The connection of mothers in times of grief

As a mother my heart is broken for Taylor's mom. I find that - like several of my friends- I burst into tears or feel my eyes well up at just the littlest things right now. I purposely avoid driving down Hwy. 20 where Taylor's name is spelled out in cups on the chain link fence - balloons and flowers threaded through the metal maze. 

None of us knew him - or even his parents - but the grief of a parent is powerful and the mere thought of losing a child - on a day when you're not remembering the person who has recently lost theirs - is enough to bring me to tears. Add that to the reality of what happened this weekend and it's a little too close - and it is a reality for his parents. 

My mom friends and I talk about it - it's part of every conversation. We wonder how his parents will manage - how will they cope? What will they do? Will they stay in this community or leave in the hopes of not being reminded every waking moment that their son is gone?

I talked to Maddie's teacher tonight and she'd just returned from his parent's house. She said the football team is embracing his parents - spending as much time with them as possible. The boys who live across the street visit and eat dessert with them every night. They've been overwhelmed with the love and support of a community.

When I first asked if I could bring a meal to Maddie's teacher - she said it would be great - but then I offered meals for a week and she said it wasn't necessary. I begged her to reconsider - promising it would be a blessing she needed for her and her family. I am reminded of all the meals brought to us when I was on bedrest with Wyatt - at least 6 weeks of meals every other night... My MOPS group kept us fed and even let Maddie go to MOPS without me. Women from the ladies Bible study came and cared for Maddie during the day so I didn't have to worry about being home alone with her. We were blessed by the love of our church family - and by my family who was there no matter what we needed. 

Talking to Ms. L. tonight she said one of the church pastors said that she was just going to have to accept people's offer to help. 

You see we get so determined and proud - we don't need help - don't need a handout - charity.

But what we forget is that for the people doing the act of service - it's not done out of obligation, but love  - and because it makes us feel like we're helping in some small way.

The community doesn't know what to do with its grief - hundreds of mothers are mourning along with Taylor's mom - weeping and wailing over the loss of a son. Fathers are mourning with his father - in their own sometimes emotional, sometimes stoic ways.

One of my good friends told me she didn't know how I went to the service yesterday - and to be honest I don't know how I did it either. I went because it felt right - and I knew that in a small way I was helping the family - even if it was just to open the door a hundred times and help people find a place to sit. 

The process of grief and life after a tragic death (or any death really) is slow - and hard. There are steps forward and steps back. After the uncontrollable weeping subsides you're numb - just going through the motions, but not processing life at the moment. I can't remember what happens after that, but I know the anger will come.

The first time you're alone is terrible - the house is quiet - whatever noises you once took for granted - like the sound of my grandfather snoring in his bed - are missing and new noises are heard. And then there's the silence - so loud it's deafening.

 Shadows of movement - figures of your imagination are playing tricks on you constantly and you question whether it's really real - this idea of your loved one being dead. 

Even though I'm a Christian I believe that some people are very sensitive to the spirit world - I've seen spirits or what i have always called shadows -  all my life in fact. So maybe those shadows are a loved ones spirit just checking in to make sure things are alright. It's still unnerving  - whether it's your mind playing a trick or the real thing.

It's only time and God's grace that heals the hurts. I remember the day my grandfather died - like it was yesterday. The last vision I have of him is still disturbing to me - his body - left on the floor where he fell - his soul already departed and his face blue as the fading night sky. 

I was haunted by that image for a long time - it still haunts me now if I dwell upon it too much. 

My prayers tonight for the Haugen family and the people who were there with them when Taylor died is for those images - that final scene - to be replaced with something more beautiful and happy - something that will glorify Taylor in their mind instead of bring sorrow.

Or maybe it would be nice for their minds to be blank as they slip into slumber - and may their sleep be peaceful and restful so they can rise and face the day strong and resilient tomorrow.

I love you.

Wyatt, 20 months old today

It's hard to believe but my little boy  is 20 months old today! I can't believe that in just 4 short months he'll be 2 years old! He's still very much my baby, but at the same time so independent and every bit the crazy toddler.

I was taking some silly pictures tonight - with the laptop. He sure is a little ham! 

It was a long and rough afternoon - I went to Taylor's service - which was phenomenal. Pastor Ausley amazes me - he is so blessed by God with the right words. Chris Cadenhead performed a song called "love them like Jesus" - and while he maintained composure - no one else did. I prayed for him before he started singing - knowing how hard it was going to be for him to get through the song. I kept myself busy greeting people - directly them to the overflow seating (which reached capacity as well...) I think there were close to 2,000 people in attendance. I also helped with the reception before finally leaving at 6 p.m. I had arrived right at 1:30 p.m. Pastor Ausley told me before I left that he has never been more proud of the people in our church than today - how many came and served, ministering to so many in so many ways - from directing traffic, driving shuttles, helping greet and direct the masses - preparing the reception and the list goes on and on. 

Returning home - I cuddled up with my little ones. Life is just too short to worry about whether I scrubbed the toilet this week - or if I unloaded the dishwasher first thing in the morning. I may not have the most tidy house - but my kids are loved and they know how much I love them. We play - go on outings, we pray together - read scriptures together - we go to church where we are encouraged to live our lives for Christ - those are the things that are important - not if I swept the floor....

So here are pictures of my little guy today on his 20 month birthday. He got his halloween costume in the mail today. Yes - I've already thought about that - much to the thanks of his grandmomma paula - she helps me stay organized for the holidays. We've already started talking about how we need to look for their Christmas outfits NOW!

So Mr. Wyatt is going to be a cowboy - in fact maybe I'll tell people that he's going to be Wyatt Earp! He looked so cute in his costume - and he was quite full of himself in that hat! I need to find him a pair of boots (I'll have to ask my girlfriend angel what size the ones her daughter wore last year... they're red, so they'd work just fine if they are the right size). 

Maddie got a costume, too - a ballerina one! However I've put it up and out of sight because I'd like it to still be "new" when halloween comes around - If I let her have it now it might be stained or damaged by the big night! She has plenty of dress-up stuff between now and then anyways!

Wyatt and Mommy tonight! Sleepy boy!

This kid has some crazy talent! 

He likes to make us laugh by

sticking two pacis in his mouth at the same time!

Just call me Wyatt Earp!

Mike says it's time to cut his hair, but I'm not ready!

Someone called him a girl this weekend - Mike was NOT happy!

He's got such a cute little smile!

Thoughts on the hometown tragedy

How quickly life goes from one extreme to another. 

A parent's excitement to see their son play a game he loves ends in a tragic death and a family and community numb from shock and sick with grief. 

I woke up yesterday morning dreading my call to sing in the band at church. I dreaded it because I tend to be a very sensitive person when it comes to the pain and grief of others who are hurting. I knew that once I looked at the anguished faces I would not be able to hold myself composed.

Emails from band members let me know that we would be changing the song set and I drew a hot bath so I could spend time in prayer and in my scriptures. As I poured out my heart to God  - pouring out my sorrows and grief for this family and our community - I was overcome with such pain and sadness - putting myself in the position of a mother who lost her only son - her only child - and the tears just wouldn't stop coming.

Eventually I pulled myself together and managed to get my hair to cooperate and make-up disguised some of the darkness under my eyes.

We came together before the service - as we always do - and all was fine until members from the choir - people I know to be close to this family - came into the room - their faces red and puffy and the tears flowing freely.

I lost it at that point - and it was only the rehearsal.

Then as we gathered in prayer and the band leader prayed so fervently for their family and all those touched by this tragedy and spoke how we were all parents and the thought of losing a child is so horrific.

We prayed for the boys who tackled Taylor - to give them peace and closure - and to touch them with God's grace and not Satan's guilt. 

Composure came once again - but disappeared the minute our head pastor addressed the congregation. He explained that some things people say during a time like this can be very hurtful and that saying it was God's will or it happened for a reason was not true.

Sometimes bad things just happen and it was not something that God caused or wanted or planned. It was just a tragic event.

He reminded us that the Bible says that in all things God works for the good of those who love him - but that that verse doesn't mean that God wanted this to happen. 

I believe that good will eventually be found in this tragedy - whether it's one teenager finding christ through this tragedy or many - I know that the life Taylor lives is a testimony to the love of Christ and lives will be changed because of his commitment to being a Christian and follower of Christ. 

This tragedy has affected so many - down to even my little girl. Yesterday she remarked to me that Miss Sophie, her sunday school teacher was sad and left to go to church. Sophie is a high school student who is amazing with the little kids. She felt the need to be with her friends in the youth group yesterday - but her absence caused my sensitive little girl to ask questions.

And questions deserve answers - but how do you explain to a three year old that a boy has died? 

I explained it the only way I could - with the truth. I was very honest with her about what happened - explaining it in terms that hopefully she can understand. We talked about how sad his mommy and daddy are right now and that when he died he went to heaven to live with Jesus and that one day he'll see his mom and dad again - but not for a long time. 

She seemed satisfied with my answers - asking a lot of question about him getting hurt very badly. 

Even her preschool teacher - and class are affected. Ms. Kathy - Taylor's mom - is the classroom assistant (co-teacher) in one of the classes across the hall from Maddie's room. Ms. LaVina is best friends with Ms. Kathy and sent an email out explaining that she would be taking the week off to be with her friend and their families. Her son was best friends with Taylor.

Our church and community has gathered around these people who are grieving - offering them love and support and whatever help they need.

The only thing I can think of to do at this time is to help Ms. LaVina and her family by arranging some meals so they don't have to worry about cooking... it's a small thing, but I know it will be appreciated.

Tomorrow is the service - it will be immense - and hopefully a wonderful celebration of Taylor's short, but full life.

I'll be in the audience - instead of on the stage - My heart can't bear to see the faces of sadness again. There was one man in the front row on Sunday - in his 60s or 70s I'd say - openly sobbing.

My heart is full of sorrow - but I trust God to give us hope and joy as we continue on in our lives - 

Families and loss of life

It's loss of life that starts me thinking about how stupid it is for family squabbles to persist for months and years.

Earlier this week we found out that one of Mike's friends from high school had lost his mother unexpectedly to a brain aneurism. 

Then this afternoon my brother - who is a junior in high school - called to tell me about a boy on the local football team who died as a result of injuries sustained during last night's big football game. Taylor Haugen, a sophomore,  was an upstanding young man in our community and active at our church - FUMC-Niceville. His parents are very active at our church and once I looked in the church pictoral directory I was struck with even more sadness - realizing that I see them several times a week during church activities.  Area teenagers were able to attend a service this afternoon to honor and pay tribute to the young man's life.

How quickly life can be taken - when no one expects it. I can only imagine the anguish this young man's family is feeling right now  - my prayers and thoughts are with them. I'm also praying for the young men and women who witnessed the injury last night and who knew him personally - grief can do crazy things during the teenage years. 

The family who lost their mother unexpectedly is also in our prayers and we are encouraged knowing that she was a follower of Jesus Christ and is now in heaven watching over her loved ones.

But all this really makes me think about is how short life can really be - and how silly it is to hold grudges, cast out friends and family due to differences and how un-christlike it is to not forgive and move on - remaining a family.

"We tried reconciling, but it didn't work" one might say.

Well maybe you didn't try hard enough - maybe your heart wasn't in the right place. Maybe your expectations were too high or too low. 

Maybe you didn't have all the information or someone within your midst was feeding you lies that you took as truth?

Whatever the reason - you should never give up and you should never let differences separate you from the people you love - and you should never stop loving your family members.

Maybe you don't understand why they did what they did - and sometimes you don't have to.

But we can all use a dose of humility and we should all be open to change. 

"Here's to the strong; thanks to the brave.
Don't give up hope: some people change.
Against all odds, against the grain,
Love finds a way: some people change.

Thank God for those who make it:
Let them be the Light. "

(Some People Change by Montgomery Gentry).

What gets me are the people who profess to be Christians - who even quote scripture but spew hate and indifference in their lives. It's as if those people consider some to be outside the realm of Christ's forgiveness - it doesn't apply to all in their lives, only the ones they feel like forgiving and loving.

And even when lives are severed by choice or force - when the ties that bind are separated - life still keeps dancing us closely to each other - skirting paths that might one day cross.

Regret is an awful feeling - it poisons your soul.

You can only do what is possible within your realm of control - you can't force someone to accept you or love you.

People make mistakes - we all screw up - we all do and say things and treat people badly - even us who profess to follow Christ.

But the great thing about being a follower of Jesus Christ is the grace and mercy he offers and teaches us to offer others who cause us grief and pain and sadness and anger.

May God's mercy, love, grace and forgiveness touch you and those around you whom you have been separated from.

It's never to late to say you're sorry and it's never too hard to just pick up and start over. Love abounds for us all.