Mimi the Halloween Fairy

One of the things that has been rather depressing about not being in our home for the past 4 weeks is not being able to properly decorate for Fall and Halloween. Normally our porch would be decorated with pumpkins and all things harvest related.

My mom, who is the most awesome Mimi ever, came over to the Destin-house one day last week and worked her magic. The kids were thrilled! They loved the surprise!

Thank you, Mimi, for this wonderful suprise! I wish you had been here to hear the squeals!

Home is....

"Keep close to Nature's heart... 

and break clear away, once in awhile, 

and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. 

Wash your spirit clean."

-John Muir

What my Montana looks like in my memories

They say home is where the heart is - but what if your heart and soul are in two different places?

My family - they are my heart - my life, my love.

My soul - it’s rooted deep in the mountains - buried in a canyon, a valley, a ridgeline. It’s lost at the end of a winding trail somewhere between the Prairies and the Rockies, the Little Belts, the Missouri river.

“The mountains are calling and I must go.” - John Muir

Every Autumn I fight the wanderlust that calls to my soul. It’s a mountain melancholy song that sings to my entire being - tempting me and tormenting me at the same time.

The past years I’ve sought solace in the mountains of Georgia, Tennessee and North Carolina. I also spent a few days in the mountains surrounding Seattle with a kindred spirit from my past. I left my heart in Florida when I made that trip and it was a good thing my heart was in Florida - otherwise I might not have returned.

Fifteen years ago I left Montana - I’ve never returned. I’m afraid that if I did go back I would not want to come back to Florida. I’ve spent the past 12 years here in Florida trying to learn to love it.

There are things I love about my life here. I love it when the weather changes so the mornings are crisp. The cool breezes coat my anxious soul with a thin layer of patience as I anticipate the cooler season here. The days I can take my family outside to enjoy nature without an army of mosquitoes, biting flies and danger of heat stroke are few and far between. The beach at sunset is breathtaking but despite the childish joy of my children as they relish the sand and sea - I have not learned to like the sensation of sand between my toes. I would take a sunset over the prairies in an instant.

I suffer from much guilt at my unrest. Three beautiful, healthy children - a husband who loves me unconditionally - and I am often unhappy with the location of our life.

Last year I missed the mountains - the timing of my pregnancy’s ending and my normal trip to Georgia with the kids clashed and I was not able to travel that distance. Our usual winter vacation found us traveling south to visit my parents’ in their new home instead of traveling north as we had considered. Life sometime necessitates change that is unwelcome. I mourned the loss of my yearly reconnection with the mountains almost as much as I mourned the moving of my parents 8+ hours away.

Having no family close by to spend time with breaks my heart. I miss my mom and dad being here. They were the glue that kept my siblings and I together. I still see my brother and sister some, but not as nearly as we would like. Family - something so important to me - scattered in a moment when I most needed them around me last year. We were all depressed about this. It was an unwelcome change for us all. Having never had close family nearby as a child - I found myself spoiled the past 7 years having my mother minutes away. Welcoming a baby without the constant support and presence of my mom was so very different and difficult.

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread,

 places to play in and pray in, 

where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.” 

-John Muir

This mountain melancholy is hitting me harder than normal this year because Michael and I are trying to decide where we want to live the rest of our lives here in the Panhandle. I feel like my dissatisfaction in Florida is causing me to be indecisive. How can I choose a place to live and raise my children here when it’s not the place I want to be?

We want it to be our last home - the one where our children will be tweens and teenagers, graduate high school and move on to college  - maybe even get dressed for a wedding or two, or three. It’s because of this that I feel this immense pressure.

There is no room for mistakes.

What if the place we decided upon isn’t right? What if we hate being so far away from our current life in Niceville? What if we hate the schools? What if my friends never come to visit?

I feel like I’m giving up a lot of what I want in life by choosing to go out to Santa Rosa Beach. I’ve always wanted a farmhouse, room for my kids to run, maybe a few chickens and room for a garden. If my kids are in public school I want it to be a place where I can be involved and not burdened by rules that prohibit me from their classrooms. I’m eager to go back to homeschooling honestly. I miss my flexibility and I’m tired of fighting with Wyatt over how to write his lower case A’s because the way I teach is different from the way his teacher does. Who cares if he colors outside the lines?

Mike wants something new and in a neighborhood where there are lots of other kids.

I want those things, too, but I how much am I willing to compromise?

I know I can’t live on the what if’s.

Mike said we can go spend some time up in the mountains soon and maybe that will help me out of this funk and clear my head. The cooler weather that comes eventually will help too I hope.

I know that I’m also out of sorts because we’ve been living in a rental for almost 3 weeks with 1 more week to go. I’m tired of driving to Niceville and back to Destin every day. I’m ever more resentful every day of the rush to get up, eat breakfast, get in the car routine. I hate the “get in the van, back home, do homework, do your reading, eat dinner, get ready for bed routine.” I’m tired of trying to fit the love and wonder of life into less than 48 hours on the weekend (because let’s be honest Sunday evenings are back into the same old routine.)
Hopefully my mountain melancholy will pass or at least be lessened for a while. I find that if I can at least stifle it for most of the year I can get by.

I’ve been trying so hard to love life here.

So for now I’ll concentrate on the butterfly migrations passing through and try not to think too hard about wanting to be like the butterflies myself.

This little girl was sleepy

I have to admit that I'm pretty much a flop at bedtime routines for babies. Our children have only recently settled into any kind of bedtime routine - necessitated by the rigid schedule of public school (that's another post entirely). I prefer to cuddle and love on them until they fall asleep.

So tonight after Mike, Wyatt, Maris and I returned from the Artsy thing at the Destin Commons (Maddie hung out with her Mimi at the Destin house) - I brought my so very sleepy girl upstairs to get ready for bed. After wrestling with her to get out of her diaper and clothes and into a nighttime diaper (the baby arm jail move was necessary) - I swooped her up and plopped us both into bed.

Maris reached for the front of my shirt and pulled it towards her - peeking inside. She then started giggling - she knew there was milk in there! I nursed her for a little while and when she was finished she took her paci and threw herself back onto the bed. After much flailing around she finally settled into some kind of sleep draped over my shoulder. 

She fell asleep hugging my shoulder - with one hand protectively on her milk... She then migrated into various positions before I helped her settle on the mattress.

And then after my littlest lovie fell asleep - my other little girl climbed into bed with me for some mama time snuggles. Life is wonderful.

Winds of Change

As the cooler breezes begin to grace the Gulf Coast I have gathered the courage to free myself from Facebook and focus instead on mothering and writing.

Sometime very soon my Facebook account will be deactivated and I will no longer feel the chains of obligation to respond in groups, add comments and "like" and post. I began this journey a few months ago after reading an enlightening journal by Hands Free Mama. One particular entry rocked me to my core. It's called "How to Miss a Childhood."

I started by deleting the Facebook app from my smart phone.

How convenient it was to check on Facebook by swiping my finger over the icon - and how inconvenient it was to be interrupted with a "Look, Mom!" when I was busy doing this.

My priorities were misplaced.

In addition to this problem was my realization of how mean people can be in online communities. How easy is it to be passive aggressive or downright mean when you never have to see the hurt or anger on the recipient's face? It's too easy. While I've always tried to keep my words from being harsh - when you are online you lose control of the ability to add emotion. Something you said jokingly is very easily taken as an insult or offense.

Facebook was a great place for anyone who didn't like me to treat me like crap and get away with it as well.

So I've decided that Facebook is overrated and what is more important are relationships - preferably in person. I have many who I want to keep in touch with and I hope that this blog will serve as a replacement for the pictures and posts on FB. I want to hear voices and see faces!

We will see how long I can last without Facebook - as it seems that life itself is dependent on it these days. But I think I will be pretty happy without the added distraction!

Little friends

Maris is so lucky to have a group of little friends to play with! We love them and their mommies so much!

Surfing lessons

Last night we met my friend Stephanie and her kids Seven and Isla at the beach for surfing lessons. The kids had a blast and the babies hung out!

First steps

Today Maris took her first steps. She's not quite 11 months old. She took two, then six and has been taking a few here and there on her own volition tonight. My baby is toddling!

Happy Family

Whenever I stop writing I find that the guilt I experience because I haven't been writing - keeps me from writing!

So the easiest thing for me is to just start with the present and not obsess about what I missed...

So here goes!

Life is crazy, busy and amazing these days. Maris is 9 months, Maddie is 7 and Wyatt is 5 and they are some fabulous kids. I don't know if it's because I'm so much more comfortable in my parenting or if it's just because Maris is an easy baby - but I am enjoying her so very much. She is so incredibly funny and silly - she keeps us entertained all day long!

We've had a busy summer - almost 3 weeks down in South Florida with my folks, followed by a week with Mike's mom at the Emerald Grande in Destin. We've spent the rest of the summer hiding in the house from all the thunder storms. 

That's it for tonight - I'm tired... But it's a start, right???

The different baby

By the time Maris joined our family - I felt like an experienced momma. Between breastfeeding and general mothering I was prepared to mother my little girl in full attachment parenting style - or my version of it.

Imagine my surprise to have a baby who doesn't "need" as much of that kind of mothering as my other two did...

Maris is a different baby in so many ways. I never expected her to be the same as Maddie and Wyatt - but I didn't expect her to be so different either.

For her first 6 weeks she never nursed for comfort. She would nurse, come off the breast and commence to screaming until she passed out from exhaustion. I didn't leave the house more than what was absolutely necessary. When she got upset in the car she would start throwing up. Twice she choked while doing this and it scared me to death.

As I tried to get to know this little soul - I noticed what I thought were symptoms of reflux. She seemed to always be bringing up fluid, but it was going back down instead of coming out as spit up. There were times when she spit up a lot and many times it was projectile. It wasn't exorcist projectile - but it was hitting 6 inches consistently. When she screamed it was awful. Her body was rigid and she seemed to be in pain. Every picture I took of her when she was in pain showed her little body contorted. She would claw at her face, turn red and start sweating. I felt so helpless to help her. Nursing brought her no comfort, instead it seemed to make the pain worse. Diaper changes were more times she screamed because she hated being on her back.

After Thanksgiving I made an appointment and took her to the doctor. He listened to me describe her symptoms and agreed that it sounded like reflux. He suggested two medicines and an upper GI. We decided to wait on the upper GI due to her young age and the fact that the medicines produced such a happier baby.

Within 4 hours of her first dose of zantac - she was a different baby. Mike and I sat around that evening not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Our little family had been so stressed and our days so tense that a night of quiet was odd. She slept and slept after that first dose. I think her little body was so relieved of pain that it relaxed and she rested.

She's still on the meds at almost 3 months old. Honestly, I'm scared to try a day without them!

She now nurses to sleep at times and comfort nurses as well. I breathed a sigh of relief the first time she stayed on the breast and nursed to sleep. I didn't know what to do with a baby who refused the breast for comfort.

 Maris likes her space. This is something different from my other babies. She is always in a wrap when we're out and about, but at home she prefers to be in her own space most of the time. We have this nifty rocker that is inclined and it's one of her favorite places to be. She's in it right now - half awake as I rock it with my foot. She sleeps in the rocker for most of her daytime naps and usually starts out the night in it before sleeping next to me. We don't have a schedule but she has a fairly predictable pattern these days. She wakes up between 6 and 8, nurses, is awake for a few and then shows me she's tired again. I use a large, thin swaddle blanket folded in half to swaddle her arms only, give her the paci and lay her on her side in the rocker. Sometimes she requires white noise as well. I discovered the other day that the air return in the hallway is a good place for her to sleep if the a/c unit's fan is running.

In some ways she's very high need - because when she's unhappy it takes a lot to settle her down. Maddie cracks me up with her term for swaddling: "Mom, you need to caterpillar her up!" But on the other hand she's an easy baby. She sleeps so well - often only waking up once in the early morning. Sometimes I have to wake her up for a random reason, but usually she's good from about 9 or 10 until 3-5 a.m. She sometimes nurses around midnight, but not always. I feel very lucky in that respect. My other two snacked all night long. I feel better rested this time around and with three little ones I need all the rest I can get.

Maybe it's just that I feel so much more confident in my mothering that it seems a little easier this time around. I just know how to "do" babies.

I still stare at her when she's asleep at night. My heart swells with the love that only a mother or father can truly understand. I am amazed at how much love I can have for each of my children. My heart split open wide the moment I saw her little head emerging. (I loved her before then, but there's something about the moment a child is born that seals them to you forever.)

Sometimes during the day - instead of folding clothes or unloading the dishwasher - I sit and hold her, talking to her, telling her stories and how much she's loved. I marvel in her smiles and love her pouty faces. I cherish each moment of my baby girl's day.

Getting it right... finally

It's taken us almost 7 years and three kids to find our groove as a family.

I'm not sure why, but I've always balked at following a routine or schedule. A free spirit - I prefer to float aimlessly through life. Sadly - it's not always an option when you're deep in the trenches of motherhood and your little ones need structure.

My years as a mother have been fraught with stress over not being a good housekeeper - my laundry is always out of control and my house feels cluttered and overwhelming on a daily basis. I've cleaned out, gotten rid of and re-organized the spaces in my house so many times I've lost count.

The addition of a third little one to our family has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my domestic status. I'm tired of being a slave to my house and dare I say a slave to my (older) children. I've grown tired of picking up after them when they are capable of picking up their own toys. I'm over asking them to do or not to do things over and over and over and over.

So 2012 is the year I get my house and my life in order!

I ended 2011 by deciding to let go of a few things in my life. The hardest decision I had to make was to put homeschooling on hold and send Maddie to first grade. I love having her at home - I love Classical Conversations and teaching her myself. What I didn't love was the fact that she was disrespectful and obstinate about reading and writing. We could sit and do math all day long but when it came to reading we hit a wall. She could read, but she wasn't progressing in my opinion. A perfectionist like her mother, she would hit a word she didn't instinctually know and stop. Asking her to sound it out was futile because she would rather die than do that! This led to a lot of frustration for both of us.

It's been a rough transition for all of us. The first day was great. She was excited and came home so happy. The second morning and every morning since then there have been tears and begging. However she comes home every day and tells me that it was better than the day before. If she wasn't coming home happy I would pull her out in an instant. But I know it's just as hard for her to leave mommy as it is for me to send her to another person for schooling. I miss her. I miss her help with Maris, too.

But there's also this part of me that loves having the two older ones in school. It's so nice to have peace and quiet during the day. I'm actually getting chores done early enough to find time for ME. This is something that hasn't been a priority really, nor a reality.

The biggest benefit of Maddie going to school though, has been the forced routine and organization. I have to get up early in order to make sure she has a good breakfast, her lunch is made, folder in her bag and get her to school on time. The mornings of Wyatt waking up at 8:30 and racing to get ready for preschool are over because he wakes up early with his sister. We are finally finding a rhythm and routine in our family.

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Tonight I'm going to bed with an empty sink and a decent amount of clean laundry. My kitchen isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but I can work on it some more tomorrow. My floors need to be swept, but I can do that tomorrow as well.

The house seems to be staying cleaner with the older kids both in school - and that's a huge sigh of relief for me :)

Another unexpected benefit is for my laundry basket: Maddie isn't constantly changing her clothes all day as she was when she was at home!

So little by little I'm finding my groove. We've got a rhythm that will only get more defined as the weeks go by. I miss my little girl and boy while they are at school, but I swear I'm a calmer, nicer mom now when they are home.

It's what works best for our family at this time in our life - and that's ok.