writer's lament

It's late and I'm tired, but seeing that technology has yet to develop a usb port that plugs into a mom's head and downloads all those thoughts and moments worth recording (and ones not worth it) - I'm forcing myself to sit and write for a few minutes before I spontaneously combust from lack of writing recently.

If you aren't a writer you probably don't get it.

When I'm not writing - I'm depressed, anxious, grouchy and not a lot of fun to be around mostly. I fake it pretty well - but I always get to the point where I have to write or I'm going to explode. Mostly I write (or want to write) about the little things that happen in my day-to-day life. Sometimes I write to complain, or decompress or as a means of therapy. Those blogs typically don't show up here, though - they're too incriminating! I keep those private for the most part - a few (and I mean like two) people have access to those thoughts, but I hardly ever write there these days so they've moved on to other more consistent blogging friends who don't leave them hanging for weeks, months at a time.

Seeing that I haven't written in weeks really - I'm a mess.

Tonight I blew up at my husband for sending Wyatt to me to wipe off a booger. Why was this such a big deal you might ask? Surely a mother knows that part of her job description reads "must wipe boogers."

Well I'll tell you why - I was in the bathroom! I was having a few minutes to myself for the first time in the day and the last thing I wanted to do was lean across the room to open the door and wipe a disgusting booger off my son's finger!

I would say that most dads just don't know what it's like to never use the bathroom without an audience. Whether it's communal peeing (Wyatt still prefers the little potty) or conversations that just CAN'T wait until I get out - I honestly lose track of all the excuses. I tend not to lock the door because the screaming and banging is worse than the reason they needed to interrupt me in the first place.

So there I was sitting for a few moments, leafing through my brand new copy of Mother Earth News and I was offended as I listened to my husband tell my son to not only show me his booger (which he did and I told him it was gross and closed the door) - but to go back to mommy and ask her to wipe it off his finger! GRRRRR

I promise you if I'd have pulled the same prank on him if HE was on the toilet he would have been pissed! But was it ok for me to be offended and get upset? No!

In my fit of rage, upset I yelled at him and demanded if it was too much to ask to have 5 minutes uninterrupted to sit on the toilet BY MYSELF and not have to wipe boogers, answer questions, console hurt feelings, etc. I just wanted a few minutes to myself for crying out loud.

His response was not nice as he yelled at me to just leave since all I had been complaining about all day was that I needed some time away.

So this is how I get back to my writer's angst.

I had waited patiently all week for Sunday to come. Mike worked all day (and I mean ALL day yesterday). He left somewhere between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. and returned home at MIDNIGHT. He worked late several nights last week and I was hanging by a thin thread by this morning - I just needed some time by myself - a cup of coffee and free WIFI and a table and chair to sit in - so I could write and decompress. I needed these moments so I could return home refreshed and be a better mommy and wife.

So today dawned and Mike talked about wanting to go to Destin to see clients and the earlier the better. It still took us a good 2 hours to get out of the house and by the time we got to Destin with the kids and dog it was close to 1 p.m. and I wistfully considered that I would have been on my own if our day had gone the way I'd planned.

We had a nice lunch at Harry T's. We saw dolphins in the pass, the dog sat nicely, slept, drove us nuts because he couldn't sit still. My food was wonderful, tasty, hot, cold and not very good. I will never again order the tenderloin benedict - it was terrible! After the almost hour it took to get our food we ate and walked back to the truck in the rain...

The clients weren't at the boat although we were able to visit with a good friend of theirs.

We went to home depot where despite my husband's help, lack of help I managed to pick out lumber, get it cut, pick out plants and compost, etc - with both of my kids running around and wyatt throwing a terrible tantrum as I was checking out and the cashier putting the compost trash can on top of my broccoli plants and breaking half of them. Where was Mike? He was in the truck with the dog - because he didn't want to leave him alone in the truck.

Following the tantrum, I pushed my cart at Mike- who I had called while checking out - to bring the truck up to the door... I carried my screaming 3 year old on my hip as I went back and got non-broken broccoli plants and took them back to the truck - then walked all the way across the store to the bathroom where I helped both of them use the bathroom and then got a soda in the self checkout line and then we went home.

I took my frustrations out on my garden - wrestling the wooden pieces into a grid for my new square-foot garden bed - I pounded the nails into the timbers and ended up with 28, 1 ft squares. I planted some of the plants I purchased and interrupted my gardening to go put a diaper on wyatt because Mike was ignoring him when he was on the phone and I had asked Wyatt to ask him daddy to help since I was elbow deep in dirt and fish emulsion.

But mommy saved the day and quickly washed her hands and got the diaper on before there was an accident (more on potty training struggles later) - changed the diaper and finished the grid  - all before the booger-toilet incident.

Actually I forgot - before the toilet incident Maddie caught a frisbee point blank in the face (nose I think) and had a meltdown and then Wyatt started crying when I talked to him about not throwing the frisbee at his sister's head. We all piled into my bed to turn on a movie and calm down and Mike promptly fell asleep - at 6 p.m.!

I guess in a way I'm jealous because I never get to just fall asleep like that - the kids would never allow it. They'd be crawling on me or crying or whining or banging on the door. And I'm a little resentful that my husband fell asleep during our family movie moment and got an hour nap (would have been longer if i hadn't turned on the lights and demanded he get up and help me!).

Ok- so I know this post is whiney and negative - but I've had a crappy day and I set out to do some writing and this is just what came out.

yes - i know that I have A LOT to be thankful for - and I'm most thankful that I have two wonderful kids who drive me crazy and a husband who puts up with my moods and emotional outbursts. We're healthy and happy most of the time and have family who loves us a whole lot and then some.

Sometimes you just need to vent!

a new year coming soon

as the new year draws ever closer I am resolved to write more this year.

There are two ways I find peace in my life - it's been like this since I was young.

I feel at peace when I'm writing regularly - whether it's fiction, poetry or the prattle of a three-year-old. I also feel peace through music.

The writing is something I can do on my own - and I can certainly sing in the house, shower, van, etc. One thing I've missed though is performing with the band at church.

In the darkness that has consumed my last few months I've distanced myself from my church family. My feelings were hurt and I was sulking for lack of a better explanation. It's sad, but it seemed to me that few people noticed my absence, let alone asked me why I'd gone from diligent attender to nonexistent. I think this hurt just as much as the grievances themselves.

So as the new year begins I'm going to forget about the he said and she said and concentrate rather on the real reason I go to church - which is to worship God. I'm there for God and to grow in my relationship with Him.

My hopes are that as I find my place once again in God's house I'll be singing for Him again.

I feel closest to God when I am staring at the face of a mountain and when I am glorifying him in song.

So I want to write more and sing more as the year dawns bright and new.

I have other hopes and dreams for 2010 as well, but Mike is complaining about the clicking of the keyboard while he's trying to sleep...

So hard to start again...

I feel like it's been weeks since I've written anything of substance in either of my blogs. I've been caught up in the self pity and frustration that came with my laptop's accident - it's incredibly difficult to type on a keyboard where the space bar sticks and every other key you hit doesn't work the first time. I've had to compose a certain rhythm to my typing - trying to remember which key I need to hit twice before the letter appears on the screen. For someone whose fingers fly at the speed of my thoughts - having a keyboard that isn't up to par is enfuriating.

And because I've not been writing I have guilt - guilt over not capturing the little moments that I want to remember - guilt that I'm not staying true to what brings me peace - guilt that I haven't even taken more than 2 pictures of my kids in the last 3 weeks!

All the guilt aside - we have been having fun just enjoying life. We're working on the backyard and have successfully constructed one of the 4x8 foot gardening containers - 2 more to go! I never thought I would find so much excitement in the prospect of dirt and seeds! Last night I stayed up until almost midnight pouring over the website at Rare Seedsdreaming of what my garden is going to produce this summer. So far I've decided on three different types of eggplant and 2 types of cucumbers and some zucchini and a summer squash called lemon squash.

I'll be trying my hand at exotic fruits like "Yellow Wonder Wild Strawberry" and "Giant Cape Gooseberry." I'm thrilled to plant the 5-color Silverbeet Swiss Chard that Barbara Kingsolver writes about in her book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and am even going to try planting some "Marina de Chioggia" pumpkins which hail from Italy and are a prized winter squash for soups and roasting.

I've yet to pick out my tomatoes - the choices are just too many and I feel overwhelmed!

My gardening journal is started - with my seed choices and the year. I hope to add lots of notes to help expand my choices in 2010.

Maddie and Wyatt are growing up so quickly. It's been crazy to see and hear Wyatt's vocabulary and speaking explode over the last few weeks. Last night he called me back into his bedroom and talked for almost 5 minutes about the basketball that is stuck up in the rafters at church in the Community LIfe Center. He was so funny - very concerned about it and adamant that it needs to be fixed.

My little princess is almost 4 years old and I find myself constantly wondering where the time has gone. It's so hard for me to accept that she'll be starting VPK (voluntary pre-kindergarten) next August and then ready for kindergarten in just about 18 months from now. I'm still trying to decide if she'll go to public school or if I'll try my hand at homeschooling. I am very interested in homeschooling but doubt my ability to stick to a routine or schedule. Lisa Ausley - our senior pastor's wife - keeps telling me that I will be a fabulous homeschool mom and that she has all this faith in me. I love that she's so encouraging... I just have to convince my husband that it will work out.

The busy season is about to start again and once again I find myself not ready for the time I'll be left to myself. Mike has a busy schedule already - which is a huge blessing in the light of our economy's current state. He's going to be gone half of March and there are several other week-long trips on his books.

I'm looking forward to taking my doula certification workshop and am excited to already have a client or two lined up. My goal is to finish my certification requirements before the end of this calendar year.

Whew - it feels better just writing all of that!

Sometimes the hardest part about writing is starting again. We writers tend to sit and obsess about all that we wanted to write - pictures we should have posted or taken, things we wanted to say, memories we wanted to remember - and suddenly weeks have passed and we've nothing to show for it other than a happy family.

The first words are hard - but it's best to start from where you are in this moment than to try and pick up where you left off.

Go on- write a novel

Ever heard of NaNoWriMo?

My girlfriend Shari has done this for several years - I think she's actually won it a time or two - meaning she's completed 50,000 words that make sense (mostly) in a month.

National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.
Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved.
Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.
Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down.
...


In 2007, we had over 100,000 participants. More than 15,000 of them crossed the 50k finish line by the midnight deadline, entering into the annals of NaNoWriMo superstardom forever. They started the month as auto mechanics, out-of-work actors, and middle school English teachers. They walked away novelists.
So, to recap:
What: Writing one 50,000-word novel from scratch in a month's time.
Who: You! We can't do this unless we have some other people trying it as well. Let's write laughably awful yet lengthy prose together.
Why: The reasons are endless! To actively participate in one of our era's most enchanting art forms! To write without having to obsess over quality. To be able to make obscure references to passages from our novels at parties. To be able to mock real novelists who dawdle on and on, taking far longer than 30 days to produce their work.
When: You can sign up anytime to add your name to the roster and browse the forums. Writing begins November 1. To be added to the official list of winners, you must reach the 50,000-word mark by November 30 at midnight. Once your novel has been verified by our web-based team of robotic word counters, the partying begins.

I'm actually contemplating doing this - not that November is going to be any less of a crazy month, but it's been forever since I've done something creative and intellectual for me - other than coming up with new and improved ways to wash cloth diapers so they get really clean. 

Anyone want to join me?

I have no plot or characters at this time - I'll be hoping for some inspiration soon - like by next saturday.

I'm hoping Mike will be gracious enough to let me slip away for one night a week to just go write in an encouraging environment.

Writer's Blah

It's frustrating - I need to write and have things to write about - but I just don't want to do it. For me, writing is therapy. I started the family blog so I could try and focus on my kids and family life instead of hashing out all the other stuff that often coagulates in my mind. 

Part of my malaise is that Mike has been working 6-7 days a week. He leaves early in the morning and often gets home either just before or just after the kids are in bed. This makes for long days for both of us. He's tired and I'm quickly getting burned out. I keep telling myself that it's only a few more weeks and then things will start to slow down with fishing - maybe. It's a blessing that he's fishing so much. He's in steady demand as a captain and he turns people down all the time. I'm dreading the next 2-3 weeks because it's going to be rough. Right now, weather permitting he will fish 9 days straight, with a possible overnight trip in there - starting this coming Thursday.

Nine days is nothing compared to when he was charter fishing, and my kudos to my fellow moms who are facing toddlers and missing husbands - and to all the military wives as well.

But it's still hard. When he finishes that stretch he's leaving for a week to fish in Lousiana, too. And then it will be time for school to start.

Ugh. 

Does life ever slow down? I know the answer to that question - NO.

When I'm not writing I'm pent up and have a short fuse - couple that with cranky toddlers and an absent husband and I'm not the happiest person to be around right now.

I know part of the problem is pictures. I feel this intense obligation to include pictures with my posts about the kids - because so often I take pictures as the day goes on - intending to write blog entries about it.

I'm behind in my storytelling.

I need to blog about the wedding of Lizzie Long Ears and Blueberry (it was a beautiful ceremony). 

There was something else I wanted to write about that happened today, but I can't remember now...

You see I write entries in my head as the day goes by - Man I wish I could hook up a USB cable to my brain and just download all that stuff. I'd probably sleep a whole lot better at night!

Speaking of sleep - I should probably get some. Wyatt has already woken up once tonight - I had to cut my relaxing bathtime short... 

We've got church in the morning and Mike finally has a day off so there will be something fun to do - after he mows the yard, which is about 5 foot tall now it seems. Some random man, looking for work - stopped by and offered to mow it for me. I was caught off-guard in my pajamas, messy hair and no bra - so I quickly turned him down. I almost instantly regretted it though - he probably needed the money and my yard definitely needed mowing. That was three days ago and it's still just as high. I did look down the road for him that morning, but he was gone. I felt so guilty - that compassionate heart of mine - always wanting to help people out. 

anyways - I digress - sleep is calling me - kind of .

Letters and a Milestone

After horseback riding, Chinese take-out and all the other stuff we did this evening you probably think I'm crazy for this impromptu craft project, but let me tell you it was worth it!

I splurged on these dot paints the other day - I say splurge because they were $15 for 6 of them. I know I could probably find the BINGO markers a lot cheaper, but I never can seem to find them and was looking for something that Wyatt could participate with and not make that big of a mess.

I've been really impressed with this blog called No Time for Flash Cards. It's a mom who posts all her art projects with her little guy. I think she must have been or currently be a teacher of some sort, because she often ties everything to a book or song (and videos herself singing the song even!).

So tonight - borrowing one of her ideas - we did the letter "M" and "W" because - hey - they're the same letter just upside down!

Wyatt didn't really get into it, but he made a few dots and then I gave him a crayon, which he colored with and then ate the tip. Remind me to not be freaked out by purple in his diaper in the morning!

Maddie really got into it!

I think she might have been pushing a little too hard when I snapped this picture!

Daddy came in to inspect their artwork.

I didn't take any pictures while she was cutting because I had to let her use my sharp scissors because for some reason the little ones I have for her have gone missing... She did an ok job - but we need to work on scissor skills some.

THIS is what I'm so excited about - she wrote her name! I helped her with where the letters go and I wrote examples of what they looked like, but she did this all by herself! She's been working on her M's and A's for a while now, but we have never tried just writing her whole name.

And let's cheer for her, because 9 letters is a long name to write!

Daddy came over and showed Maddie how to write his name - she called out each letter as he was writing it down, too!