Wyatt's thoughts on Mommy Milk

Just now as I was helping Wyatt back into his clothes after using the potty he decided to share with me a few thoughts about Mommy Milk - so I have to share.

He reached up and put his hand on my chest...

"I'm feeling the mommy milk," he said. "It's all filled up."

"I love Mommy Milk!"

"I love it for nighttime!"

Me:

"Wyatt, what do you like about Mommy Milk?"

Wyatt:

"the heart."

Every time he nurses he finishes by placing his ear against my breast and listening to my heart - most nights he falls asleep listening to my heartbeat.

The long, sad goodbye

Last year as I sat down to write my son's 2nd birthday letter I was mostly thinking about how much longer our breastfeeding relationship would last.

He seemed to be weaning - most days were so busy for my little man that he rarely stopped to ask to nurse. I was convinced and dreadful that the end was coming soon.

So I'm happy to say that a year later at three years old he's still nursing - but not much.

It's funny to me how people expect weaning to be a quick process, full of absolutes - the end. While weaning in the first year of life must be done deliberately - as most mothers' milk supplies are abundant and a sudden stop can spell disaster for a mom (and baby) - the weaning of a toddler is on an entirely different plane of thought.

In La Leche League we talk about natural weaning - other term's I've heard used are child-led or baby-led weaning and mother-led weaning. They all have very different meanings. Child-led weaning is just that - the child dictates when he or she wants to wean - not taking into consideration the opinion of the mother nursing them. Mother-led weaning is also quite simple to explain - the mother decides when and how to wean the child.

Natural weaning is a gentle give and take process that involves the emotions and opinions of both mom and child and this is what works best for us in our family. Other families may choose a different option, but I believe both Wyatt and I should have a voice in this decision.

When I was about 9 weeks pregnant with Wyatt I found myself having to make a radical decision and wean Maddie abruptly. She was 15 months old and my heart was broken that I would not meet the goal I set for 2 years of breastfeeding. After experiencing a lot of abnormal pain and cramping early in my pregnancy an ultrasound revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage and my doctor recommended weaning Maddie because nursing causes uterine contractions and he didn't want contractions to increase my chance of miscarrying the baby.

I went home and never nursed her again. I remember having to keep my distance lest she ask me to nurse. My heart was broken and I grieved for days and in some ways I grieve that loss still today.

One thing I constantly tell moms at the LLL meetings I lead is that I have experienced a profound difference in mothering toddlers when I compare the toddlerhood of Maddie who was not breastfed beyond 15 months and that of Wyatt who is still nursing at 3 years old.

Think about the tantrums, the frustrations, the owies and boo boos. Then think about having a secret weapon that would allow you to connect with your child on a primal level (because as Dr. Harvey Karp puts it, they're little Neanderthals). There is nothing more soothing and satisfying to both mother and child than being able to solve almost any problem under the sun by nursing.

There have been many times when I've used this secret weapon - sometimes by choice and others out of necessity. There have been days that were just "off" - every little thing caused a tantrum and we've sat down or laid down and had some quiet time nursing and talking and the rest of the day just turned around.

I can't tell you enough how important nursing has been for the many owies that come with raising toddlers (and boys).

In October the kids and I drove up to Ellijay, GA to visit our friends and adopted grandparents Harry and Elaine Heinisch. It was Sunday morning and we'd just finished church and the kids wanted to play on the playground there at the church. Maddie was on the swings and Wyatt was running around. You never see these kinds of things coming, but Harry was pushing Maddie on the swing and had just given her a big push and at the same moment Wyatt walked right into the path of the swing as she was on her way up.

It always happens in slow motion - but I felt terror and dread as I watched her connect with his little body. He flew up in the air, spun around and came down hard on a railroad tie. I guess in some ways I should be thankful that it was his head and not an area of his body less protected - an arm or a leg would easily have broken and I'm sure he would have had some internal damage had he landed on his abdomen.

It only took a second for the screaming to start and even though I was at a strange church in a strange down I did the thing that came to me most naturally (after deciding his neck wasn't in danger) and that was to grab him, sit down and nurse him. It wasn't easy - I was wearing layers plus an underwire bra, but I managed to get him latched on.

Instantly he stopped screaming and sobbing - his little body still convulsed with the aftermath of sobbing so hard - for a few minutes - but he calmed down.

Did you know that breastfeeding provides pain relief? It releases chemicals in the brain that relieve pain and bring comfort. So while many might have rushed to the hospital (I was told the local hospital wasn't that great of a place and the nearest "good" hospital was probably 20 miles away) - I instinctively offered him my breast to bring him comfort and pain relief.

That is probably the worst injury he's had to date - and he promptly went to see his chiropractor the next week when we returned home (and he was definitely out of alignment!).

These days our nursings are short and infrequent. He typically nurses the longest in the mornings and often at night he nurses for just a second or two before putting his cheek against my breast and going to sleep. There are times at night when he stirs (we're still co-sleeping) and asks for milk in his dreams and sometimes he'll nurse for 10 minutes as he slumbers.

Last night he was climbing into his chair at the dinner table, somehow missed the chair and connected his brow bone with the chair, fell down and rolled under the table. I scooped him up and we sat in our favorite chair in the living room and I offered to nurse.

He rejected my offer and asked for his pacifier instead.

I was floored! He had never once rejected nursing as a comfort measure. Surely this was the end I told my pouting self.

However after a moment with his paci he put his hand on my chest and asked for "mommy milk." I breathed a sigh of relief and put him to my breast. He didn't stay long, but laid his cheek against my bare skin and sighed.

So this relationship is no doubt coming to an end eventually. It might be today or months down the road. It is a long, sad goodbye for me as he's most likely my last baby. God only knows if we'll be blessed with another but for now the answer has always been "no."

I'm not holding on - forcing him to keep nursing. I'm just riding the ebb and flow of our beautiful relationship - knowing inevitably it will come to a close. I'll have fond memories and pictures to remind me how it felt to snuggle my babies at the breast and I'll miss that closeness that only nursing a baby can bring to a mother.

It's not time just yet to say goodbye, but the time is close at hand.

I will miss those moments and with sadness will leave my days of mothering through breastfeeding behind - carrying with me the many ideals and lessons I've learned as I venture into just mothering, without my secret weapon.

Sweet Toddler Nursing...

Tonight the procrastination was evident with both Maddie and Wyatt. They wanted cuddles in Mommy Bed (is what Maddie calls my bed) and Our Bed (that's what Wyatt calls my bed). They wanted snacks - even after the no-eating timeline, drinks of water and a million other silly requests.

Finally Maddie was in bed and fast asleep and after a few more snuggles and some mommy milk - I tucked Wyatt into bed. But he wasn't on board and after several minutes of anxious crying I went into the room to see if I could soothe him. I hugged and kissed him and told him I loved him, but that he needed to go to sleep. "I scared," he told me. "I'm cold."

I wrapped him up and made sure his night light was on - and left the room for the second time.

It didn't take nearly as long for him to turn up the volume and sound even more frantic this time around.

And being the compassionate mom who doesn't believe in crying-it-out, I picked him up and brought him to where I'd been sitting at the kitchen table. I knew that if I nursed him he'd settle down and go more easily to bed.

He actually nursed well - for about 10 minutes and even changed sides...

But the moment that melted my heart came after he was finished nursing - he let go and fell back into my arms and said "Mommy, I'm sleepy." At that moment the last word escaped between his sweet lips his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he was out.

There is nothing sweeter than cuddling and nursing a toddler - someone who can tell you his needs and wants and verbally and physically give you his love and thanks.

I must also say that at the end of the day - holding a sweet, sleeping Wyatt in my arms makes up for all the frustrations any mom of a toddler experiences on a day to day basis.

A big boy bed - well kind of...

It's been coming - the day when Wyatt would grow out - I mean climb out - of his crib.

He's actually been climbing out for about a week - thanks to the wise instruction of his older sister!

I wasn't ready to give up the crib - although Maddie was moved to a twin-size mattress on the floor when she was not quite 18 months old.

I liked having a place to use for time outs - for me and him! And it was nice to know that he was contained and not wandering his room playing with toys when he should be napping.

But it's no longer a safe containment system and I worry about him falling and getting hurt - so this morning during the torrential down pours I took the crib apart (it's still in the hallway since it's STILL raining and we can't get out to the storage shed in the rain).

Eventually he'll have a twin-size mattress on the floor just like Maddie did - but for now he's alright on the crib one - although it's so small!

I was very pleased that he went down easily for his nap today and didn't get up to play! Tonight at bedtime I had to go in and lay down and nurse him a little bit more and when I got up the second time he told me "Night Night" and "I love you too" and stayed with his little head on the pillow - pulling his Thomas blanket up close to his face.

Part of me wants to cry (and that part wants another baby!) because it's just another way that he's not a baby anymore. There's a small part of me that was ready, but it was more out of necessity and safety I guess.

I'm going to start crying if I keep writing - because there are so many precious things about my little ones that move me to tears (of love and frustration!). I'm just amazed at them - how they grow and talk and learn so much about life from each day. I love that I am able to be a part of their world as a stay at home mom - to experience the awe and wonder that fills their little eyes.

I am humbled by my children - always.

Moving Away!

Preschoolers are funny people - they are like little sponges soaking up whatever they hear and see. They often incorporate things they've heard or seen into their conversations. Someone - like a teacher or mother or close friend/family member who spends a lot of time with them can easily recognize when they're talking about something that they may have picked up on elsewhere.

Last night - Madeleine went to visit with her Great Grandma Hinze - she's in town visiting for the holidays and Mike took the kids over to see her. At some point during the evening Maddie said something "odd" - per Mike's retelling of the story.

She told her Gran that she either would never be coming back over to see her - or that this was the last time she was coming over.

That's pretty harsh.

And for someone who doesn't get to spend a lot of time with her - it's probably even more harsh. Maddie has a very complex personality and she's sharper than a tack. She picks up on everything - whether it's a little snippet that someone said 3 weeks ago or an argument between mommy and daddy or even between other people or a conversation she had with her friends at preschool.

So when Mike came home and told me this - I actually wasn't surprised.

Why - you might ask?

Because she had told me the same exact thing - right before he got home. I had intended to discuss it with him before he left - because I figured it was going to come up - she's a rather determined little girl.

However he came home later than anticipated and I was scrambling to get the kids dressed and myself out the door to band practice - because I'm on to lead worship with other band members this weekend (4th week in a row...)

So before you start thinking - oh how horrible - what a terrible thing for her to say! Let me explain the "rest of the story."

With Maddie - there is always a "rest of the story." If you simply take what she says - that she will never be going over to see them again - one would automatically jump to the conclusion that either she'd overheard a conversation between her father and myself - or that she'd been told this.

Which is not true in the least.

If whoever had heard her say this had simply asked her "WHY?" - you would have eventually gotten a logical explanation.

This was MY conversation with Maddie before she left with Daddy and Wyatt yesterday:

Maddie: This is the last time I'm going over to see my gran and grandpa.

Me: Why would it be the last time?

Maddie: Because we are moving away.

Me: We are? Where are we moving to?

Maddie: To (something that I can't even pronounce) just like Samina.

(Samina is a girl in her preschool class. I happen to know that at the end of the school year they are moving back to MINNESOTA because her dad is getting out of the air force. Samina is one of Maddie's best friends in school - she adores her (and her pink cowboy boots) and obviously in Samina's house they are talking about the move in order to prepare the kids)

Me: Oh - to Minnesota?

Maddie: Yes, to Minnesota - like Samina.


You see - there is a perfectly logical explanation for something that probably sounded terrible to her grandparents. She had incorporated a conversation she'd had with a girlfriend at school - who is moving away - She wants to go with Samina because she will miss her and in her little preschool mind - it was the last time she'd go over there because she thinks she's moving away just like Samina.

And for the record - Maddie has been telling all of our friends and family that we are moving away - I've gotten a few curious looks and phone calls.

There is always an explanation - most times logical - although I will admit that she is her own person - incredibly smart and sensitive. She makes up her own explanations for things all the times - gets wild notions of her own and is gently redirected when she says something that is may be inappropriate.

You have to know Maddie's personality - and you also have to understand that after all she is only three years old. She has an enormous vocabulary - but doesn't understand the meaning of all the words she "knows."

However if you just ask her questions about what she said - she's very honest with you and will explain her reasoning. She's not trying to be hurtful and she is most certainly never coached to say things.


The things she says are truly innocent - because she is after all - just a young child.

I regret not being able to tell this story to Mike before he left - because he didn't know how to handle it when it happened. He works so much of the day that his time to just sit and talk with Maddie or even just pick up on the things she's chatting about is very limited. Through no fault of his own - other than his gender I suppose - he is also quite handicapped when it comes to paying attention to little details and often misses this kind of thing entirely - because he's just not in tune with the mind and ramblings of preschoolers like I am.

I'm sorry that she said this - to someone who she loves and who loves her. I'm sorry I wasn't there to be able to quickly diffuse the situation and hope that it doesn't blow up in our faces. That would be terrible and sad.

She's even told my mother - her Mimi, who she adores and I often think would rather live with sometimes (because she gives her candy and has tea parties all day long) that she is moving away - but we all know she is playing out conversations she's had at school and instead of reprimanding or assuming the worst we often play along and dream with her about where we'd go.

Spend some time with our family and you'd see for yourself - it's a crazy world inside our house - full of fairies and princesses - imaginary trip to wherever we want to go. We love and encourage our children - feeding their imaginations while keeping them grounded with one foot in reality.

Sibling Wars

It's started already - at the young ages of almost 4 and just shy of 2...

I swear they do it deliberately - Maddie will take Wyatt's Thomas blanket just to make him cry - he's screaming no and she just keeps on.

He follows her around the house screaming at her and the "Mine" game is quickly getting out of control.

Wyatt is cranky anyways - obviously still not feeling quite right. 

It makes for a rather tense morning - to constantly be defusing time bombs and trying to comfort a very unhappy little man.

I had great hopes for what I would accomplish this morning to include straightening up the house and making it to the grocery store.

Say a prayer for my sanity, please!

Playdate with becca, todd and ryan part 1

On veterans day last week we joined our good friends becca, todd and ryan at the Destin Children's Park for some fun. After playing there we went to Publix and picked up lunch - went to the pavilions at The Crab Trap beach - to have lunch and then played at the beach for a bit. Here are pictures from the park:











Maddie and a girl playing princesses locked in a dungeon - waiting for a prince

Sweet Morning Moments

This morning I woke up to a cute, little blue eyed boy smiling at me in my bed. Mike was gone last night and when Wyatt woke up in the middle of the night I kept him in bed with me because it's oh-so-wonderful to snuggle with a sweet, sleepy child in the mornings.

He gave me a cheery "HI!" and then asked rather quietly and sweetly for some milk - which I lovingly obliged him. We cuddled and nursed and chatted. He asked me over and over where his daddy was - "he's fishing - he's at work," I would tell him over and over.

"Fishing," he say with a very serious tone in his voice.

He was generous with his kisses this morning, too - with extra lovies for our cat, Azzie - who was sleeping peacefully under the covers- with her head on the pillow. Pumpkin the kitten was no where to be found, which was nice for once because he terrorizes Azzie by jumping and biting and scratching her and this makes her very grumpy. I miss my nighttime cuddles with her, so it's rare that she's on my bed when I wake in the mornings. She is usually up high on top of the cabinets where Pumpkin has yet to find her.

I love sleepy, lazy mornings where cuddles are abundant and schedules are slow. I love the time change because my kids are waking up closer to 7 a.m. these days instead of the 8-9 a.m. that was common and awfully inconvenient before the time change.

Azzie just jumped up on the desk to purr and tell me she loves me and like a magnet Pumpkin has appeared to annoy and be a pest. I've thrown him off the desk three times now and he's incorrigible. He lacks the grace of an older cat, constantly knocking things over and sending yarn and papers scattering onto the floors. Azzie looks at him with disgust - as do I at this moment. He's relentless - this little kitten!

For a moment life is as it should be - with happy toddlers - one watching Noggin and reading a book and the other playing the piano while two kitties wrestle on the hardwood floors. I am content in the moment - the dishes can wait and mopping will happen one day I expect. We'll get dressed soon and head to the "mommy milk meeting" where they'll play with friends and mothers will share their love and frustrations with breastfeeding - and the world will be a happier place because we are happy, too.

Sweet nursing moments

A few months ago I wasn't sure if Wyatt and I would still be breastfeeding. It seemed then that he was quite frustrated with my lack of abundant milk supply and he would let me know with each feeding.

But things seem to have evened out. We still have some frustrating moments now and then, but they are all erased by the sweet moments like tonight..

I sat down to nurse him before bed - in my favorite chair - the recliner my parents bought us as a rocking chair when I was expecting Maddie.

He latched on for a few seconds, let go and looked up at me and in a commanding voice said, "SING!"

I kind of looked at him oddly - this is a new request. I've kind of gotten out of the habit of singing them lullabies at night lately and it was just out of the blue that he's started requesting me to sing to him.

I sang "twinkle twinkle little star," taking a moment to breathe after finishing it.

"Sing!" he commanded again.

So I sang him "story" as it's called in our house - but the full title is "Mother Tell me the Story."

It's a song out of the children's songbook for the Mormon Church. It's a sweet song about a child asking his mother to tell him the story about how he came here - about heaven and Jesus. I listened to my best friend Rebecca sing it to her little ones and committed it to heart and it's one of our favorites.

He must have been satisfied after that song - because his only request after that was "SIDE! side side." Which is his way of asking to change sides when the milk flow decreases.

There's something heavenly about nursing your newborn baby - knowing that you're the only one who can satisfy their needs. 

But there is something just as special about nursing your toddler who can communicate their wants and needs to you. There's a little less guesswork - a little more assurance that you're doing the right thing by continuing to offer them the love and comfort and nourishment from your breast.

Now if he'd just learn to sleep through the night!

Wyatt shrieks and other randomness from the moment

Wyatt's newest way to annoy his older sister is to stand in front of her and scream at the top of his lungs.

She, of course, starts yelling at him to stop - telling him it's hurting her ears - and he laughs at her and screams louder.

Seriously - he follows her around the house this afternoon and goes up to her and starts screaming with a wicked grin on his face.

At the moment they are planning a trip - Maddie has her backpack all packed up and Wyatt is at the front door knocking on the window part of it. He keeps saying, "bye bye!"

There he goes again - screaming at his sister.

"Wyatt, what is that crying about?" Maddie asks him.

"Oh, you want to dance." she says as he starts stomping and dancing.

And then the screaming starts again. She tries to explain to him that she really doesn't like the screaming.

"Ball starts with J," she tells her brother.

I quickly correct her and tell her that Ball starts with B - bbbb bbbbuh B.

And I'm looking at my little girl in her favorite Kate Mack pink tulle dress from her grandmomma - with cheap little fairy wings I had to clip together in the front. She has one white sock on her foot - because that's her style. She's also sporting a crown and various other elements of jewelry.

All her own dressing.

Ball, ball, ball - Wyatt says over and over - looking for the new little Spiderman ball his Mimi and Aunt Nat Nat brought him this morning.

Ah- a moment in motherhood - to relax for a minute - the rolls are rising nicely and the lasagna I made with some garden grown veggies and a leftover ribeye steak - is baking in the oven.

My kids are playing so nicely together and every few minutes Maddie comes to ask me to add something to her backpack. So far I've put play keys, a microphone, a toothbrush and a headband - all important items to take when you're going on a trip no doubt.

Wyatt - with his ball in hand is running out from under the curtains - they make such a great hiding spot.

Maddie is asking me to write a story about her favorite animal - a giraffe named Bailey. And she's also proclaiming to Wyatt that there are no balls in her city - they are not allowed.

And the shrieking begins again - quickly followed by that insane giggling only two sibling toddlers can create.