Sometimes I look at my son and my daughter and wonder what they will be like when they grow up. Will they be kind, compassionate, empathetic?
I want so much for both of them and feel a tremendous burden of responsibility to teach them as much as I can about the world and relationships - because one day I know they will leave their parents and cleave to their spouse - starting their own journey in life.
My son, Wyatt, is empathetic, he is kind and loving. I want him to grow up knowing how to treat a girl - whether she's his friend or something more one day. I want him to treasure and protect his love one day.
For my daughter, Maddie, I desire her to be confident in who she is as a young woman - knowing that her Father in Heaven loves her more than anything. I want her life to be full of love so she doesn't go looking for that love and admiration from other people and things. I want her to expect to be loved and treasured and protected by whoever God has chosen for her to marry one day.
Recently I bought a book for Maddie at the Christian bookstore. It was about a princess and three knights (that's actually the title) and the artwork was beautiful. I sat on the floor in the store and read it to her and found myself tearing up as I read it to her.
The father of the princess is choosing a husband for his daughter and he wants him to have all the right qualities - but more than anything he wants a man who will cherish and love his daughter for her internal beauty and not just her physical beauty.
In the end it is the knight who refuses to put the princess in danger - saying that he loves her and would never take her anywhere near the cliff - who wins the heart of the girl and her father. He cherishes and treasures her for the rest of their lives - always protecting her.
Today at lunch Wyatt told me that he is going to protect his little girlfriend - "Mama, I'm going to protect Nicole when I grow up."
My mind raced forward 20 years thinking of who he will be as a young man and I know that my little boy is going to grow up to be a young man who cherishes, treasures and protects his love.
I hope that in some way he will grow up learning how to be a Godly man and one day the spiritual head of his household. I pray that he will continue to offer such beautiful, insightful prayers as he grows and that his walk with God and Jesus will continue always.
I pray that Maddie will grow into a young woman who loves Jesus. I hope she will never settle for less than what she deserves - a young man who cherishes, treasures and protects her just like her Heavenly Father does.
These things weigh heavily on my heart. Sometimes the burden of shaping children - leading them towards the adults they one day will be - overwhelms me. I see bright moments - breakthroughs - and it carries me through the darker times when I feel discouraged.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, November 21, 2010
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Saturday, October 9, 2010
Camping - It was fun while it lasted...
It was a good idea - while it lasted, that is.
Growing up in England and Montana - I camped a lot. Naturally I want to share this experience with my little family. Now I'm not ready to go into the Bob Marshall Wilderness with them - but I thought it might be fun to do a trial night in my parent's backyard. We were going to practice camping, that is.
Apparently we need a lot more practice!
Overall things went well - we set up the tent quickly and moved in with our inflatable air mattress, blankets and pillows. The kids had a blast playing in the tent through the afternoon and early evening. For dinner we roasted hot dogs over the campfire I built and nurtured in my parent's outdoor fireplace. I roasted some ears of corn and baked some amazing melt-in-your-mouth potatoes. For the grown-ups I grilled ribeyes (we were really roughing it!). The kids had a blast eating the hot dogs on their roasting sticks and the adults moved inside (mosquitoes were getting bad) and enjoyed their meal. After dinner we roasted marshmallows although I was the only one besides my mom who ate any. Maddie enjoyed cooking them, but then refused to eat any!
Mike came by after his fishing trip and enjoyed a steak and potato while I fussed over the nasty bite on his leg - from a wahoo (fish). The kids had baths and were relaxed and ready for bed so we made our way out to the tent after a rousing game of finding batteries for the flashlight (rolls eyes).
We got out into the tent and I noticed that the air mattresswas deflated considerably a little low. Being the Girl Scout that I am not I had planned head and ran an extension cord out to the tent so I could adjust the mattress if needed. I added some air and the kids piled on for bedtime stories.
Wyatt immediately started complaining that he didn't like the tent and wanted to go inside and sleep with Mimi. I made it through two stories and he was relentless so I unzipped the door, padded back inside and begged my mom to let him sleep inside. I think he would have just come inside on his own if I didn't try to plea on his behalf - he was determined not to sleep outside. Ten minutes later he was asleep in her bed.
Maddie and I chatted for a while about the stars and other silly things that people discuss late at night under the stars. As she prattled on I could feel the air seeping out of the mattress as my body seemed to drift lower and lower. I must have fallen asleep eventually - Maddie was snoring quite loudly and the dewpoint had been reached as everything in the tent was damp.
Instead of up high on the mattress we were rather engulfed in it and I decided that the tent was a lost cause at the same moment Maddie awoke and exclaimed that she had to pee NOW.
I gathered up our pillows and blankets and somehow managed to get both of our shoes on and the door unzipped and rezipped and she raced into the house - only to race back to where I was trying to walk and not drop anything on the ground - because she couldn't open the door. I don't think she was really awake honestly!
Crisis averted I helped her to the bathroom then explained to my mom our dire situation with the mattress. We devised a sleeping plan that included leaving my dad in the spare room (where he retired after losing his side of the bed to Wyatt) and moving Wyatt to my sister's bed and putting Maddie in with my mom. Unfortunately this puts poor Natalie on the couch, but she'll stay up watching her Anime movies until who knows when so she typically doesn't mind terribly. I moved her pillows and blankets and wrote her a cute note from Wyatt explaining our dilemma and left her a piece of chocolate.
So now I'm inside (actually relieved at the moment) where I'm swatting at imaginary bugs because my skin is crawling and itchy. I'm also now (not thankfully at all) experiencing the allergies that everyone has been complaining about that I've smugly avoided until my brief stint in the backyard "camping." Thankfully my mom gave me a zyrtec and I'll be less itchy in the morning.
So hopefully the next adventure will be more successful - only time will tell.
At least we tried, right? I'd much rather pack up and come inside my parents house than have to pack up camp at 1 a.m. and go home!
Growing up in England and Montana - I camped a lot. Naturally I want to share this experience with my little family. Now I'm not ready to go into the Bob Marshall Wilderness with them - but I thought it might be fun to do a trial night in my parent's backyard. We were going to practice camping, that is.
Apparently we need a lot more practice!
Overall things went well - we set up the tent quickly and moved in with our inflatable air mattress, blankets and pillows. The kids had a blast playing in the tent through the afternoon and early evening. For dinner we roasted hot dogs over the campfire I built and nurtured in my parent's outdoor fireplace. I roasted some ears of corn and baked some amazing melt-in-your-mouth potatoes. For the grown-ups I grilled ribeyes (we were really roughing it!). The kids had a blast eating the hot dogs on their roasting sticks and the adults moved inside (mosquitoes were getting bad) and enjoyed their meal. After dinner we roasted marshmallows although I was the only one besides my mom who ate any. Maddie enjoyed cooking them, but then refused to eat any!
Mike came by after his fishing trip and enjoyed a steak and potato while I fussed over the nasty bite on his leg - from a wahoo (fish). The kids had baths and were relaxed and ready for bed so we made our way out to the tent after a rousing game of finding batteries for the flashlight (rolls eyes).
We got out into the tent and I noticed that the air mattress
Wyatt immediately started complaining that he didn't like the tent and wanted to go inside and sleep with Mimi. I made it through two stories and he was relentless so I unzipped the door, padded back inside and begged my mom to let him sleep inside. I think he would have just come inside on his own if I didn't try to plea on his behalf - he was determined not to sleep outside. Ten minutes later he was asleep in her bed.
Maddie and I chatted for a while about the stars and other silly things that people discuss late at night under the stars. As she prattled on I could feel the air seeping out of the mattress as my body seemed to drift lower and lower. I must have fallen asleep eventually - Maddie was snoring quite loudly and the dewpoint had been reached as everything in the tent was damp.
Instead of up high on the mattress we were rather engulfed in it and I decided that the tent was a lost cause at the same moment Maddie awoke and exclaimed that she had to pee NOW.
I gathered up our pillows and blankets and somehow managed to get both of our shoes on and the door unzipped and rezipped and she raced into the house - only to race back to where I was trying to walk and not drop anything on the ground - because she couldn't open the door. I don't think she was really awake honestly!
Crisis averted I helped her to the bathroom then explained to my mom our dire situation with the mattress. We devised a sleeping plan that included leaving my dad in the spare room (where he retired after losing his side of the bed to Wyatt) and moving Wyatt to my sister's bed and putting Maddie in with my mom. Unfortunately this puts poor Natalie on the couch, but she'll stay up watching her Anime movies until who knows when so she typically doesn't mind terribly. I moved her pillows and blankets and wrote her a cute note from Wyatt explaining our dilemma and left her a piece of chocolate.
So now I'm inside (actually relieved at the moment) where I'm swatting at imaginary bugs because my skin is crawling and itchy. I'm also now (not thankfully at all) experiencing the allergies that everyone has been complaining about that I've smugly avoided until my brief stint in the backyard "camping." Thankfully my mom gave me a zyrtec and I'll be less itchy in the morning.
So hopefully the next adventure will be more successful - only time will tell.
At least we tried, right? I'd much rather pack up and come inside my parents house than have to pack up camp at 1 a.m. and go home!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Siren Call
Where to start - that's the question I'm always faced with when I give in to the writer's block I am dealing with on a daily basis. It's not that I don't want to write or that I have nothing to write about - rather it's the opposite - there are so many things I want to write about and ponder - but I'm choosing to not write and here I am months later depressed at the lack of writing and feeling rather like I'm going to implode if I don't start writing again.
Every year around the time of Fall - or Indian Summer - I get melancholy for the mountains - Montana - specifically. It's been 13 years since I left my home state - with my family. We've never been back. I am pining for the mountains, the prairies - for Monarch and Neihart - for Memorial Falls - for the view from the back porch of our house. I miss the bluffs of the Missouri river - the Giant Springs park and the monstrous falls of my town's namesake : Great Falls.
I feel trapped in Florida. I love my husband and my kids and my family - and I have a few very dear friends here - but there's nothing else that keeps me wanting to stay here. Maybe it's just my eternal wanderlust - but I want to be elsewhere.
Go ahead and judge me but I hate the South. All I see here is intolerance and judgement. I'm not ignorant - I know that those things exist everywhere - it just seems to me that they exist even more HERE in the South than other parts of the country where I've lived (and I've lived in several places of our great country, plus abroad for 6 years of my life!). I've seen lots of positive things here as well - but it's hard to keep seeing the beauty when you're seeing so much ugly.
It's possible that I'm just burned out - on people, on heat, humidity and the lack of elevation - the constant barrage of mosquitoes, the oil spill, the days upon days without a break of silence and time for myself.
I went to the beach last night with Wyatt. Just me and him - we took a blanket and a frisbee and went to watch the sun dip into the water. It was pretty and as the light waned and the temperature dropped I found a brief moment of quiet as Wyatt was happily playing in the sand and I wrote in my journal in the first time in forever. We were almost alone on the beach - there was a couple probably several hundred feet away. And then a large family came down the beach access and plopped their stuff just feet away from me. I mean they had the whole beach - why did they have to interrupt my little bit of solitude? When the woman started taking pictures (it was dark out!) with her larger than life flash - I found myself increasingly irritated as the night sky was lit up over and over by something that was no act of nature. We packed up and left.
So where does all this leave me? I'm not sure. The kids and I are packing up and heading to the mountains in TN in a week or two (once maddie's arm is healed). Mike can't come because he's trying to recap lost fishing money now that snapper season is open on the weekends.
I had a small meltdown last night when I told him I thought I needed a break and wanted to take a trip by myself somewhere in November. I'm debating between going to MT or Seattle where my good friend lives. I'm leaning towards Seattle because she's a kindred spirit and she gets what my issues are! She understands completely and it would be great to spend some time with her (and meet her newest little one).
The mountains call to my soul and I've been burying their song in the depths of my heart for too long. It's like a siren call - I need to go.
Every year around the time of Fall - or Indian Summer - I get melancholy for the mountains - Montana - specifically. It's been 13 years since I left my home state - with my family. We've never been back. I am pining for the mountains, the prairies - for Monarch and Neihart - for Memorial Falls - for the view from the back porch of our house. I miss the bluffs of the Missouri river - the Giant Springs park and the monstrous falls of my town's namesake : Great Falls.
I feel trapped in Florida. I love my husband and my kids and my family - and I have a few very dear friends here - but there's nothing else that keeps me wanting to stay here. Maybe it's just my eternal wanderlust - but I want to be elsewhere.
Go ahead and judge me but I hate the South. All I see here is intolerance and judgement. I'm not ignorant - I know that those things exist everywhere - it just seems to me that they exist even more HERE in the South than other parts of the country where I've lived (and I've lived in several places of our great country, plus abroad for 6 years of my life!). I've seen lots of positive things here as well - but it's hard to keep seeing the beauty when you're seeing so much ugly.
It's possible that I'm just burned out - on people, on heat, humidity and the lack of elevation - the constant barrage of mosquitoes, the oil spill, the days upon days without a break of silence and time for myself.
I went to the beach last night with Wyatt. Just me and him - we took a blanket and a frisbee and went to watch the sun dip into the water. It was pretty and as the light waned and the temperature dropped I found a brief moment of quiet as Wyatt was happily playing in the sand and I wrote in my journal in the first time in forever. We were almost alone on the beach - there was a couple probably several hundred feet away. And then a large family came down the beach access and plopped their stuff just feet away from me. I mean they had the whole beach - why did they have to interrupt my little bit of solitude? When the woman started taking pictures (it was dark out!) with her larger than life flash - I found myself increasingly irritated as the night sky was lit up over and over by something that was no act of nature. We packed up and left.
So where does all this leave me? I'm not sure. The kids and I are packing up and heading to the mountains in TN in a week or two (once maddie's arm is healed). Mike can't come because he's trying to recap lost fishing money now that snapper season is open on the weekends.
I had a small meltdown last night when I told him I thought I needed a break and wanted to take a trip by myself somewhere in November. I'm debating between going to MT or Seattle where my good friend lives. I'm leaning towards Seattle because she's a kindred spirit and she gets what my issues are! She understands completely and it would be great to spend some time with her (and meet her newest little one).
The mountains call to my soul and I've been burying their song in the depths of my heart for too long. It's like a siren call - I need to go.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
scattered thoughts.
I haven't written in months because I'm not quite sure how to get all the thoughts from my mind to come out in a clear and coherent manner.
Over the years I've really tried hard to be an optimist - to see the good in things and people. I've given second, third and even fourth chances only to be let down continually. All in the name of being optimistic.
Well these days I'm forced to be a realist - and unfortunately that means that I have to consider the negatives and weigh them carefully.
We're just one family affected by the oil crisis in the Gulf - but it's going to change our lives and I can't quite wrap my head around it all just yet.
We're forced to consider our options and they aren't very pretty if we're talking about where we are at the moment.
Now where's my bottle of xanex?
Over the years I've really tried hard to be an optimist - to see the good in things and people. I've given second, third and even fourth chances only to be let down continually. All in the name of being optimistic.
Well these days I'm forced to be a realist - and unfortunately that means that I have to consider the negatives and weigh them carefully.
We're just one family affected by the oil crisis in the Gulf - but it's going to change our lives and I can't quite wrap my head around it all just yet.
We're forced to consider our options and they aren't very pretty if we're talking about where we are at the moment.
Now where's my bottle of xanex?
Monday, April 5, 2010
A girl and her Garden
There are few places in my life where I feel organized and in control. The constant ebb and flow and ins and outs of life with two very active preschoolers and a dog who is acting more and more like a teenager every day - creates a state of constant chaos inside the house and often in the yard as well.
There is, however, a space that is mine and mine alone (ok, maybe the squirrels can still get in).
A green fence outlines the perimeter of my garden sanctuary - keeping children, chickens and the dog out. It's an invitation-only kind of place - as there is no gate and a child must be lifted over to enter into my space. Every morning before my children wake and before the sun blazes overhead - I wander out to the garden in my pajamas and work a little here and there - there is always something that needs to be done.
I find satisfaction in the neat rows and grids in the different garden beds - five in all now. I find peace and harmony as I sow seeds, pull weeks and lovingly hand water each seedling and plant.
My garden doesn't talk back - tell me it's mad at me or that it wants candy for every meal of the day.
In the time it is now - spring-almost-summer, the bugs are not waging war just yet and I can see the daily progress of my plants growth as the pea shoots are starting to grab the fencing and I'm hoping to see seedlings emerge around the teepee trellis I built.
One of the things I love about the garden is that it's mostly all my work. Mike helped me build three of the beds and fill them with soil - but since then it's been my work and one of my personal glories.
Radishes, broccoli, tomatoes, peppers, sage, peppermints, basils, tarragon, lettuces, spinach, bee balm, carrots, cabbage, onions, shallots, peas, potatoes, asparagus, fennel, and many types of flowers - all are found growing in my garden.
Pictures will come eventually - but it's better seen in person.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Ten on Tuesday
I've recently reconnected with my past Speech and Debate Coach Elizabeth Dillow (from Great Falls High School). She keeps a pretty neat blog and one thing I really like about it is she does this list every Tuesday - called "Ten on Tuesday." She lists 10 things about the week, her family, etc - maybe includes a picture of her girls and posts it.
Many of my dedicated readers know that I've been struggling for the past year (ok 2) in my writing. Lots of excuses reasons that are really good bad mostly. So I'm adopting Elizabeth's 10 on Tuesday and making it my own to see if I can at least once a week post a list of 10 things going on in our life.
So here goes!
1. It's Spring Break for Maddie's preschool and we're trying to pack as much into our week as possible. Yesterday we knocked a bunch of stuff off our my to-do list. We paid our property taxes (OUCH!) and then had lunch at Hungry Howie's with my mom. We saw the chiropractor then came home so I could make dinner. I made some rocking shallot and rosemary focaccia with oven roasted sweet and white potatoes along with some country fried venison backstrap.
2. Wyatt is challenging me in ways that I don't think I experienced with Maddie. He has completely weaned (sob!) and since then has turned into a holy terror who tantrums, screams, yells at me and generally makes my days miserable off and on until he collapses in exhaustion. Everything is a battle suddenly and even the most simple thing is causing tantrums. He's challenging my gentle discipline philosophies like they've never been challenged before!
3. Mike and I harvested a truckload of FREE bamboo from my Felicia's backyard. This morning I built my first teepee trellis for beans this summer and I'm quite proud of myself! It's beautiful and everything was free or found growing in my backyard (saplings). I can't wait to see it covered with beautiful beans and peas - maybe a cucumber too.
4. Fishing season is starting and it looks like I won't see much of my husband this summer. That's good and bad - good for extra money, but bad because it always puts a strain on family life when Daddy is gone so much. We're trying to squeeze in as much fun as a family on weekends and nights as we can before he's working every weekend.
5. Getting a dog was a mistake. Apollo is a nice dog, but he's still a puppy and obedience training only goes so far when you don't have time to enforce it every second of the day. He steals toys and food, still gets up on the counters at times and I just don't understand the need to sit in the backyard and bark for hours - you'd think he'd lose his voice!
6. Wyatt and I found a worm this morning and put him in a jar with some compost and fruit scraps. He's enjoying watching it tunnel around the glass jar.
7. My garden is starting to take shape! The peas are up a few inches tall now and the potatoes are peeking out of the soil. I have two asparagus spears up and can't wait until next year when I can actually harvest them! I should probably plant more soon. My tomato plants have flowers and i'm hoping to see some tomato seeds sprout soon (i had to start over). I have volunteer potato plants in the backyard where the old compost pile was and I'm excited to say there are some baby potatoes on them! I can't wait to have new potatoes!
8. For the first time in 5 years my bed is not on the floor. I'm sick of our bedroom being the family dumping grounds and this weekend we cleaned it out and made it look halfway nice.
9. I'm taking the kids to see How to Train Your Dragon this afternoon and I think I'm as excited to see it as they are.
10. I love the Spring. I actually like getting up early before the kids are up - sitting at the table drinking my tea or coffee and listening to the birds sing. I built that trellis this morning before Maddie was ever even awake! I dread the coming heat and humidity of summer. For now I love being able to leave the doors and windows open.
Many of my dedicated readers know that I've been struggling for the past year (ok 2) in my writing. Lots of excuses reasons that are really good bad mostly. So I'm adopting Elizabeth's 10 on Tuesday and making it my own to see if I can at least once a week post a list of 10 things going on in our life.
So here goes!
1. It's Spring Break for Maddie's preschool and we're trying to pack as much into our week as possible. Yesterday we knocked a bunch of stuff off our my to-do list. We paid our property taxes (OUCH!) and then had lunch at Hungry Howie's with my mom. We saw the chiropractor then came home so I could make dinner. I made some rocking shallot and rosemary focaccia with oven roasted sweet and white potatoes along with some country fried venison backstrap.
2. Wyatt is challenging me in ways that I don't think I experienced with Maddie. He has completely weaned (sob!) and since then has turned into a holy terror who tantrums, screams, yells at me and generally makes my days miserable off and on until he collapses in exhaustion. Everything is a battle suddenly and even the most simple thing is causing tantrums. He's challenging my gentle discipline philosophies like they've never been challenged before!
3. Mike and I harvested a truckload of FREE bamboo from my Felicia's backyard. This morning I built my first teepee trellis for beans this summer and I'm quite proud of myself! It's beautiful and everything was free or found growing in my backyard (saplings). I can't wait to see it covered with beautiful beans and peas - maybe a cucumber too.
4. Fishing season is starting and it looks like I won't see much of my husband this summer. That's good and bad - good for extra money, but bad because it always puts a strain on family life when Daddy is gone so much. We're trying to squeeze in as much fun as a family on weekends and nights as we can before he's working every weekend.
5. Getting a dog was a mistake. Apollo is a nice dog, but he's still a puppy and obedience training only goes so far when you don't have time to enforce it every second of the day. He steals toys and food, still gets up on the counters at times and I just don't understand the need to sit in the backyard and bark for hours - you'd think he'd lose his voice!
6. Wyatt and I found a worm this morning and put him in a jar with some compost and fruit scraps. He's enjoying watching it tunnel around the glass jar.
7. My garden is starting to take shape! The peas are up a few inches tall now and the potatoes are peeking out of the soil. I have two asparagus spears up and can't wait until next year when I can actually harvest them! I should probably plant more soon. My tomato plants have flowers and i'm hoping to see some tomato seeds sprout soon (i had to start over). I have volunteer potato plants in the backyard where the old compost pile was and I'm excited to say there are some baby potatoes on them! I can't wait to have new potatoes!
8. For the first time in 5 years my bed is not on the floor. I'm sick of our bedroom being the family dumping grounds and this weekend we cleaned it out and made it look halfway nice.
9. I'm taking the kids to see How to Train Your Dragon this afternoon and I think I'm as excited to see it as they are.
10. I love the Spring. I actually like getting up early before the kids are up - sitting at the table drinking my tea or coffee and listening to the birds sing. I built that trellis this morning before Maddie was ever even awake! I dread the coming heat and humidity of summer. For now I love being able to leave the doors and windows open.
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