writer's lament

It's late and I'm tired, but seeing that technology has yet to develop a usb port that plugs into a mom's head and downloads all those thoughts and moments worth recording (and ones not worth it) - I'm forcing myself to sit and write for a few minutes before I spontaneously combust from lack of writing recently.

If you aren't a writer you probably don't get it.

When I'm not writing - I'm depressed, anxious, grouchy and not a lot of fun to be around mostly. I fake it pretty well - but I always get to the point where I have to write or I'm going to explode. Mostly I write (or want to write) about the little things that happen in my day-to-day life. Sometimes I write to complain, or decompress or as a means of therapy. Those blogs typically don't show up here, though - they're too incriminating! I keep those private for the most part - a few (and I mean like two) people have access to those thoughts, but I hardly ever write there these days so they've moved on to other more consistent blogging friends who don't leave them hanging for weeks, months at a time.

Seeing that I haven't written in weeks really - I'm a mess.

Tonight I blew up at my husband for sending Wyatt to me to wipe off a booger. Why was this such a big deal you might ask? Surely a mother knows that part of her job description reads "must wipe boogers."

Well I'll tell you why - I was in the bathroom! I was having a few minutes to myself for the first time in the day and the last thing I wanted to do was lean across the room to open the door and wipe a disgusting booger off my son's finger!

I would say that most dads just don't know what it's like to never use the bathroom without an audience. Whether it's communal peeing (Wyatt still prefers the little potty) or conversations that just CAN'T wait until I get out - I honestly lose track of all the excuses. I tend not to lock the door because the screaming and banging is worse than the reason they needed to interrupt me in the first place.

So there I was sitting for a few moments, leafing through my brand new copy of Mother Earth News and I was offended as I listened to my husband tell my son to not only show me his booger (which he did and I told him it was gross and closed the door) - but to go back to mommy and ask her to wipe it off his finger! GRRRRR

I promise you if I'd have pulled the same prank on him if HE was on the toilet he would have been pissed! But was it ok for me to be offended and get upset? No!

In my fit of rage, upset I yelled at him and demanded if it was too much to ask to have 5 minutes uninterrupted to sit on the toilet BY MYSELF and not have to wipe boogers, answer questions, console hurt feelings, etc. I just wanted a few minutes to myself for crying out loud.

His response was not nice as he yelled at me to just leave since all I had been complaining about all day was that I needed some time away.

So this is how I get back to my writer's angst.

I had waited patiently all week for Sunday to come. Mike worked all day (and I mean ALL day yesterday). He left somewhere between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. and returned home at MIDNIGHT. He worked late several nights last week and I was hanging by a thin thread by this morning - I just needed some time by myself - a cup of coffee and free WIFI and a table and chair to sit in - so I could write and decompress. I needed these moments so I could return home refreshed and be a better mommy and wife.

So today dawned and Mike talked about wanting to go to Destin to see clients and the earlier the better. It still took us a good 2 hours to get out of the house and by the time we got to Destin with the kids and dog it was close to 1 p.m. and I wistfully considered that I would have been on my own if our day had gone the way I'd planned.

We had a nice lunch at Harry T's. We saw dolphins in the pass, the dog sat nicely, slept, drove us nuts because he couldn't sit still. My food was wonderful, tasty, hot, cold and not very good. I will never again order the tenderloin benedict - it was terrible! After the almost hour it took to get our food we ate and walked back to the truck in the rain...

The clients weren't at the boat although we were able to visit with a good friend of theirs.

We went to home depot where despite my husband's help, lack of help I managed to pick out lumber, get it cut, pick out plants and compost, etc - with both of my kids running around and wyatt throwing a terrible tantrum as I was checking out and the cashier putting the compost trash can on top of my broccoli plants and breaking half of them. Where was Mike? He was in the truck with the dog - because he didn't want to leave him alone in the truck.

Following the tantrum, I pushed my cart at Mike- who I had called while checking out - to bring the truck up to the door... I carried my screaming 3 year old on my hip as I went back and got non-broken broccoli plants and took them back to the truck - then walked all the way across the store to the bathroom where I helped both of them use the bathroom and then got a soda in the self checkout line and then we went home.

I took my frustrations out on my garden - wrestling the wooden pieces into a grid for my new square-foot garden bed - I pounded the nails into the timbers and ended up with 28, 1 ft squares. I planted some of the plants I purchased and interrupted my gardening to go put a diaper on wyatt because Mike was ignoring him when he was on the phone and I had asked Wyatt to ask him daddy to help since I was elbow deep in dirt and fish emulsion.

But mommy saved the day and quickly washed her hands and got the diaper on before there was an accident (more on potty training struggles later) - changed the diaper and finished the grid  - all before the booger-toilet incident.

Actually I forgot - before the toilet incident Maddie caught a frisbee point blank in the face (nose I think) and had a meltdown and then Wyatt started crying when I talked to him about not throwing the frisbee at his sister's head. We all piled into my bed to turn on a movie and calm down and Mike promptly fell asleep - at 6 p.m.!

I guess in a way I'm jealous because I never get to just fall asleep like that - the kids would never allow it. They'd be crawling on me or crying or whining or banging on the door. And I'm a little resentful that my husband fell asleep during our family movie moment and got an hour nap (would have been longer if i hadn't turned on the lights and demanded he get up and help me!).

Ok- so I know this post is whiney and negative - but I've had a crappy day and I set out to do some writing and this is just what came out.

yes - i know that I have A LOT to be thankful for - and I'm most thankful that I have two wonderful kids who drive me crazy and a husband who puts up with my moods and emotional outbursts. We're healthy and happy most of the time and have family who loves us a whole lot and then some.

Sometimes you just need to vent!