Wyatt's thoughts on Mommy Milk

Just now as I was helping Wyatt back into his clothes after using the potty he decided to share with me a few thoughts about Mommy Milk - so I have to share.

He reached up and put his hand on my chest...

"I'm feeling the mommy milk," he said. "It's all filled up."

"I love Mommy Milk!"

"I love it for nighttime!"

Me:

"Wyatt, what do you like about Mommy Milk?"

Wyatt:

"the heart."

Every time he nurses he finishes by placing his ear against my breast and listening to my heart - most nights he falls asleep listening to my heartbeat.

The long, sad goodbye

Last year as I sat down to write my son's 2nd birthday letter I was mostly thinking about how much longer our breastfeeding relationship would last.

He seemed to be weaning - most days were so busy for my little man that he rarely stopped to ask to nurse. I was convinced and dreadful that the end was coming soon.

So I'm happy to say that a year later at three years old he's still nursing - but not much.

It's funny to me how people expect weaning to be a quick process, full of absolutes - the end. While weaning in the first year of life must be done deliberately - as most mothers' milk supplies are abundant and a sudden stop can spell disaster for a mom (and baby) - the weaning of a toddler is on an entirely different plane of thought.

In La Leche League we talk about natural weaning - other term's I've heard used are child-led or baby-led weaning and mother-led weaning. They all have very different meanings. Child-led weaning is just that - the child dictates when he or she wants to wean - not taking into consideration the opinion of the mother nursing them. Mother-led weaning is also quite simple to explain - the mother decides when and how to wean the child.

Natural weaning is a gentle give and take process that involves the emotions and opinions of both mom and child and this is what works best for us in our family. Other families may choose a different option, but I believe both Wyatt and I should have a voice in this decision.

When I was about 9 weeks pregnant with Wyatt I found myself having to make a radical decision and wean Maddie abruptly. She was 15 months old and my heart was broken that I would not meet the goal I set for 2 years of breastfeeding. After experiencing a lot of abnormal pain and cramping early in my pregnancy an ultrasound revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage and my doctor recommended weaning Maddie because nursing causes uterine contractions and he didn't want contractions to increase my chance of miscarrying the baby.

I went home and never nursed her again. I remember having to keep my distance lest she ask me to nurse. My heart was broken and I grieved for days and in some ways I grieve that loss still today.

One thing I constantly tell moms at the LLL meetings I lead is that I have experienced a profound difference in mothering toddlers when I compare the toddlerhood of Maddie who was not breastfed beyond 15 months and that of Wyatt who is still nursing at 3 years old.

Think about the tantrums, the frustrations, the owies and boo boos. Then think about having a secret weapon that would allow you to connect with your child on a primal level (because as Dr. Harvey Karp puts it, they're little Neanderthals). There is nothing more soothing and satisfying to both mother and child than being able to solve almost any problem under the sun by nursing.

There have been many times when I've used this secret weapon - sometimes by choice and others out of necessity. There have been days that were just "off" - every little thing caused a tantrum and we've sat down or laid down and had some quiet time nursing and talking and the rest of the day just turned around.

I can't tell you enough how important nursing has been for the many owies that come with raising toddlers (and boys).

In October the kids and I drove up to Ellijay, GA to visit our friends and adopted grandparents Harry and Elaine Heinisch. It was Sunday morning and we'd just finished church and the kids wanted to play on the playground there at the church. Maddie was on the swings and Wyatt was running around. You never see these kinds of things coming, but Harry was pushing Maddie on the swing and had just given her a big push and at the same moment Wyatt walked right into the path of the swing as she was on her way up.

It always happens in slow motion - but I felt terror and dread as I watched her connect with his little body. He flew up in the air, spun around and came down hard on a railroad tie. I guess in some ways I should be thankful that it was his head and not an area of his body less protected - an arm or a leg would easily have broken and I'm sure he would have had some internal damage had he landed on his abdomen.

It only took a second for the screaming to start and even though I was at a strange church in a strange down I did the thing that came to me most naturally (after deciding his neck wasn't in danger) and that was to grab him, sit down and nurse him. It wasn't easy - I was wearing layers plus an underwire bra, but I managed to get him latched on.

Instantly he stopped screaming and sobbing - his little body still convulsed with the aftermath of sobbing so hard - for a few minutes - but he calmed down.

Did you know that breastfeeding provides pain relief? It releases chemicals in the brain that relieve pain and bring comfort. So while many might have rushed to the hospital (I was told the local hospital wasn't that great of a place and the nearest "good" hospital was probably 20 miles away) - I instinctively offered him my breast to bring him comfort and pain relief.

That is probably the worst injury he's had to date - and he promptly went to see his chiropractor the next week when we returned home (and he was definitely out of alignment!).

These days our nursings are short and infrequent. He typically nurses the longest in the mornings and often at night he nurses for just a second or two before putting his cheek against my breast and going to sleep. There are times at night when he stirs (we're still co-sleeping) and asks for milk in his dreams and sometimes he'll nurse for 10 minutes as he slumbers.

Last night he was climbing into his chair at the dinner table, somehow missed the chair and connected his brow bone with the chair, fell down and rolled under the table. I scooped him up and we sat in our favorite chair in the living room and I offered to nurse.

He rejected my offer and asked for his pacifier instead.

I was floored! He had never once rejected nursing as a comfort measure. Surely this was the end I told my pouting self.

However after a moment with his paci he put his hand on my chest and asked for "mommy milk." I breathed a sigh of relief and put him to my breast. He didn't stay long, but laid his cheek against my bare skin and sighed.

So this relationship is no doubt coming to an end eventually. It might be today or months down the road. It is a long, sad goodbye for me as he's most likely my last baby. God only knows if we'll be blessed with another but for now the answer has always been "no."

I'm not holding on - forcing him to keep nursing. I'm just riding the ebb and flow of our beautiful relationship - knowing inevitably it will come to a close. I'll have fond memories and pictures to remind me how it felt to snuggle my babies at the breast and I'll miss that closeness that only nursing a baby can bring to a mother.

It's not time just yet to say goodbye, but the time is close at hand.

I will miss those moments and with sadness will leave my days of mothering through breastfeeding behind - carrying with me the many ideals and lessons I've learned as I venture into just mothering, without my secret weapon.

A moment to think..eh. write

My house is quiet - but only because Mike and the kids are at church and I've come back home.

I've been reading this book - Raising Your Spirited Child - and today I read the section about extroverts and introverts. Not speaking really about personality or social skills - but about how you recharge your energy.

I'm definitely an introvert - I need personal space and alone, quiet time to recharge and refresh.

With two toddlers - it's not something I get a whole lot of these days. So when I'm grumpy and sullen - it probably means I haven't gotten any time to myself.

So I asked Mike if he would lead the class and take over all the "Mommy" duties of church and I would come home for some much needed quiet.

Mike is leaving to go out of town in about a week - he'll be gone through the end of the month - so my quiet time is even more important knowing I won't get a break while he's gone!

We're back from our trip to Birmingham. We didn't really get any answers but still I feel a little bit better. The doctor would like to do another CT scan - but this time with Wyatt sedated - and do more views of his sinuses and tonsils and adenoids. We had blood drawn for more immunoglobulin panels - this time also checking the subclasses. He said that Wyatt's tonsils are huge, but it was up to us if we wanted to remove them. Basically he said we could be as aggressive or conservative as we'd like - but that if it was his child he'd err on the side of conservative. We agree - although it's still frustrating having a child who just can't breathe out of his nose because it's so impacted with crud all the time. 

As a small act of mercy - Wyatt slept all night last night - it was the first time in more than 6 months.

So we're waiting for the blood work to come back and we'll see what that says. Right now we're scheduled to return to Birmingham for the CT scan on April 14th, but we have to find out how much money it's going to cost first...deductible's suck!

I'm relieved to say that I'm now officially a La Leche League leader :) It has been a long time coming and I'm happy!

I still need to write Maddie's letter - and I'll get to it soon - I hope.

My garden is starting to take off - I am so excited! My seeds are all sprouted and growing well - I just put little tomato seedlings in the ground this weekend and transplanted some melons and cucumbers. My spinach and chard are up and the peas are starting to climb the fencing!

Even though my intentions were pure - I know I'm still going to buy a few of the "genetically modified" vegetable plants - just to jump start some of our harvesting... I want to try growing sweet potatoes again and I can't start those from seeds!

I'll post pictures one of these days.. another thing on my to-do list.

Giving up on prayers

Yes, you read it right - My daughter, Madeleine is giving up on prayers - or so she says.

I don't think she means it in the profound way that I received the statement. I think she's just content to let someone else say prayers at meals and at bedtime - like me or her brother Wyatt.

Wyatt - is all about praying right now. I remember when Maddie loved to pray - sadly those days are absent for the moment.

Here's Wyatt's prayer: (with his arms folded across his chest like his role models Todd and Ryan Wendel..)

"Heavenly Father... Mimi.. Papa. Bless this food...strong and healthy...outside... play outside (cold or dark outside depending on the state of the weather outside). Amen"

My mom heard him pray last night and she got a little teary - I can say I feel the same way.

So I'm hoping my daughter won't "give up on prayers" for very long - even if she does - God still loves her.

"You never change, your love remains - Oh God I'm holding onto you!"

Cuddly Morning

This morning I woke up to the sweetest voice whispering "Mommy, wake up!"

I opened my very sleepy eyes and peeked over the pillow and saw Wyatt's smiling little face.

That's enough to start anyone's day off on the right track!

He cuddled up to me and just as sweetly asked for "Milk." and he folded himself into the curve of my body and we cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes.

These are the mornings that I relish - the cuddles, the sweet words and the calm reflection of why I love being a mommy.

A big boy bed - well kind of...

It's been coming - the day when Wyatt would grow out - I mean climb out - of his crib.

He's actually been climbing out for about a week - thanks to the wise instruction of his older sister!

I wasn't ready to give up the crib - although Maddie was moved to a twin-size mattress on the floor when she was not quite 18 months old.

I liked having a place to use for time outs - for me and him! And it was nice to know that he was contained and not wandering his room playing with toys when he should be napping.

But it's no longer a safe containment system and I worry about him falling and getting hurt - so this morning during the torrential down pours I took the crib apart (it's still in the hallway since it's STILL raining and we can't get out to the storage shed in the rain).

Eventually he'll have a twin-size mattress on the floor just like Maddie did - but for now he's alright on the crib one - although it's so small!

I was very pleased that he went down easily for his nap today and didn't get up to play! Tonight at bedtime I had to go in and lay down and nurse him a little bit more and when I got up the second time he told me "Night Night" and "I love you too" and stayed with his little head on the pillow - pulling his Thomas blanket up close to his face.

Part of me wants to cry (and that part wants another baby!) because it's just another way that he's not a baby anymore. There's a small part of me that was ready, but it was more out of necessity and safety I guess.

I'm going to start crying if I keep writing - because there are so many precious things about my little ones that move me to tears (of love and frustration!). I'm just amazed at them - how they grow and talk and learn so much about life from each day. I love that I am able to be a part of their world as a stay at home mom - to experience the awe and wonder that fills their little eyes.

I am humbled by my children - always.

Sweet Morning Moments

This morning I woke up to a cute, little blue eyed boy smiling at me in my bed. Mike was gone last night and when Wyatt woke up in the middle of the night I kept him in bed with me because it's oh-so-wonderful to snuggle with a sweet, sleepy child in the mornings.

He gave me a cheery "HI!" and then asked rather quietly and sweetly for some milk - which I lovingly obliged him. We cuddled and nursed and chatted. He asked me over and over where his daddy was - "he's fishing - he's at work," I would tell him over and over.

"Fishing," he say with a very serious tone in his voice.

He was generous with his kisses this morning, too - with extra lovies for our cat, Azzie - who was sleeping peacefully under the covers- with her head on the pillow. Pumpkin the kitten was no where to be found, which was nice for once because he terrorizes Azzie by jumping and biting and scratching her and this makes her very grumpy. I miss my nighttime cuddles with her, so it's rare that she's on my bed when I wake in the mornings. She is usually up high on top of the cabinets where Pumpkin has yet to find her.

I love sleepy, lazy mornings where cuddles are abundant and schedules are slow. I love the time change because my kids are waking up closer to 7 a.m. these days instead of the 8-9 a.m. that was common and awfully inconvenient before the time change.

Azzie just jumped up on the desk to purr and tell me she loves me and like a magnet Pumpkin has appeared to annoy and be a pest. I've thrown him off the desk three times now and he's incorrigible. He lacks the grace of an older cat, constantly knocking things over and sending yarn and papers scattering onto the floors. Azzie looks at him with disgust - as do I at this moment. He's relentless - this little kitten!

For a moment life is as it should be - with happy toddlers - one watching Noggin and reading a book and the other playing the piano while two kitties wrestle on the hardwood floors. I am content in the moment - the dishes can wait and mopping will happen one day I expect. We'll get dressed soon and head to the "mommy milk meeting" where they'll play with friends and mothers will share their love and frustrations with breastfeeding - and the world will be a happier place because we are happy, too.

Kitchen Khaos

Maddie has dragged her laundry basket full of stuffed animals into the dining area of the kitchen. I moved a few things around yesterday and the large mirror, usually on the wall - is propped up against the huge armoire that I've decided to get rid of (anyone want to buy it?). They've had the most fun making faces in front of it - having tantrums in front of it and getting to see their silly faces.

Maddie keeps trying to squish up Wyatt's face and he's saying "OW" over and over.

Now he's hitting her because she won't make room for him in the basket - his leg was stuck it turns out and she was laying on top of it.

She's wearing the much anticipated Belle dress and her sparkly red shoes (which go rather well with the red roses on it).

Wyatt just came out of the living room with the extension and furniture attachment for the vacuum cleaner - and is sweeping the floor. Maddie says she's taking a bath in the basket - and asked Wyatt to scrub her down with the long handled brush.

There's bread rising, steaks marinating and the promise of an hour or two by myself after a good meal. I can't wait for 7 o'clock to get here!

Motherhood - in reflection

There's a moment in every mother's life when suddenly she's struck by the awesomeness of what she has in her life - children, husband, stability, love, friends.

I find that as each day goes by I let go of the things I know are just not realistic for me and my family.

For instance - I am creative and crafty, but lack the personal organization to keep my house mostly tidy. I clean sporadically - most on emotional whims rather than routine and schedule. Often I am embarrassed by my lack of tidiness - I often use my children as a (rather good) excuse. They literally tear rooms apart as I'm cleaning and tidying - so often I just give up and let them do their thing. 

Time has taught me that it's the little moments that are most important - not if I got the dishes washed or the house vacuumed. It's stopping to dance with my toddlers in the kitchen - on an eternally gritty, sandy floor (no matter how many times I sweep!). 

I find my joy and happiness in their smiles and laughs as we do silly things - making "collections" of wild, green things from our yard and neighborhoods - all the while getting in little lessons about ecology and horticulture (who would have guessed?). 

We chase slugs and snails and dig worms out of our compost pile - getting filthy as the next person digging in the dirt - but we're learning about how things break down and return to the earth and how that in turn gives us compost that our worms find yummy and makes our plants grow strong. 

You know my kids can survive without Noggin or other TV programs - no matter how much they protest and I'm always amazed (but shouldn't be) when we've had a day without television and things are so much smoother. There are still tantrums, but fewer and less intense. (This goes for days without refined sugar, too). 

I'm still trying to convince my husband that there is life without television. That's his way to unwind and God forbid I take something like that away from him. My response is God forbid he learn how to relax another way - like taking a bike ride or getting some project done around the house. Time will work on him, I hope. I'd like to have no TV on when he's home and the kids are up. I'm still trying to convince him that Family Guy is not a good role model for our children or him - not as parents and not as Christians. 

Learning to let go is hard for me, but day by day I'm giving up obligations and commitments that I've made. I'm replacing them with nothing - just spontaneity - something I'm really good at these days!

When most people are routine and structured - I prefer the opposite. There are parts of my life that I'd like to have that order in - like my house! But when it comes to everyday life - I find that the days are too short for rigid structure and life must be lived in the moment - no matter what that moment is supposed to be or becomes in a split second. 

I'm trying to let go of materialism - my kids are getting more natural toys - homemade playthings - toys that let them use their imagination. I'm slowly phasing out a lot of the plastic toys - not just because of concern about toxins, but because I'm starting to agree that less is more and I should be the one teaching my kids their colors and numbers - not some singing piece of plastic!

I'm thrilled that at 20 months Wyatt could count to 2 and now he can count to three and jumps to five. He recognizes the color "pink" (what else would his first color be than pink - with a princess obsessed sister?) His second color recognition was blue - and he's working on green now. 

Maddie is gifted - and Wyatt will probably be considered gifted as well. I'm not bragging, but my kids are sharp - they're articulate and at times wise beyond their years.

Speaking of kids - (rambling here) - I read an article in Parenting this month that said kids who lie tend to be gifted. There's apparently research showing that gifted children are good liars. 

This just irks me - as a parent trying to teach her children morals and values - the fact that society says it's ok to lie and that smart kids lie often as children just bothers me - a lot. I think it's a sign of where our society has gone and is going - that lying is considered a virtue or symptom of giftedness. 

Lying is not ok - and anyone who thinks so has a skewed perception of reality.

But back to my wonderful mothering ramblings...

This new child of ours - the orange tabby feline variety - thinks he's my baby. Where ever I am - he wants to be and he's incredibly spoiled. One day - for fun - I stuck him in my Moby Wrap and now he's always wanting to be up close and cuddled. He was in my lap a few minutes ago - and kept trying to get up under my chin (I'm not sure what he was thinking). I finally got irritated with him and went and put on one of my moby wraps (or a homemade one actually). I popped him into it and after a few minutes of squirming, biting and clawing to get comfortable and let me know I was his mommy - he went to sleep - purring and all snuggled up in there. 

I swear he thinks he's a kangaroo!

Mine

They're playing that game again - 

you know the one where they take their toys or in this instant - their pacifiers - and scream at the top of their lungs "MINE."

Maddie is sitting in the reclining - protecting her eggs. She apparently has a nest in that chair and Wyatt is jeopardizing them by trying to climb up and sit with his sister.

Now he's back on the floor - drumming on the chair.

"No drumming Wyatt!" Maddie yells.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because this is my nest," she replies.

She's rocking the chair and singing rock a bye baby to her eggs - which are really her stuffed animals (3 giraffes). Although she claims there are 5 and 300 eggs that are going to hatch.

My daughter thinks she's a bird - great.

We're heading to the beach soon - there's an informal birthday party for one of the girls in our original playgroup - Sprouts2005. I think she's the last one to turn 3 out of the first child generation.

I just told Wyatt that he needs to put his paci in his crib and he looked at me and said, "Nuh-uh."

Maddie is refusing to get up and get dressed for the beach because she needs to lay her eggs. 

But at least she just told me she has to do her chores before we go to the beach - there's a little progress!

funny moments

So Maddie comes into the kitchen and tells me - Mommy I've got one of wyatt's diapers on!

She lifts up her dress and it's actually his Fleece cover with the whale embroidered on it - and she has it on backwards... and it's incredibly too small...

And then she started asking to nurse - something she hasn't done in ages...

and now she's running up and down the hall saying "diaper" in a silly little baby voice.

all the while wyatt is running around with a lemon - chewing on it - until he realized that it actually wasn't tasty and started crying.

Now he's trying out a lime.