Getting it right... finally

It's taken us almost 7 years and three kids to find our groove as a family.

I'm not sure why, but I've always balked at following a routine or schedule. A free spirit - I prefer to float aimlessly through life. Sadly - it's not always an option when you're deep in the trenches of motherhood and your little ones need structure.

My years as a mother have been fraught with stress over not being a good housekeeper - my laundry is always out of control and my house feels cluttered and overwhelming on a daily basis. I've cleaned out, gotten rid of and re-organized the spaces in my house so many times I've lost count.

The addition of a third little one to our family has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my domestic status. I'm tired of being a slave to my house and dare I say a slave to my (older) children. I've grown tired of picking up after them when they are capable of picking up their own toys. I'm over asking them to do or not to do things over and over and over and over.

So 2012 is the year I get my house and my life in order!

I ended 2011 by deciding to let go of a few things in my life. The hardest decision I had to make was to put homeschooling on hold and send Maddie to first grade. I love having her at home - I love Classical Conversations and teaching her myself. What I didn't love was the fact that she was disrespectful and obstinate about reading and writing. We could sit and do math all day long but when it came to reading we hit a wall. She could read, but she wasn't progressing in my opinion. A perfectionist like her mother, she would hit a word she didn't instinctually know and stop. Asking her to sound it out was futile because she would rather die than do that! This led to a lot of frustration for both of us.

It's been a rough transition for all of us. The first day was great. She was excited and came home so happy. The second morning and every morning since then there have been tears and begging. However she comes home every day and tells me that it was better than the day before. If she wasn't coming home happy I would pull her out in an instant. But I know it's just as hard for her to leave mommy as it is for me to send her to another person for schooling. I miss her. I miss her help with Maris, too.

But there's also this part of me that loves having the two older ones in school. It's so nice to have peace and quiet during the day. I'm actually getting chores done early enough to find time for ME. This is something that hasn't been a priority really, nor a reality.

The biggest benefit of Maddie going to school though, has been the forced routine and organization. I have to get up early in order to make sure she has a good breakfast, her lunch is made, folder in her bag and get her to school on time. The mornings of Wyatt waking up at 8:30 and racing to get ready for preschool are over because he wakes up early with his sister. We are finally finding a rhythm and routine in our family.

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Tonight I'm going to bed with an empty sink and a decent amount of clean laundry. My kitchen isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but I can work on it some more tomorrow. My floors need to be swept, but I can do that tomorrow as well.

The house seems to be staying cleaner with the older kids both in school - and that's a huge sigh of relief for me :)

Another unexpected benefit is for my laundry basket: Maddie isn't constantly changing her clothes all day as she was when she was at home!

So little by little I'm finding my groove. We've got a rhythm that will only get more defined as the weeks go by. I miss my little girl and boy while they are at school, but I swear I'm a calmer, nicer mom now when they are home.

It's what works best for our family at this time in our life - and that's ok.

The connection of mothers in times of grief

As a mother my heart is broken for Taylor's mom. I find that - like several of my friends- I burst into tears or feel my eyes well up at just the littlest things right now. I purposely avoid driving down Hwy. 20 where Taylor's name is spelled out in cups on the chain link fence - balloons and flowers threaded through the metal maze. 

None of us knew him - or even his parents - but the grief of a parent is powerful and the mere thought of losing a child - on a day when you're not remembering the person who has recently lost theirs - is enough to bring me to tears. Add that to the reality of what happened this weekend and it's a little too close - and it is a reality for his parents. 

My mom friends and I talk about it - it's part of every conversation. We wonder how his parents will manage - how will they cope? What will they do? Will they stay in this community or leave in the hopes of not being reminded every waking moment that their son is gone?

I talked to Maddie's teacher tonight and she'd just returned from his parent's house. She said the football team is embracing his parents - spending as much time with them as possible. The boys who live across the street visit and eat dessert with them every night. They've been overwhelmed with the love and support of a community.

When I first asked if I could bring a meal to Maddie's teacher - she said it would be great - but then I offered meals for a week and she said it wasn't necessary. I begged her to reconsider - promising it would be a blessing she needed for her and her family. I am reminded of all the meals brought to us when I was on bedrest with Wyatt - at least 6 weeks of meals every other night... My MOPS group kept us fed and even let Maddie go to MOPS without me. Women from the ladies Bible study came and cared for Maddie during the day so I didn't have to worry about being home alone with her. We were blessed by the love of our church family - and by my family who was there no matter what we needed. 

Talking to Ms. L. tonight she said one of the church pastors said that she was just going to have to accept people's offer to help. 

You see we get so determined and proud - we don't need help - don't need a handout - charity.

But what we forget is that for the people doing the act of service - it's not done out of obligation, but love  - and because it makes us feel like we're helping in some small way.

The community doesn't know what to do with its grief - hundreds of mothers are mourning along with Taylor's mom - weeping and wailing over the loss of a son. Fathers are mourning with his father - in their own sometimes emotional, sometimes stoic ways.

One of my good friends told me she didn't know how I went to the service yesterday - and to be honest I don't know how I did it either. I went because it felt right - and I knew that in a small way I was helping the family - even if it was just to open the door a hundred times and help people find a place to sit. 

The process of grief and life after a tragic death (or any death really) is slow - and hard. There are steps forward and steps back. After the uncontrollable weeping subsides you're numb - just going through the motions, but not processing life at the moment. I can't remember what happens after that, but I know the anger will come.

The first time you're alone is terrible - the house is quiet - whatever noises you once took for granted - like the sound of my grandfather snoring in his bed - are missing and new noises are heard. And then there's the silence - so loud it's deafening.

 Shadows of movement - figures of your imagination are playing tricks on you constantly and you question whether it's really real - this idea of your loved one being dead. 

Even though I'm a Christian I believe that some people are very sensitive to the spirit world - I've seen spirits or what i have always called shadows -  all my life in fact. So maybe those shadows are a loved ones spirit just checking in to make sure things are alright. It's still unnerving  - whether it's your mind playing a trick or the real thing.

It's only time and God's grace that heals the hurts. I remember the day my grandfather died - like it was yesterday. The last vision I have of him is still disturbing to me - his body - left on the floor where he fell - his soul already departed and his face blue as the fading night sky. 

I was haunted by that image for a long time - it still haunts me now if I dwell upon it too much. 

My prayers tonight for the Haugen family and the people who were there with them when Taylor died is for those images - that final scene - to be replaced with something more beautiful and happy - something that will glorify Taylor in their mind instead of bring sorrow.

Or maybe it would be nice for their minds to be blank as they slip into slumber - and may their sleep be peaceful and restful so they can rise and face the day strong and resilient tomorrow.

I love you.