Dear Wyatt, on your 6th birthday

Dear Wyatt,

Today you reached the awesome age of six years old. It seems like you have been part of our family forever and that there is not a time I can't remember you being with us. From a wee babe of just over 6 lbs to a young man of 6 - you have grown so much!
This past year has been full of changes for you and for our family. No longer the baby, you are now the middle child. I struggled with this title for a while - you just don't seem like middle child material. But Maris placed you in the middle and it seems to suit you well.

You are still petite at 6 - just now fitting into size 5 clothes and too short for the 20" bike your dad was convinced you'd be able to ride. We went with a 16" bike instead (just like mommy told daddy you needed). You are so close to doing a headstand and are eager to take gymnastics classes starting in January.

Kindergarten is ok. Most days you walk out and are rather grumpy. I think it's mostly because you are hungry and tired, but we're trying to get past that part. It's still winter break right now and you are eager to return to school. You are starting to read and that makes your mom and dad really proud of you!

I look at the young man you are becoming and other than the whining (which I am praying you'll grow out of this year...) you are an amazing little man! You love your baby sister so much and are such a great help with her. While you and your older sister, Maddie, don't always get along - you are incredibly close and play so well together. You have a lot of empathy for people and animals and I am very proud of this quality. It makes me feel like just maybe I've gotten something right with you.

When I found out that you were a boy years ago - I was so scared to parent a little boy. Most of the boys I knew weren't incredibly sweet and loving and I just knew that if you were mean and naughty I'd consider myself a failure as a mom.

However, all those days and hours and years of instilling empathy and love on you have paid off and you are a pretty cool little guy. This past year hasn't been easy - you've learned how to whine like a master... but you're working through it and your dad and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't wait to see the young man you're growing into - you make your daddy and I so very proud of you!

We love you so much!

Love, Mom and Dad

The different baby

By the time Maris joined our family - I felt like an experienced momma. Between breastfeeding and general mothering I was prepared to mother my little girl in full attachment parenting style - or my version of it.

Imagine my surprise to have a baby who doesn't "need" as much of that kind of mothering as my other two did...

Maris is a different baby in so many ways. I never expected her to be the same as Maddie and Wyatt - but I didn't expect her to be so different either.

For her first 6 weeks she never nursed for comfort. She would nurse, come off the breast and commence to screaming until she passed out from exhaustion. I didn't leave the house more than what was absolutely necessary. When she got upset in the car she would start throwing up. Twice she choked while doing this and it scared me to death.

As I tried to get to know this little soul - I noticed what I thought were symptoms of reflux. She seemed to always be bringing up fluid, but it was going back down instead of coming out as spit up. There were times when she spit up a lot and many times it was projectile. It wasn't exorcist projectile - but it was hitting 6 inches consistently. When she screamed it was awful. Her body was rigid and she seemed to be in pain. Every picture I took of her when she was in pain showed her little body contorted. She would claw at her face, turn red and start sweating. I felt so helpless to help her. Nursing brought her no comfort, instead it seemed to make the pain worse. Diaper changes were more times she screamed because she hated being on her back.

After Thanksgiving I made an appointment and took her to the doctor. He listened to me describe her symptoms and agreed that it sounded like reflux. He suggested two medicines and an upper GI. We decided to wait on the upper GI due to her young age and the fact that the medicines produced such a happier baby.

Within 4 hours of her first dose of zantac - she was a different baby. Mike and I sat around that evening not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Our little family had been so stressed and our days so tense that a night of quiet was odd. She slept and slept after that first dose. I think her little body was so relieved of pain that it relaxed and she rested.

She's still on the meds at almost 3 months old. Honestly, I'm scared to try a day without them!

She now nurses to sleep at times and comfort nurses as well. I breathed a sigh of relief the first time she stayed on the breast and nursed to sleep. I didn't know what to do with a baby who refused the breast for comfort.

 Maris likes her space. This is something different from my other babies. She is always in a wrap when we're out and about, but at home she prefers to be in her own space most of the time. We have this nifty rocker that is inclined and it's one of her favorite places to be. She's in it right now - half awake as I rock it with my foot. She sleeps in the rocker for most of her daytime naps and usually starts out the night in it before sleeping next to me. We don't have a schedule but she has a fairly predictable pattern these days. She wakes up between 6 and 8, nurses, is awake for a few and then shows me she's tired again. I use a large, thin swaddle blanket folded in half to swaddle her arms only, give her the paci and lay her on her side in the rocker. Sometimes she requires white noise as well. I discovered the other day that the air return in the hallway is a good place for her to sleep if the a/c unit's fan is running.

In some ways she's very high need - because when she's unhappy it takes a lot to settle her down. Maddie cracks me up with her term for swaddling: "Mom, you need to caterpillar her up!" But on the other hand she's an easy baby. She sleeps so well - often only waking up once in the early morning. Sometimes I have to wake her up for a random reason, but usually she's good from about 9 or 10 until 3-5 a.m. She sometimes nurses around midnight, but not always. I feel very lucky in that respect. My other two snacked all night long. I feel better rested this time around and with three little ones I need all the rest I can get.

Maybe it's just that I feel so much more confident in my mothering that it seems a little easier this time around. I just know how to "do" babies.

I still stare at her when she's asleep at night. My heart swells with the love that only a mother or father can truly understand. I am amazed at how much love I can have for each of my children. My heart split open wide the moment I saw her little head emerging. (I loved her before then, but there's something about the moment a child is born that seals them to you forever.)

Sometimes during the day - instead of folding clothes or unloading the dishwasher - I sit and hold her, talking to her, telling her stories and how much she's loved. I marvel in her smiles and love her pouty faces. I cherish each moment of my baby girl's day.

Getting it right... finally

It's taken us almost 7 years and three kids to find our groove as a family.

I'm not sure why, but I've always balked at following a routine or schedule. A free spirit - I prefer to float aimlessly through life. Sadly - it's not always an option when you're deep in the trenches of motherhood and your little ones need structure.

My years as a mother have been fraught with stress over not being a good housekeeper - my laundry is always out of control and my house feels cluttered and overwhelming on a daily basis. I've cleaned out, gotten rid of and re-organized the spaces in my house so many times I've lost count.

The addition of a third little one to our family has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my domestic status. I'm tired of being a slave to my house and dare I say a slave to my (older) children. I've grown tired of picking up after them when they are capable of picking up their own toys. I'm over asking them to do or not to do things over and over and over and over.

So 2012 is the year I get my house and my life in order!

I ended 2011 by deciding to let go of a few things in my life. The hardest decision I had to make was to put homeschooling on hold and send Maddie to first grade. I love having her at home - I love Classical Conversations and teaching her myself. What I didn't love was the fact that she was disrespectful and obstinate about reading and writing. We could sit and do math all day long but when it came to reading we hit a wall. She could read, but she wasn't progressing in my opinion. A perfectionist like her mother, she would hit a word she didn't instinctually know and stop. Asking her to sound it out was futile because she would rather die than do that! This led to a lot of frustration for both of us.

It's been a rough transition for all of us. The first day was great. She was excited and came home so happy. The second morning and every morning since then there have been tears and begging. However she comes home every day and tells me that it was better than the day before. If she wasn't coming home happy I would pull her out in an instant. But I know it's just as hard for her to leave mommy as it is for me to send her to another person for schooling. I miss her. I miss her help with Maris, too.

But there's also this part of me that loves having the two older ones in school. It's so nice to have peace and quiet during the day. I'm actually getting chores done early enough to find time for ME. This is something that hasn't been a priority really, nor a reality.

The biggest benefit of Maddie going to school though, has been the forced routine and organization. I have to get up early in order to make sure she has a good breakfast, her lunch is made, folder in her bag and get her to school on time. The mornings of Wyatt waking up at 8:30 and racing to get ready for preschool are over because he wakes up early with his sister. We are finally finding a rhythm and routine in our family.

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Tonight I'm going to bed with an empty sink and a decent amount of clean laundry. My kitchen isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but I can work on it some more tomorrow. My floors need to be swept, but I can do that tomorrow as well.

The house seems to be staying cleaner with the older kids both in school - and that's a huge sigh of relief for me :)

Another unexpected benefit is for my laundry basket: Maddie isn't constantly changing her clothes all day as she was when she was at home!

So little by little I'm finding my groove. We've got a rhythm that will only get more defined as the weeks go by. I miss my little girl and boy while they are at school, but I swear I'm a calmer, nicer mom now when they are home.

It's what works best for our family at this time in our life - and that's ok.

Introducing Apollo

It's funny how things fall into place sometimes. 

We started talking seriously about getting another dog - a few months ago. Mike was dead set on a German Shorthair Pointer - a dog that I had absolutely no interest in as a family dog. From the research 

I'd done myself they came across as energetic and bred to kill/retrieve birds. That wasn't going to work with my pet hens!

I pleaded for something like a Welsh Pembroke Corgi - I love those little dogs. However, they're herders and are known to nip ankles and bums of little ones so eventually we dimissed that breed as a possibility.

Now before someone leaves me a scathing comment about rescuing or adopting from a rescue society let me say that I brought that up several times. We even looked at some rescue societies for the purebreeds, but didn't see what we were looking for.

Some of you may know that we previously owned a Doberman Pinscher. Her name was Mae and she passed away last year at 10 years old. She was a rescue - we adopted her when she was 5 years old. When we got down to the knock down drag out discussions of which breed we were going to get I finally told Mike that the only pure bred dog I would consider would be another Doberman.

So that started it - hours were spent pouring over breeder websites (there aren't many close to us) and the puppy sale websites (where breeders, etc list their dogs). We discussed color and sex, along with whether we wanted ears cropped or not and how much we wanted to spend on a dog.

Prices for Doberman puppies range from a few hundred dollars to thousands of dollars. We knew we weren't looking for a show quality dog or a breeding dog - we just wanted something that fit the breed standard and had parents with good dispositions and solid pedigrees. Championship bloodlines weren't a priority, but making sure that it was healthy and free from some of the diseases that can affect purebreeds  was something we wanted to take into consideration.

We're actually on a waiting list for a little of puppies due to be bred and born sometime this summer. We're waiting to hear back from another breeder in Alabama who is planning to breed her dogs this summer.

Like I said, it's funny how things happen sometimes...

Mike's mom, Paula, called him one day last week to say that someone in Crestview had a litter of AKC Doberman puppies listed in the online classifieds. He didn't call me immediately - but in a later conversation mentioned it casually and said maybe I could call.

So I called - and there was one pup left - a black and tan male. I called Mike back and we agreed that we wanted to at least go look at him - even though it most likely wasn't the dog we were looking for.

We arrived after dark (without the kids) and met the puppy - who was very friendly and seemed to like us enough. He allowed me to pick him up like a baby and curled up in my arms and just laid there. Our only concern was wanting to see the pedigree, which the man didn't know its location and wanting to meet the parent dogs. It was dark and the owner refused to accommodate us that night. We agreed that I would return the next day.

I talked my sister into going with me (thank you natalie!) and we drove up to go meet the parents and see the puppy again.

Well, you know the rest of the story....

We named him Apollo - which ironically means "destroyer."

So far he's not living up to his name, although the house training is a bit of a challenge at times. He's the most mellow puppy I think I've ever met! He plays some and sleeps a lot - eats food like he's never been fed in his life and drinks so much water it's a wonder he doesn't pee gallons (close to it though!).

His birthday is October 23, 2009 (he shares a birthday with my best friend Rebecca's husband, Brett!) and when I weighed him at Petsmart he was 22.5 pounds. He's going to be a big dog and I have to say part of me is glad he's a male even though I prefer female dogs. He is a bit protective and I like that - it will come in handy when Mike is out of town and I can rely on him to alert me to strange noise that go bump in the night.

The kids enjoy him and since he's on the mellow side they're having a better adjustment I think. The cats are another issue - he was around cats at his birth home, but he barks and playfully growls and paws at our feline friends and they are none too appreciative. I don't think Azzie has come off her bookshelf in 3 days! Pumpkin is warming up - he's the one who has never been around dogs much at all and was the most standoffish and mean to the puppy. He swiped him really well across the face this morning. Tarmak is ironically the most friendly towards him - odd for the scaredy cat. My hens are a little traumatized and he's working hard on learning not to chase them, but they run from him so that makes him want to chase even more!

Most importantly is that Mike is in love with him - and I find a lot of joy in my husband being so excited about something! At this moment he's in the recliner with the dog curled up in his lap. Apollo sleeps on the floor on Mike's side of the bed and is now spoiled by going everywhere with us in the car. He is working on his crate training as well because once the summer heat sets in he won't be going with us as much.

So meet Apollo - he's a sweet little guy and has melted into our family so well it's like he's always been here!

I'll post a picture of that same scene in a few months when the dog is close to 100 lbs!

It's the little things that count

The last few days have been, well to put it mildly, challenging.

Whether it was the cranky children, cold weather, puppy, husband or other people - I can't put my finger on just one to blame so I'll suffice to say that it's been a wicked combination that has at times left me at my wits end.

I've survived on a small string of sanity and am hoping to arrive triumphantly together as the month of February arrives with gusto and chill tomorrow morning.

So instead of writing about all the negatives I've experienced over the past few days, instead I want to concentrate on what I've accomplished.

We've all had those days - the ones where the kids are screaming and fighting, the phone and or email goes off all day long and things have to be addressed at that moment - so that by the time the day ends you ask yourself just what have you accomplished all day long? (and typically your husband comes home and either bluntly or in some way asks you what you have to show for your day and you collapse on the unswept, unmopped floor in tears because you just can't take it anymore!).

So here is what I've accomplished today at least. I'm hoping that by the time I finish my list I'll be able to look back and appreciate myself a little more.

Ok, i'm throwing in a few things from yesterday, too.

• I planted two trays of 72 tomato seedlings, along with 15 pots of winter squashes. I'm hoping to sell the tomatoes and maybe a few of the extra squash plants.
• I washed, dried and folded (not quite put away) at least 6 loads of laundry this morning when I would normally have been worshipping at church - but Maddie had a fever and the sniffles so we opted to stay home.
• I watched my husband clean the kitchen (LOL)
• I watched my husband clean up puppy messes in the house (i love it!)
• I showered by myself for at least 15 minutes
• I researched homeschooling stuff and think I finally have my "curriculum" nailed down. I'm going to use Hands on Homeschooling as my main organized curriculum, Hooked on Phonics, Hooked on French (why not?) and beginning piano. We'll also consider the Blended School one day a week and take part in the various PE and park day activities that GCCHEA organizes.
• I planned and attended a Blessingway for one of our homebirth clients at Gentle Birth Options. 
• I organized my organic produce order through my local co-op and also started investigating their other natural food co-op. 
• I started reading "For Women Only"  and read a chapter (THE chapter) in Mike's book "For Men Only" . If you've read the books then I'm sure you can guess which chapter I read in the men's book - if not, use your imagination!
• I taught Maddie how to play UNO and she picked it up really quickly! She beat me most of the time - I won 2 games out of 10!

I guess it doesn't really seem like much, but it helps me to focus on what I have accomplished rather than what I have not - and some days that's really important.

Breastfeeding is the first line of defense in a disaster

January 27, 2010
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

UPDATED STATEMENT:
Breastfeeding is the First Line of Defense in a Disaster

Washington, DC--The Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA), United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC), International Lactation Consultant Association/United States Lactation Consultant Association (ILCA/USLCA), and La Leche League International (LLLI) strongly affirm the importance of breastfeeding in emergency situations, and call on relief workers and health care providers serving victims of disasters to protect, promote, and support mothers to breastfeed their babies. During an emergency, breastfeeding mothers provide their infants with safe food and water and disease protection that maximize their chances of survival.

This week, the International Milk Bank Project and Quick International Courier coordinated a shipment of milk from the HMBANA member banks to supplement a mother's own milk for the premature, medically fragile, and orphaned infants aboard the U.S. Navy ship Comfort stationed off the coast of Haiti. This milk will help this small group of infants. In this highly unusual circumstance the infrastructure associated with the Comfort's resources allows U.S. sourced donor milk to help fragile Haitian babies.

Donor milk, however, is not a solution for the large number of infants and young children affected by the earthquake in Haiti. Members of the public who wish to promote the survival of mothers and babies in Haiti can donate money to the following organizations: UNICEF, Save the Children Alliance, World Vision, and Action Against Hunger. These organizations are using best practice to aid both breastfed and non-breastfed infants. Members of the public can be confident that donations to these organizations will support breastfeeding and help save the lives of babies.

Interventions to protect infants include supporting mothers to initiate and continue exclusive breastfeeding, relactation for mothers who have ceased breastfeeding, and finding wet nurses for motherless or separated babies. Every effort should be made to minimize the number of infants and young children who do not have access to breastfeeding. Artificially fed infants require intensive support from aid organizations including infant formula, clean water, soap, a stove, fuel, education, and medical support. This is not an easy endeavor. Formula feeding is extremely risky in emergency conditions and artificially fed infants are vulnerable to the biggest killers of children in emergencies: diarrhea and pneumonia.

As stated by UNICEF and WHO, no donations of infant formula or powdered milk should be sent to the Haiti emergency. Such donations are difficult to manage logistically, actively detract from the aid effort, and put infant's lives at risk. Distribution of infant formula should only occur in a strictly controlled manner. Stress does not prevent women from making milk for their babies, and breastfeeding women should not be given any infant formula or powdered milk.

There are ongoing needs in the U.S. for human milk for premature and other extremely ill infants because of the protection it provides from diseases and infections. If a mother is unable to provide her own milk to her premature or sick infant, donor human milk is often requested from a human milk bank. American mothers can help their compatriots who find themselves in need of breast milk for their sick baby by donating to a milk bank that is a member of the Human Milk Banking Association of North America.

For more information about donating milk to a milk bank, contact HMBANA at www.hmbana.org. Additional information for relief workers and health care professionals can be provided from the United States Breastfeeding Committee at www.usbreastfeeding.org, ILCA/USLCA at www.ilca.org orwww.uslca.org, or La Leche League International at www.llli.org. A list of regional milk banks is available on the HMBANA Web site at www.hmbana.org/index/locations.

USBC is an organization of organizations. Opinions expressed by USBC are not necessarily the position of all member organizations and opinions expressed by USBC member organization representatives are not necessarily the position of USBC.

United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC)
The United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC) is an independent nonprofit coalition of 41 nationally influential professional, educational, and governmental organizations. Representing over half a million concerned professionals and the families they serve, USBC and its member organizations share a common mission to improve the Nation's health by working collaboratively to protect, promote, and support breastfeeding. For more information about USBC, visitwww.usbreastfeeding.org.

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United States Breastfeeding Committee
2025 M Street, NW, Suite 800
Washington, DC 20036
Phone: 202/367-1132
Fax: 202/367-2132
E-mail: office@usbreastfeeding.org
Web: www.usbreastfeeding.org

Snippets from Wyatt's mouth...

Wyatt has the vocabulary of a 5-year old and the communication skills to match - he also has a crazy, fun personality that constantly sets us to laughter. I just wanted to write down a few minute's worth of conversation to remember later on...

"Mommy, I want you to go and I will stay here," Wyatt said. He's been hanging out with my sister this morning so I could get some work done at the office for an upcoming homevisit.

"I got some lots of money for me!" - he's been going through my brother and sister's rooms finding all the discarded change. This kid is going to be rich one day on other people's careless casting aside of their coins!

What did you do with Nat-Nat today?

"Just stay home and be sick. I was just pretending, right? Everything, like anything - I did everything, right? I'm Lava-Girl."

"I took a bath but it was not fun."

oh yeah? Why wasn't it fun?

"Because it was not fun, just because it was not fun." he answered.

"Last night Maddie got her teeth lost," he told my sister's friend - a total stranger.

a little spilled milk

Just now as I was walking back into the kitchen after French-braiding Maddie's hair I noticed my cat Azzie sitting rather close to Wyatt's neglected cup of chocolate milk. As I watched she daintily dipped her paw into his cup and licked it clean. She must have been repeating this action for several minutes.

Either she'd had her fill or my presence kept her from continuing her mid-morning dessert and she walked across the table, leaving little kitty prints as she went.

This is my same cat who has on occasion taken part in tea parties with Maddie and myself.

Grandmomma, Azzie and Maddie having tea this weekend.

The long, sad goodbye

Last year as I sat down to write my son's 2nd birthday letter I was mostly thinking about how much longer our breastfeeding relationship would last.

He seemed to be weaning - most days were so busy for my little man that he rarely stopped to ask to nurse. I was convinced and dreadful that the end was coming soon.

So I'm happy to say that a year later at three years old he's still nursing - but not much.

It's funny to me how people expect weaning to be a quick process, full of absolutes - the end. While weaning in the first year of life must be done deliberately - as most mothers' milk supplies are abundant and a sudden stop can spell disaster for a mom (and baby) - the weaning of a toddler is on an entirely different plane of thought.

In La Leche League we talk about natural weaning - other term's I've heard used are child-led or baby-led weaning and mother-led weaning. They all have very different meanings. Child-led weaning is just that - the child dictates when he or she wants to wean - not taking into consideration the opinion of the mother nursing them. Mother-led weaning is also quite simple to explain - the mother decides when and how to wean the child.

Natural weaning is a gentle give and take process that involves the emotions and opinions of both mom and child and this is what works best for us in our family. Other families may choose a different option, but I believe both Wyatt and I should have a voice in this decision.

When I was about 9 weeks pregnant with Wyatt I found myself having to make a radical decision and wean Maddie abruptly. She was 15 months old and my heart was broken that I would not meet the goal I set for 2 years of breastfeeding. After experiencing a lot of abnormal pain and cramping early in my pregnancy an ultrasound revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage and my doctor recommended weaning Maddie because nursing causes uterine contractions and he didn't want contractions to increase my chance of miscarrying the baby.

I went home and never nursed her again. I remember having to keep my distance lest she ask me to nurse. My heart was broken and I grieved for days and in some ways I grieve that loss still today.

One thing I constantly tell moms at the LLL meetings I lead is that I have experienced a profound difference in mothering toddlers when I compare the toddlerhood of Maddie who was not breastfed beyond 15 months and that of Wyatt who is still nursing at 3 years old.

Think about the tantrums, the frustrations, the owies and boo boos. Then think about having a secret weapon that would allow you to connect with your child on a primal level (because as Dr. Harvey Karp puts it, they're little Neanderthals). There is nothing more soothing and satisfying to both mother and child than being able to solve almost any problem under the sun by nursing.

There have been many times when I've used this secret weapon - sometimes by choice and others out of necessity. There have been days that were just "off" - every little thing caused a tantrum and we've sat down or laid down and had some quiet time nursing and talking and the rest of the day just turned around.

I can't tell you enough how important nursing has been for the many owies that come with raising toddlers (and boys).

In October the kids and I drove up to Ellijay, GA to visit our friends and adopted grandparents Harry and Elaine Heinisch. It was Sunday morning and we'd just finished church and the kids wanted to play on the playground there at the church. Maddie was on the swings and Wyatt was running around. You never see these kinds of things coming, but Harry was pushing Maddie on the swing and had just given her a big push and at the same moment Wyatt walked right into the path of the swing as she was on her way up.

It always happens in slow motion - but I felt terror and dread as I watched her connect with his little body. He flew up in the air, spun around and came down hard on a railroad tie. I guess in some ways I should be thankful that it was his head and not an area of his body less protected - an arm or a leg would easily have broken and I'm sure he would have had some internal damage had he landed on his abdomen.

It only took a second for the screaming to start and even though I was at a strange church in a strange down I did the thing that came to me most naturally (after deciding his neck wasn't in danger) and that was to grab him, sit down and nurse him. It wasn't easy - I was wearing layers plus an underwire bra, but I managed to get him latched on.

Instantly he stopped screaming and sobbing - his little body still convulsed with the aftermath of sobbing so hard - for a few minutes - but he calmed down.

Did you know that breastfeeding provides pain relief? It releases chemicals in the brain that relieve pain and bring comfort. So while many might have rushed to the hospital (I was told the local hospital wasn't that great of a place and the nearest "good" hospital was probably 20 miles away) - I instinctively offered him my breast to bring him comfort and pain relief.

That is probably the worst injury he's had to date - and he promptly went to see his chiropractor the next week when we returned home (and he was definitely out of alignment!).

These days our nursings are short and infrequent. He typically nurses the longest in the mornings and often at night he nurses for just a second or two before putting his cheek against my breast and going to sleep. There are times at night when he stirs (we're still co-sleeping) and asks for milk in his dreams and sometimes he'll nurse for 10 minutes as he slumbers.

Last night he was climbing into his chair at the dinner table, somehow missed the chair and connected his brow bone with the chair, fell down and rolled under the table. I scooped him up and we sat in our favorite chair in the living room and I offered to nurse.

He rejected my offer and asked for his pacifier instead.

I was floored! He had never once rejected nursing as a comfort measure. Surely this was the end I told my pouting self.

However after a moment with his paci he put his hand on my chest and asked for "mommy milk." I breathed a sigh of relief and put him to my breast. He didn't stay long, but laid his cheek against my bare skin and sighed.

So this relationship is no doubt coming to an end eventually. It might be today or months down the road. It is a long, sad goodbye for me as he's most likely my last baby. God only knows if we'll be blessed with another but for now the answer has always been "no."

I'm not holding on - forcing him to keep nursing. I'm just riding the ebb and flow of our beautiful relationship - knowing inevitably it will come to a close. I'll have fond memories and pictures to remind me how it felt to snuggle my babies at the breast and I'll miss that closeness that only nursing a baby can bring to a mother.

It's not time just yet to say goodbye, but the time is close at hand.

I will miss those moments and with sadness will leave my days of mothering through breastfeeding behind - carrying with me the many ideals and lessons I've learned as I venture into just mothering, without my secret weapon.

A Girl and her Pantry

At this moment in time a lot of my friends are doing some kind of "eat out of your pantry" challenge. They're posting their meals on Facebook and whittling down the contents of their food storage. And while I applaud their efforts I have to say that the mere idea of depleting the food in my pantry gives me goosebumps! (I also think of the huge bill to restock the entire pantry vs. replacing what's consumed as you go!). So this is in no way a commentary on the idea of eating the food in the pantry but rather a confession on my pantry tendencies.

I have to be honest and tell you that I am addicted to having a well-stocked pantry and food storage. No - I'm not Mormon, but many of my best friends are and growing up I was well aware of the amounts of food my friend's families had stored away.

And I have to say that I am a big fan of that idea myself. I probably don't have a year's worth of food, but I think we could stretch our food stores pretty far if we had to.

No- I'm not a conspiracy theorist - I don't think the world is going to end or that the grocery stores are going to disappear - I just like being prepared. I like knowing that if money is tight or I can't get to the store I can go to my freezer or pantry and make a nutritious meal for my family.

We have a freezer full of venison that I'm forcing myself to incorporate into our diets. Thankfully venison is very low in fat compared to other red meats (which I'm really not that big a fan of...) and MOST of the time it can be cooked in a way that is tender and delicious. Last night I sliced off thin pieces of backstrap (tenderloin) and tenderized them and made chicken fried venison (I know -not really that healthy since it was fried, but there is very little fat in the meat itself and the eggs were from my own yard!).

My best friend Becca and I talk about food storage and being prepared sometimes and we're fairly like minded. I was happy to find out that my friend Shay is also a fellow pantry nazi like I am.

So while some of my friends are emptying out their pantries and eating all kinds of good things - I get nervous and anxious at the mere thought of an empty space in my pantry. So to make myself feel more secure I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and stocked up on some of the mainstays I was running low on. As I was putting them away I was shocked to see less than 10 cans of beans - so I'll have to go pick up some more of those soon.

What do I store in my pantry you might want to know?

Canned Goods:
diced tomatoes
tomato sauce, paste
canned beans (black, cannellini, red kidney, garbonzo)
mushrooms
green chiles
tuna fish

Pasta
Rice (brown, basmati, jasmine, sweet, sushi)
Flour (whole wheat, bread, all purpose, self-rising and rice)
Sugar (powdered, granulated, brown and turbinado)
Popcorn (the real stuff)
dry milk
bread crumbs
asian noodles
dry beans (brown lentils, green split, yellow split, red lentils, black, pinto)
snack foods
cereal
oatmeal
pancake mix
spaghetti sauce
chocolate chips
nuts
dried fruits (raisin, mango, cranberries, etc)
potatoes (red, russet, sweet)
onions (sweet jumbos)
hard squashes (acorn, butternut, spaghetti)
peanut butter
nutella (yum!)

There's more but those are the basics I can't live without!

A poem, a thought and a memory

I'm reading through this cookbook my grandmother, Pauline, sent to my mother for Christmas. It's put out by the Etude Club and is a collection of recipes, history and what made up the heart and soul of this club.

Founded in 1892 it has been a strong voice for literacy in Jefferson County - upstate New York. My father and his family grew up in Adams, NY. My grandmother has been a member of this club for many years (I'll have to remember to ask her how long). The club supports literacy and awards "scholarships" to students mainly in lower grades for showing "outstanding interest in books," "greatest improvement in scholarship, leadership, service, character and citizenship."

I think it's really cool that one of their awards is for kindergarten students. It's a mere $10- but ten bucks to a 5 or 6 year old is a lot of money (at least to my kids). This club reminds me of my middle school days when they would have an awards ceremony at the end of the year. I still have my certificates somewhere, but they also gave cash awards. It was a total surprise to me the first year I experienced this - but I walked away with more than $100 for awards in English, Art, Science and I think I even got the coveted principal's award one year (They only gave two of these each year).

But I digress for the real reason I decided to write about this cookbook and it's because there was a little poem that just spoke to me deeply. I read it to my husband and even though it's just a few lines he had a terribly blank look on his face when I finished.

"Would you like me to read it again?" I asked, fully prepared to repeat it to him.

"No, how about you just explain it to me?" he answered.

I went on to paraphrase it for him, even though I basically said the same words in the poem again. You'll have to tell me if you "get it."

I'm sure most moms understand!

There is no title, just the author's name. She was apparently one of the most recent Etude Club President and I'd like to think she's a young mom like me with younger children.

By Diana W. Smith, Etude President 2007-2008

Sometimes,
While shuffling
4 pots on a 3-burner stove;
The bathroom avalanched
With laundry disengorged
From the hamper,
And none of the dishes done;
2 kids crying
And needing noses wiped,
I wonder
What it would be like,
Cooking dinner
for 1.

The lost art of washing dishes

The water runs, filling the sink with warm bubbles. In lieu of waiting for the dishwasher to finish so I can reload and re-run it again I piled the leftover dishes into my sink and proceeded to wash them the old fashioned way - by hand.

When it comes to household tasks there are few that I enjoy. Mike and I actually used to quarrel regularly over who was going to empty the dishwasher. I have to say that I've given up and usually just do it myself with Maddie's help. At least this way I'm pleasantly pleased when he does it on his own.

But tonight as I found myself standing at the sink, listening to the "Laurie Berkner family station" on Pandora - I realized that I actually was enjoying the quiet monotony of washing dishes.

On Wednesday this week I taught at class to a local daycare staff and the second half of the class was on the secrets of baby behavior. One of the points that was pounded out over and over was that the simple act of repetition is calming to babies.

It must carry over into adulthood -at least for me.

As I stood there, washing, rinsing, placing, washing, rinsing, placing I started to feel relaxed. I've been tired and cranky all day - no thanks to myself - it's my fault for having such a good time out for New Year's. But with each dish I felt a little of the fatigue and moodiness wash away. I was enjoying the moment - when both of my kids were there in the kitchen with me - dancing to the music and having fun.

I can't remember the artist's name at the moment, but the man who sings on the Curious George soundtrack is a favorite for all three of us and it just felt right to be standing in my kitchen, washing dishes and watching my two little ones dance and giggle.

All was right for a brief few moments in our world tonight. I imagine I will be washing dishes by hand a bit more frequently over the next year.

It's funny the places we find peace in our lives.

Happy New Year!

So hard to start again...

I feel like it's been weeks since I've written anything of substance in either of my blogs. I've been caught up in the self pity and frustration that came with my laptop's accident - it's incredibly difficult to type on a keyboard where the space bar sticks and every other key you hit doesn't work the first time. I've had to compose a certain rhythm to my typing - trying to remember which key I need to hit twice before the letter appears on the screen. For someone whose fingers fly at the speed of my thoughts - having a keyboard that isn't up to par is enfuriating.

And because I've not been writing I have guilt - guilt over not capturing the little moments that I want to remember - guilt that I'm not staying true to what brings me peace - guilt that I haven't even taken more than 2 pictures of my kids in the last 3 weeks!

All the guilt aside - we have been having fun just enjoying life. We're working on the backyard and have successfully constructed one of the 4x8 foot gardening containers - 2 more to go! I never thought I would find so much excitement in the prospect of dirt and seeds! Last night I stayed up until almost midnight pouring over the website at Rare Seedsdreaming of what my garden is going to produce this summer. So far I've decided on three different types of eggplant and 2 types of cucumbers and some zucchini and a summer squash called lemon squash.

I'll be trying my hand at exotic fruits like "Yellow Wonder Wild Strawberry" and "Giant Cape Gooseberry." I'm thrilled to plant the 5-color Silverbeet Swiss Chard that Barbara Kingsolver writes about in her book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and am even going to try planting some "Marina de Chioggia" pumpkins which hail from Italy and are a prized winter squash for soups and roasting.

I've yet to pick out my tomatoes - the choices are just too many and I feel overwhelmed!

My gardening journal is started - with my seed choices and the year. I hope to add lots of notes to help expand my choices in 2010.

Maddie and Wyatt are growing up so quickly. It's been crazy to see and hear Wyatt's vocabulary and speaking explode over the last few weeks. Last night he called me back into his bedroom and talked for almost 5 minutes about the basketball that is stuck up in the rafters at church in the Community LIfe Center. He was so funny - very concerned about it and adamant that it needs to be fixed.

My little princess is almost 4 years old and I find myself constantly wondering where the time has gone. It's so hard for me to accept that she'll be starting VPK (voluntary pre-kindergarten) next August and then ready for kindergarten in just about 18 months from now. I'm still trying to decide if she'll go to public school or if I'll try my hand at homeschooling. I am very interested in homeschooling but doubt my ability to stick to a routine or schedule. Lisa Ausley - our senior pastor's wife - keeps telling me that I will be a fabulous homeschool mom and that she has all this faith in me. I love that she's so encouraging... I just have to convince my husband that it will work out.

The busy season is about to start again and once again I find myself not ready for the time I'll be left to myself. Mike has a busy schedule already - which is a huge blessing in the light of our economy's current state. He's going to be gone half of March and there are several other week-long trips on his books.

I'm looking forward to taking my doula certification workshop and am excited to already have a client or two lined up. My goal is to finish my certification requirements before the end of this calendar year.

Whew - it feels better just writing all of that!

Sometimes the hardest part about writing is starting again. We writers tend to sit and obsess about all that we wanted to write - pictures we should have posted or taken, things we wanted to say, memories we wanted to remember - and suddenly weeks have passed and we've nothing to show for it other than a happy family.

The first words are hard - but it's best to start from where you are in this moment than to try and pick up where you left off.

Dahiwali Chicken Curry

source: Mothering Magazine Jan/Feb 2009

2 tbsp light cooking oil
3-4 cardamom pods, bruised
4-5 whole black peppercorns
1-2 dried bay leaves
1 cinnamon stick
3-4 whole cloves
1 large onion, finely chopped
2-3 medium green chillis, finely chopped (i wasn't sure what to get so i skipped this!)
1 tsp ginger, finely chopped
1 tsp garlic, finely chopped (I used like 6 cloves - way more than 1 tsp...)
1/2 tsp red chilli powder (another thing I couldn't find)
1/4 tsp cumin powder
1/4 tsp tumeric powder
1 tsp ground coriander
1/4 tsp garam masala powder
2 medium tomatoes, chopped
a few cups baby spinach (my addition)
salt to taste
1/2 cup plain yogurt, beaten
2 large boneless skinless chicken breasts, diced to 1 inch cubes
1 handful fresh coriader (cilantro) chopped for garnish

Heat oil in thick-bottomed pan and saute cardamom, peppercorns, bay leaves, cinnamon, and cloves until they begin to sizzle.

Add onions, green chillis, and fry 3-5 minutes on medium high heat, until onions turn pink(??? I never saw pink, but was missing a few ingredients...) and tender. Add ginger and garlic and saute 1-2 minutes until mixture begins to express oil.

Add red chilli powder, cumin, tumeric, coriander and garam masala, and fry 1 minute. Mix in tomatoes and salt, and cook a few minutes until tomatoes pulp and release oil around sides of pan. Slowly stir in yogurt to form a smooth gravy base.

Add chicken pieces and cook covered 10-15 minutes on medium low heat until done. If using spinach - toss in spinach at the end - last few minutes so it has time to wilt.

Garnish with coriander leaves (cilantro) and serve hot with a side of rotis bread or rice and a salad.

Rotis - is a traditional Indian flatbread. I used whole wheat flour and added enough water to make a dough and rolled out small circles and cooked it in a cast iron skillet.

Prep - 15 minutes (i think this is a bit short - took me a little longer while juggling the antics of a toddler and preschooler)

Cooking - 30 minutes

Serves 2 (main dish) or 4 (side dish) - this served 2 easily with enough to give Maddie and have a whole serving left over.

Night Owl

At this moment, my son - who is not sleepy - is running up and down the hall in pink high heels. Just a few minutes prior to donning the heels I heard the sounds of water being poured out and found him and the cat in the bathroom. The cat was drinking from the faucet (I'd turned it on for her - she prefers running water) and Wyatt was dipping water out of the toilet into the "drinking" cup that the kids use to brush their teeth.

And now at this moment - he's traded one pink shoe for a blue shoe and is squatting down admiring the princesses on his toe tap shoes. He kicked off the pink one and i having a tantrum because he can't get it back on. But now he just asked me to take his socks off. And since the socks are off - they are no longer socks, but mittens and are now on his hands.

Oh and earlier he took a bar of soap and put it in my breadmaker (it sits on the floor under the counter) and closed the lid and started pushing buttons and declared that he was "cooking."

I have no idea where the soap is presently, but when I was looking for it in the bread machine I also found a Percy Train Engine.

It's been an interesting evening to say the least!

Sweet Toddler Nursing...

Tonight the procrastination was evident with both Maddie and Wyatt. They wanted cuddles in Mommy Bed (is what Maddie calls my bed) and Our Bed (that's what Wyatt calls my bed). They wanted snacks - even after the no-eating timeline, drinks of water and a million other silly requests.

Finally Maddie was in bed and fast asleep and after a few more snuggles and some mommy milk - I tucked Wyatt into bed. But he wasn't on board and after several minutes of anxious crying I went into the room to see if I could soothe him. I hugged and kissed him and told him I loved him, but that he needed to go to sleep. "I scared," he told me. "I'm cold."

I wrapped him up and made sure his night light was on - and left the room for the second time.

It didn't take nearly as long for him to turn up the volume and sound even more frantic this time around.

And being the compassionate mom who doesn't believe in crying-it-out, I picked him up and brought him to where I'd been sitting at the kitchen table. I knew that if I nursed him he'd settle down and go more easily to bed.

He actually nursed well - for about 10 minutes and even changed sides...

But the moment that melted my heart came after he was finished nursing - he let go and fell back into my arms and said "Mommy, I'm sleepy." At that moment the last word escaped between his sweet lips his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he was out.

There is nothing sweeter than cuddling and nursing a toddler - someone who can tell you his needs and wants and verbally and physically give you his love and thanks.

I must also say that at the end of the day - holding a sweet, sleeping Wyatt in my arms makes up for all the frustrations any mom of a toddler experiences on a day to day basis.

Dear Wyatt - on your 2nd Birthday

Dear Wyatt,

I stand amazed at how much you have grown in the last year. Barely toddling a year ago you are now running, jumping and climbing everywhere and everything.

I thank God every day for the sweet little boy he gave to me - I still remember the shock and sense of fear I had when the ultrasound technician announced you were a boy. I had no idea what to do with a girl - all I knew were frills and fairies and tea parties. I knew nothing about trucks and bugs and sports. I cried when I heard you were a boy - I was scared I guess.

Now I cry because I wouldn't have any other child but you - my sweet, sweet little man. I cry tears of joy because you are mine now and always. My heart is so full of love for you and your sister that it hurts some times. My friends and family told me that little boys love their mommas and they were so right as you never go very long without running up and holding onto my legs or neck and saying "Mommy, I love you!" It melts my heart every time. I am proud and honored to be your mother.

At two years old you have quite the personality and a vocabulary that is beyond your two short years. Already you are speaking in sentences - something that seems early for your age and gender - but I suppose it's to be expected understanding your sister's penchant for prattle.

You love to dance, to make people smile - to act silly to get attention. Your father and I both have noticed that you seem to be unusually gifted when it comes to sports that involve balls. You live to play basketball and have been actually dribbling a basketball since about 18 months old. This Christmas we gave you a basketball goal that is the perfect size for you and you spend hours making baskets with the many balls we have amassed for your entertainment. You love to watch sports with Daddy and amaze both of us with your ability to kick a ball - it's almost like you already know how to run and dribble it with your little feet! Although I'm still cautious about letting you play sports - I am looking forward to the day you can play Upward Basketball and Upward Soccer at church.

My funniest memory of you at this age is you wearing a pair of Maddie's dress-up heels and shooting basketballs into your hoop. It tickles me so much!

Thomas the Train is your other love and you were blessed by Becca, Todd and Ryan (Rynen) with two of the Thomas engines that go by themselves (Trackmasters) and you get the biggest kick out of turning them on and off by yourself (I did it!). You have your special Thomas blanket (Tommy Bankie) and sleep with it every night.

We spend a lot of time at church and you love the ladies who care for you on Wednesdays and Sundays. You often ask to go to church and that warms my heart - knowing that you consider it to be a safe place where you feel loved. I love knowing that you are surrounded by people who love you and love Jesus. I thank God for providing us with such a wonderful place to worship and grow in Christ.

My heart swells with pride when we say prayers together at night and you bow your head and fold your tiny little hands and quietly say "Amen" at the end. There are times when you remind me to pray and I am constantly humbled by the innocence I see in you and Maddie. God's love and grace is abundant and visible to me in both of you.

My only complaint as you pass your second year - is that you still don't sleep well at night. But it's also not something that I've really tried to fight with you. Often we are so busy during the day that the nighttime is the sweetest cuddling and nursing time we have. You'll often nurse much better at night when you are sleepy than you will during the day when there is something more interesting - like a basketball - to distract you. I'm happy you are still nursing - you are the pickiest eater I've ever come across and I am happy that I am able to provide you with something that is completely healthy and necessary for you! I have met my personal goal of nursing you for two years and we'll continue until you are ready to be done. I love that your Mimi and Papa - and daddy, too - are very supportive of our nursing relationship. Your Mimi has come a long way since Maddie was born and sometimes she comes over and peeks at you when you are nursing and says it's such a sweet thing to see.

You and your sister are so close - which is something I never felt I really had with my own sister (Nat Nat) until we were adults. You guys do annoy each other and fight at times, but are very sweet to each other - hugging and kissing. You go up on Maddie's bed every night and give her a big hug -telling her night night and then going to close the door (which always annoys her). You two have so much fun outside in the back yard and I'm looking forward to spending more time in our garden this summer. You both already know more about plants and flowers and growing food than many kids in this country will ever know in their lifetime!

The days have passed so quickly since you have been born - I keep hoping that time will slow down, but it never will I suppose. I'm glad that I have a blog to keep a diary of you and your sister - because I've given up on scrapbooking and baby books! You are still very much my baby -and always be - even if you end up a middle child one day.

I love you as much as a mother could possibly love her son - and will love you no matter how many tantrums you throw or naughty things you do - because you are forever my sweet little man. You captured my heart the moment I knew you were a boy and continue to hold it captive every day when you smile and tell me "Hi Mommy, I wake up!"

I love you Wyatt.

Hot Tea Conversation

I'm stirring my cup of hot tea...

"What are you making?" Maddie asks.

"Some hot tea," I reply.

"Can I have some, too?" she asks.

"You can share with me," I say.

"No thank you, I'd like to have my own."

I roll my eyes - selfishly I had only made ONE cup of tea and it was in a small tea cup. I opened the cabinet and pulled out another cup and poured half of mine into hers.

Setting the cup in front of her, she gets all excited.

"Oh how sweet of you," she says in her dramatic English accent.

What a silly little girl. It is probably best that my cup was only half full - I rarely get to enjoy a cup of tea before it chills these days!

Getting Better

Have you missed me? 

I've been in a funk about my computer and other items of note in my life lately. But the good news is that the crunching from the crystallized sugar is getting less and less and my space bar is functioning again!

I also found out that there is an authorized mac repair place in a close town.

So skies are blue again - literally!

It's hard for me when I've not been writing - to start again. I beat myself up over the stuff I didn't write and wanted to. I get overwhelmed with all the stuff I should have written and eventually have to make myself just pick up and start where I am at the moment.

The one thing I will go back and write about is Wyatt's 2nd Birthday. I always write my children letters on their birthdays and I will not break that tradition. Since Maddie's is coming up soon I want to make sure I don't fall behind. I never wrote her a letter for her 2nd birthday - I was overwhelmed with a newborn and toddler - and it's something I really regret. 

But we can't live on regrets - it's not healthy!

see you soon!