced momma. Between breastfeeding and general mothering I was prepared to mother my little girl in full attachment parenting style - or my version of it.
Imagine my surprise to have a baby who doesn't "need" as much of that kind of mothering as my other two did...
Maris is a different baby in so many ways. I never expected her to be the same as Maddie and Wyatt - but I didn't expect her to be so different either.
For her first 6 weeks she never nursed for comfort. She would nurse, come off the breast and commence to screaming until she passed out from exhaustion. I didn't leave the house more than what was absolutely necessary. When she got upset in the car she would start throwing up. Twice she choked while doing this and it scared me to death.
As I tried to get to know this little soul - I noticed what I thought were symptoms of reflux. She seemed to always be bringing up fluid, but it was going back down instead of coming out as spit up. There were times when she spit up a lot and many times it was projectile. It wasn't exorcist projectile - but it was hitting 6 inches consistently. When she screamed it was awful. Her body was rigid and she seemed to be in pain. Every picture I took of her when she was in pain showed her little body contorted. She would claw at her face, turn red and start sweating. I felt so helpless to help her. Nursing brought her no comfort, instead it seemed to make the pain worse. Diaper changes were more times she screamed because she hated being on her back.
After Thanksgiving I made an appointment and took her to the doctor. He listened to me describe her symptoms and agreed that it sounded like reflux. He suggested two medicines and an upper GI. We decided to wait on the upper GI due to her young age and the fact that the medicines produced such a happier baby.
Within 4 hours of her first dose of zantac - she was a different baby. Mike and I sat around that evening not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Our little family had been so stressed and our days so tense that a night of quiet was odd. She slept and slept after that first dose. I think her little body was so relieved of pain that it relaxed and she rested.
She's still on the meds at almost 3 months old. Honestly, I'm scared to try a day without them!
She now nurses to sleep at times and comfort nurses as well. I breathed a sigh of relief the first time she stayed on the breast and nursed to sleep. I didn't know what to do with a baby who refused the breast for comfort.
Maris likes her space. This is something different from my other babies. She is always in a wrap when we're out and about, but at home she prefers to be in her own space most of the time. We have this nifty rocker that is inclined and it's one of her favorite places to be. She's in it right now - half awake as I rock it with my foot. She sleeps in the rocker for most of her daytime naps and usually starts out the night in it before sleeping next to me. We don't have a schedule but she has a fairly predictable pattern these days. She wakes up between 6 and 8, nurses, is awake for a few and then shows me she's tired again. I use a large, thin swaddle blanket folded in half to swaddle her arms only, give her the paci and lay her on her side in the rocker. Sometimes she requires white noise as well. I discovered the other day that the air return in the hallway is a good place for her to sleep if the a/c unit's fan is running.
In some ways she's very high need - because when she's unhappy it takes a lot to settle her down. Maddie cracks me up with her term for swaddling: "Mom, you need to caterpillar her up!" But on the other hand she's an easy baby. She sleeps so well - often only waking up once in the early morning. Sometimes I have to wake her up for a random reason, but usually she's good from about 9 or 10 until 3-5 a.m. She sometimes nurses around midnight, but not always. I feel very lucky in that respect. My other two snacked all night long. I feel better rested this time around and with three little ones I need all the rest I can get.
Maybe it's just that I feel so much more confident in my mothering that it seems a little easier this time around. I just know how to "do" babies.
I still stare at her when she's asleep at night. My heart swells with the love that only a mother or father can truly understand. I am amazed at how much love I can have for each of my children. My heart split open wide the moment I saw her little head emerging. (I loved her before then, but there's something about the moment a child is born that seals them to you forever.)
Sometimes during the day - instead of folding clothes or unloading the dishwasher - I sit and hold her, talking to her, telling her stories and how much she's loved. I marvel in her smiles and love her pouty faces. I cherish each moment of my baby girl's day.
Imagine my surprise to have a baby who doesn't "need" as much of that kind of mothering as my other two did...
Maris is a different baby in so many ways. I never expected her to be the same as Maddie and Wyatt - but I didn't expect her to be so different either.
For her first 6 weeks she never nursed for comfort. She would nurse, come off the breast and commence to screaming until she passed out from exhaustion. I didn't leave the house more than what was absolutely necessary. When she got upset in the car she would start throwing up. Twice she choked while doing this and it scared me to death.
As I tried to get to know this little soul - I noticed what I thought were symptoms of reflux. She seemed to always be bringing up fluid, but it was going back down instead of coming out as spit up. There were times when she spit up a lot and many times it was projectile. It wasn't exorcist projectile - but it was hitting 6 inches consistently. When she screamed it was awful. Her body was rigid and she seemed to be in pain. Every picture I took of her when she was in pain showed her little body contorted. She would claw at her face, turn red and start sweating. I felt so helpless to help her. Nursing brought her no comfort, instead it seemed to make the pain worse. Diaper changes were more times she screamed because she hated being on her back.
After Thanksgiving I made an appointment and took her to the doctor. He listened to me describe her symptoms and agreed that it sounded like reflux. He suggested two medicines and an upper GI. We decided to wait on the upper GI due to her young age and the fact that the medicines produced such a happier baby.
Within 4 hours of her first dose of zantac - she was a different baby. Mike and I sat around that evening not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Our little family had been so stressed and our days so tense that a night of quiet was odd. She slept and slept after that first dose. I think her little body was so relieved of pain that it relaxed and she rested.
She's still on the meds at almost 3 months old. Honestly, I'm scared to try a day without them!
She now nurses to sleep at times and comfort nurses as well. I breathed a sigh of relief the first time she stayed on the breast and nursed to sleep. I didn't know what to do with a baby who refused the breast for comfort.
Maris likes her space. This is something different from my other babies. She is always in a wrap when we're out and about, but at home she prefers to be in her own space most of the time. We have this nifty rocker that is inclined and it's one of her favorite places to be. She's in it right now - half awake as I rock it with my foot. She sleeps in the rocker for most of her daytime naps and usually starts out the night in it before sleeping next to me. We don't have a schedule but she has a fairly predictable pattern these days. She wakes up between 6 and 8, nurses, is awake for a few and then shows me she's tired again. I use a large, thin swaddle blanket folded in half to swaddle her arms only, give her the paci and lay her on her side in the rocker. Sometimes she requires white noise as well. I discovered the other day that the air return in the hallway is a good place for her to sleep if the a/c unit's fan is running.
In some ways she's very high need - because when she's unhappy it takes a lot to settle her down. Maddie cracks me up with her term for swaddling: "Mom, you need to caterpillar her up!" But on the other hand she's an easy baby. She sleeps so well - often only waking up once in the early morning. Sometimes I have to wake her up for a random reason, but usually she's good from about 9 or 10 until 3-5 a.m. She sometimes nurses around midnight, but not always. I feel very lucky in that respect. My other two snacked all night long. I feel better rested this time around and with three little ones I need all the rest I can get.
Maybe it's just that I feel so much more confident in my mothering that it seems a little easier this time around. I just know how to "do" babies.
I still stare at her when she's asleep at night. My heart swells with the love that only a mother or father can truly understand. I am amazed at how much love I can have for each of my children. My heart split open wide the moment I saw her little head emerging. (I loved her before then, but there's something about the moment a child is born that seals them to you forever.)
Sometimes during the day - instead of folding clothes or unloading the dishwasher - I sit and hold her, talking to her, telling her stories and how much she's loved. I marvel in her smiles and love her pouty faces. I cherish each moment of my baby girl's day.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Getting it right... finally
It's taken us almost 7 years and three kids to find our groove as a family.
I'm not sure why, but I've always balked at following a routine or schedule. A free spirit - I prefer to float aimlessly through life. Sadly - it's not always an option when you're deep in the trenches of motherhood and your little ones need structure.
My years as a mother have been fraught with stress over not being a good housekeeper - my laundry is always out of control and my house feels cluttered and overwhelming on a daily basis. I've cleaned out, gotten rid of and re-organized the spaces in my house so many times I've lost count.
The addition of a third little one to our family has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my domestic status. I'm tired of being a slave to my house and dare I say a slave to my (older) children. I've grown tired of picking up after them when they are capable of picking up their own toys. I'm over asking them to do or not to do things over and over and over and over.
So 2012 is the year I get my house and my life in order!
I ended 2011 by deciding to let go of a few things in my life. The hardest decision I had to make was to put homeschooling on hold and send Maddie to first grade. I love having her at home - I love Classical Conversations and teaching her myself. What I didn't love was the fact that she was disrespectful and obstinate about reading and writing. We could sit and do math all day long but when it came to reading we hit a wall. She could read, but she wasn't progressing in my opinion. A perfectionist like her mother, she would hit a word she didn't instinctually know and stop. Asking her to sound it out was futile because she would rather die than do that! This led to a lot of frustration for both of us.
It's been a rough transition for all of us. The first day was great. She was excited and came home so happy. The second morning and every morning since then there have been tears and begging. However she comes home every day and tells me that it was better than the day before. If she wasn't coming home happy I would pull her out in an instant. But I know it's just as hard for her to leave mommy as it is for me to send her to another person for schooling. I miss her. I miss her help with Maris, too.
But there's also this part of me that loves having the two older ones in school. It's so nice to have peace and quiet during the day. I'm actually getting chores done early enough to find time for ME. This is something that hasn't been a priority really, nor a reality.
The biggest benefit of Maddie going to school though, has been the forced routine and organization. I have to get up early in order to make sure she has a good breakfast, her lunch is made, folder in her bag and get her to school on time. The mornings of Wyatt waking up at 8:30 and racing to get ready for preschool are over because he wakes up early with his sister. We are finally finding a rhythm and routine in our family.
It's like a breath of fresh air.
Tonight I'm going to bed with an empty sink and a decent amount of clean laundry. My kitchen isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but I can work on it some more tomorrow. My floors need to be swept, but I can do that tomorrow as well.
The house seems to be staying cleaner with the older kids both in school - and that's a huge sigh of relief for me :)
Another unexpected benefit is for my laundry basket: Maddie isn't constantly changing her clothes all day as she was when she was at home!
So little by little I'm finding my groove. We've got a rhythm that will only get more defined as the weeks go by. I miss my little girl and boy while they are at school, but I swear I'm a calmer, nicer mom now when they are home.
It's what works best for our family at this time in our life - and that's ok.
I'm not sure why, but I've always balked at following a routine or schedule. A free spirit - I prefer to float aimlessly through life. Sadly - it's not always an option when you're deep in the trenches of motherhood and your little ones need structure.
My years as a mother have been fraught with stress over not being a good housekeeper - my laundry is always out of control and my house feels cluttered and overwhelming on a daily basis. I've cleaned out, gotten rid of and re-organized the spaces in my house so many times I've lost count.
The addition of a third little one to our family has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my domestic status. I'm tired of being a slave to my house and dare I say a slave to my (older) children. I've grown tired of picking up after them when they are capable of picking up their own toys. I'm over asking them to do or not to do things over and over and over and over.
So 2012 is the year I get my house and my life in order!
I ended 2011 by deciding to let go of a few things in my life. The hardest decision I had to make was to put homeschooling on hold and send Maddie to first grade. I love having her at home - I love Classical Conversations and teaching her myself. What I didn't love was the fact that she was disrespectful and obstinate about reading and writing. We could sit and do math all day long but when it came to reading we hit a wall. She could read, but she wasn't progressing in my opinion. A perfectionist like her mother, she would hit a word she didn't instinctually know and stop. Asking her to sound it out was futile because she would rather die than do that! This led to a lot of frustration for both of us.
It's been a rough transition for all of us. The first day was great. She was excited and came home so happy. The second morning and every morning since then there have been tears and begging. However she comes home every day and tells me that it was better than the day before. If she wasn't coming home happy I would pull her out in an instant. But I know it's just as hard for her to leave mommy as it is for me to send her to another person for schooling. I miss her. I miss her help with Maris, too.
But there's also this part of me that loves having the two older ones in school. It's so nice to have peace and quiet during the day. I'm actually getting chores done early enough to find time for ME. This is something that hasn't been a priority really, nor a reality.
The biggest benefit of Maddie going to school though, has been the forced routine and organization. I have to get up early in order to make sure she has a good breakfast, her lunch is made, folder in her bag and get her to school on time. The mornings of Wyatt waking up at 8:30 and racing to get ready for preschool are over because he wakes up early with his sister. We are finally finding a rhythm and routine in our family.
It's like a breath of fresh air.
Tonight I'm going to bed with an empty sink and a decent amount of clean laundry. My kitchen isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but I can work on it some more tomorrow. My floors need to be swept, but I can do that tomorrow as well.
The house seems to be staying cleaner with the older kids both in school - and that's a huge sigh of relief for me :)
Another unexpected benefit is for my laundry basket: Maddie isn't constantly changing her clothes all day as she was when she was at home!
So little by little I'm finding my groove. We've got a rhythm that will only get more defined as the weeks go by. I miss my little girl and boy while they are at school, but I swear I'm a calmer, nicer mom now when they are home.
It's what works best for our family at this time in our life - and that's ok.
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