The long, sad goodbye

Last year as I sat down to write my son's 2nd birthday letter I was mostly thinking about how much longer our breastfeeding relationship would last.

He seemed to be weaning - most days were so busy for my little man that he rarely stopped to ask to nurse. I was convinced and dreadful that the end was coming soon.

So I'm happy to say that a year later at three years old he's still nursing - but not much.

It's funny to me how people expect weaning to be a quick process, full of absolutes - the end. While weaning in the first year of life must be done deliberately - as most mothers' milk supplies are abundant and a sudden stop can spell disaster for a mom (and baby) - the weaning of a toddler is on an entirely different plane of thought.

In La Leche League we talk about natural weaning - other term's I've heard used are child-led or baby-led weaning and mother-led weaning. They all have very different meanings. Child-led weaning is just that - the child dictates when he or she wants to wean - not taking into consideration the opinion of the mother nursing them. Mother-led weaning is also quite simple to explain - the mother decides when and how to wean the child.

Natural weaning is a gentle give and take process that involves the emotions and opinions of both mom and child and this is what works best for us in our family. Other families may choose a different option, but I believe both Wyatt and I should have a voice in this decision.

When I was about 9 weeks pregnant with Wyatt I found myself having to make a radical decision and wean Maddie abruptly. She was 15 months old and my heart was broken that I would not meet the goal I set for 2 years of breastfeeding. After experiencing a lot of abnormal pain and cramping early in my pregnancy an ultrasound revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage and my doctor recommended weaning Maddie because nursing causes uterine contractions and he didn't want contractions to increase my chance of miscarrying the baby.

I went home and never nursed her again. I remember having to keep my distance lest she ask me to nurse. My heart was broken and I grieved for days and in some ways I grieve that loss still today.

One thing I constantly tell moms at the LLL meetings I lead is that I have experienced a profound difference in mothering toddlers when I compare the toddlerhood of Maddie who was not breastfed beyond 15 months and that of Wyatt who is still nursing at 3 years old.

Think about the tantrums, the frustrations, the owies and boo boos. Then think about having a secret weapon that would allow you to connect with your child on a primal level (because as Dr. Harvey Karp puts it, they're little Neanderthals). There is nothing more soothing and satisfying to both mother and child than being able to solve almost any problem under the sun by nursing.

There have been many times when I've used this secret weapon - sometimes by choice and others out of necessity. There have been days that were just "off" - every little thing caused a tantrum and we've sat down or laid down and had some quiet time nursing and talking and the rest of the day just turned around.

I can't tell you enough how important nursing has been for the many owies that come with raising toddlers (and boys).

In October the kids and I drove up to Ellijay, GA to visit our friends and adopted grandparents Harry and Elaine Heinisch. It was Sunday morning and we'd just finished church and the kids wanted to play on the playground there at the church. Maddie was on the swings and Wyatt was running around. You never see these kinds of things coming, but Harry was pushing Maddie on the swing and had just given her a big push and at the same moment Wyatt walked right into the path of the swing as she was on her way up.

It always happens in slow motion - but I felt terror and dread as I watched her connect with his little body. He flew up in the air, spun around and came down hard on a railroad tie. I guess in some ways I should be thankful that it was his head and not an area of his body less protected - an arm or a leg would easily have broken and I'm sure he would have had some internal damage had he landed on his abdomen.

It only took a second for the screaming to start and even though I was at a strange church in a strange down I did the thing that came to me most naturally (after deciding his neck wasn't in danger) and that was to grab him, sit down and nurse him. It wasn't easy - I was wearing layers plus an underwire bra, but I managed to get him latched on.

Instantly he stopped screaming and sobbing - his little body still convulsed with the aftermath of sobbing so hard - for a few minutes - but he calmed down.

Did you know that breastfeeding provides pain relief? It releases chemicals in the brain that relieve pain and bring comfort. So while many might have rushed to the hospital (I was told the local hospital wasn't that great of a place and the nearest "good" hospital was probably 20 miles away) - I instinctively offered him my breast to bring him comfort and pain relief.

That is probably the worst injury he's had to date - and he promptly went to see his chiropractor the next week when we returned home (and he was definitely out of alignment!).

These days our nursings are short and infrequent. He typically nurses the longest in the mornings and often at night he nurses for just a second or two before putting his cheek against my breast and going to sleep. There are times at night when he stirs (we're still co-sleeping) and asks for milk in his dreams and sometimes he'll nurse for 10 minutes as he slumbers.

Last night he was climbing into his chair at the dinner table, somehow missed the chair and connected his brow bone with the chair, fell down and rolled under the table. I scooped him up and we sat in our favorite chair in the living room and I offered to nurse.

He rejected my offer and asked for his pacifier instead.

I was floored! He had never once rejected nursing as a comfort measure. Surely this was the end I told my pouting self.

However after a moment with his paci he put his hand on my chest and asked for "mommy milk." I breathed a sigh of relief and put him to my breast. He didn't stay long, but laid his cheek against my bare skin and sighed.

So this relationship is no doubt coming to an end eventually. It might be today or months down the road. It is a long, sad goodbye for me as he's most likely my last baby. God only knows if we'll be blessed with another but for now the answer has always been "no."

I'm not holding on - forcing him to keep nursing. I'm just riding the ebb and flow of our beautiful relationship - knowing inevitably it will come to a close. I'll have fond memories and pictures to remind me how it felt to snuggle my babies at the breast and I'll miss that closeness that only nursing a baby can bring to a mother.

It's not time just yet to say goodbye, but the time is close at hand.

I will miss those moments and with sadness will leave my days of mothering through breastfeeding behind - carrying with me the many ideals and lessons I've learned as I venture into just mothering, without my secret weapon.

"Extended" Breastfeeding

Copyright 2007 by Anne Hinze, all rights reserved

It seems odd to me that people are so opinionated about a woman's decision to breastfeed her child longer than the obligatory 12 months. If you want to lecture me on something, lecture me on the fact that my almost -three-year-old is still addicted to her pacifier. That could have worse consequences for her than continuing to breastfeed through her preschool years.

The Facts:
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that all babies be breastfed exclusively for 6 months and that breastfeeding should be continued for a minimum of 12 months and as long after as is mutually desired by mom and baby.

The World Health Organization goes even further - saying that after 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding you should continue to breastfeed for two years or beyond.

Both of these statements are much more complicated than how I've paraphrased them, but they are both official policy for these organizations.

Worldwide the average child nurses anywhere from 2-8 years - which is why anywhere other than the United States we see greater spacing between babies because breastfeeding offers a period of lactational infertility for most women.

There are so many other facts that are important to keep in mind when you're discussing extended breastfeeding.

Human milk does not magically transform into White Water as Dr. Jack Newman so wonderfully puts it. The antibodies and nutrients so important for the first year do not simply disappear - in fact some properties of human milk increase in value the longer a child nurses.

Humans are the only species that drinks another mammals milk. Human milk for human babies, etc. Your child has no need to consume dairy products at all - in fact they are the culprits of all sorts of problems for little ones. There is a highly respected doctor (can't remember his name) who strongly believes that an overwhelming majority of "colic" cases he sees are actually cases where the baby is allergic or sensitive to dairy proteins present in the breastfeeding mom's diet or in the artificial baby milk the child is consuming.

So my son will not be introduced to cow's milk for a long time. I'm going to keep nursing him and that's the only milk he needs. He's already shown a tendency towards a diary allergy when he consumes yogurt and promptly throws it back up within an hour. I've limited the amount of dairy I consume so he is exposed to less through my breast milk.

Dr Jack Newman also says this: "Breastmilk is, after all, milk. Even after six months, it still contains protein, fat, and other nutritionally important and appropriate elements which babies and children need. Breastmilk still contains immunologic factors that help protect the baby. In fact, some immune factors in breastmilk that protect the baby against infection are present in greater amounts in the second year of life than in the first. This is, of course as it should be, since children older than a year are generally exposed to more sources of infection. Breastmilk still contains special growth factors that help the immune system to mature, and which help the brain, gut, and other organs to develop and mature."

"What about the emotional damage I'm doing to my toddler by continuing to breastfeed?"

This is one of the most frustrating questions I've come across. First of all, plenty of babies/toddlers self-wean and do so around a year or at two years - all by themselves. So if an infant/toddler is still nursing then it is because they choose to do so. You can't force a child to breast as you can with a bottle. The baby has to latch on and suck in order to get milk - all they have to do with a bottle is swallow as the milk drips into their mouth.

Dr. Newman again... "And breastfeeding makes the toddler dependent? Don’t believe it. The child who breastfeeds until he weans himself (usually from 2 to 4 years), is generally more independent, and, perhaps, more importantly, more secure in his independence. He has received comfort and security from the breast, until he is ready to make the step himself to stop. And when he makes that step himself, he knows he has achieved something, he knows he has moved ahead. It is a milestone in his life.

Often we push children to become "independent" too quickly. To sleep alone too soon, to wean from the breast too soon, to do without their parents too soon, to do everything too soon. Don’t push and the child will become independent soon enough. What’s the rush? Soon they will be leaving home. You want them to leave home at 14? If a need is met, it goes away. If a need is unmet (such as the need to breastfeed and be close to mom), it remains a need well into childhood and even the teenage years."


I've never let my babies cry it out, they've always been fed on demand - no limit on the number of times they could feed in a day. There have been days when I'm sure Wyatt has nursed 20+ times because he's needed to be close to me and I give him comfort as well as nourishment. Both slept in our bed until it either became a safety issue or they became bed hogs. Ok well, wyatt has always been a bed hog! He's in and out of our bed most nights as he's not sleeping through the night yet -(what a travesty, he didn't sleep through the night by 6 weeks...)

I refuse to be obsessed with these little things. He will sleep all night when he no longer needs milk in the middle of the night. He'll take a sippy cup when he's ready (maddie was already the master of hers at this age, but i think she was super early in that skill). I could force him out of the night feedings, but it's the one time in the day when I can just cuddle him without any distractions. I'm bleary eyed most mornings but I know this part of his life will pass by so quickly and I have no regrets for the time we spend together nursing. One day he won't want me for that and something else will take it's place for comfort.

There are more important things to worry about than how long I intend to breastfeed my child.

It's about as rude as asking another parent how long they intend to feed their child formula in a bottle. It's one thing to see a two year old nursing (although chances are you won't see it in the USA very often as it's something stigmatized and moms often choose to do it in private rather than being singled out in public. I'll nurse in public as long as I feel comfortable). It's a totally different thing to see a two-year-old walking around with a bottle hanging from its mouth.

Like I said there are far worse things we can let our children do than continue to breastfeed until they're ready to wean.

So do I have an upper limit on how long I'll let my child continue to breastfeed? I'm honestly not sure. My first goal is 2 years and to see how we're doing at that point.

So I'm almost at my halfway point as my other friends are contemplating how to wean. I have no desire to even contemplate weaning as Wyatt shows absolutely no interest.

I'm still in love with his little facial expressions as he latches on - the squishing of his nose and wide open mouth - the little noises he makes when he's impatient for me to feed him. The way he turns his head and opens his mouth in a dead sleep when I feed him in my bed.

So if anyone asks me how long I intend to "do that" I'm very open and honest that there's no end in sight for right now.

and really it's none of their business.

The difference between breastfeeding and nursing

Copyright 2007 Anne Hinze, all rights reserved.

I read something recently that there is a profound difference between breastfeeding and nursing.

Breastfeeding is something you do that nourishes the child while nursing is something that nurtures him.

I've pondered that a lot recently. Wyatt is 11 months old on Sunday and most women would be thinking of weaning at this point. They might be looking forward to it, or facing it with some apprehension.

We're not anywhere close to being done breastfeeding or nursing. I decided that he'd self wean when he's ready, hoping to meet and or exceed the World Health Organization's recommendation of a minimum of two years.

But that's not what is really on my mind as I'm just finished nursing him again tonight.

I'm thinking of all the bumps and bruises he's gotten lately - falling face first into the table or floor, pulling out drawers and smashing his little fingers. Those are all situations where he's definitely not hungry, but the breast brings him comfort - immediate comfort. It's not even something I think about anymore. He gets hurt and I nurse him. He's come to expect it - it's what he's looking for the minute I scoop him up to kiss his owie.

I've always enjoyed the sweetness of a newborn turning their head and rooting for a breast, but an older baby is even more of a beautiful thing. Sometimes it's subtle - a sweet patting on my chest. "Mom, do you think you could feed me?"

Other times it's a little more direct - as he tries to bury his head next to my breast. He's not trying to lift my shirt or anything (although I'm sure that's coming eventually) but he makes it clear as he nuzzles close to what he desires.

Yes, there are moments when it can be inconvenient, but honestly I don't mind. My friends and family are used to seeing me nurse my babies. They don't ask me to cover up or go in a different room. I've even gotten comfortable with my mom peeking her head closer to say, "Aww, that is just so beautiful!"

There are always curious toddlers wondering what Wyatt is doing. It's certainly not my place to explain why mommies have milk, but if they ask I'll say he's drinking mommy milk or that he's eating. I remember nursing wyatt on the hay ride and a preschooler asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was feeding my baby with mommy milk. His mother looked a little displeased with my answer, but I'm not going to lie and say he's sleeping!

I guess that's the difference with my children. To them, breastfeeding has always been and will always be the normal thing. We don't have many bottles in our house as Wyatt only gets one once a week and sometimes he won't even take it. Maddie routinely nurses her stuffed animals and if she does give them a bottle, she specifically says that it's mommy milk that she's pumped!

I love this about being a breastfeeding mommy. I love seeing pictures of my kids at the breast - and any baby at the breast actually. It's a truly beautiful thing symbolizing the perfect bond between mom and child. My little girl wants to see pictures of me breastfeeding her, and talks about pictures of her brother breastfeeding. It's not an exhibition of my breasts, but a visual memory of a sacred time between me and my child.

on weaning

It's been happening for a while now - this weaning thing.

It's not something either of us want, but more something that my body has decided to do on its own. My milk supply is very low - Wyatt nurses and pulls off and looks at me with a frustrated expression and says - Milk! Milk! Milk!

I'm sure it has to do with hormone fluctuations - and really the downward spiral started when my cycles resumed at 16 months. Now when I hit that ovulation time my supply dives and then again as the cycle restarts. 

He's frustrated and I'm frustrated almost to tears. I'm sad when someone asks if he's getting anything, because really the answer is probably not much. 

It's not baby-led weaning because he's just not ready - and it's not mommy led weaning because I'm not ready either - but my body sure seems to think so. 

I know we'll keep nursing for a while longer - even if it's just once a day - until it's gone.

Today in exasperation on both our parts - I gave him a bottle of cow's milk - warmed. He drank almost 8 ounces and I instantly felt terrible because I KNOW that I don't have that much milk left in one nursing anymore. 

It's not supposed to be like this  - I saw it just ending gradually - mutually.

Tonight he didn't nurse at all - I gave him the bottle again (he won't drink milk from a sippy...). 

I know he'll wake up in the middle of the night like always, and I'll nurse him then - it's just thinking about it all that has me almost in tears.

We still haven't decided if he's the last baby for us. I've been feeling very strongly lately that maybe God wants us to have another, but the financial obligation to pay cash for care and delivery is something out of our means at this point. Wyatt's pregnancy and birth were very expensive and with all the complications we paid out a good $13K in cash - not credit. 

Mike did say the other day that he wouldn't mind having another little boy...

It's really in God's hands at this point.

I'd like to write more, but we're planning our weekly trip to the local waterpark in the morning and I have diapers to wash, lunches to pack and all the other little things that need to be done before bed.