Happy Family

Whenever I stop writing I find that the guilt I experience because I haven't been writing - keeps me from writing!

So the easiest thing for me is to just start with the present and not obsess about what I missed...

So here goes!

Life is crazy, busy and amazing these days. Maris is 9 months, Maddie is 7 and Wyatt is 5 and they are some fabulous kids. I don't know if it's because I'm so much more comfortable in my parenting or if it's just because Maris is an easy baby - but I am enjoying her so very much. She is so incredibly funny and silly - she keeps us entertained all day long!

We've had a busy summer - almost 3 weeks down in South Florida with my folks, followed by a week with Mike's mom at the Emerald Grande in Destin. We've spent the rest of the summer hiding in the house from all the thunder storms. 

That's it for tonight - I'm tired... But it's a start, right???

Journey to a new birthing experience part 1

*I started writing this just a few hours before my water broke and my labor and birth experience started. It's been saved as a draft since then, but I'm publishing it because it's important to me to remember my thoughts*

Sometime last year I finally accepted and embraced the fact that we were going to be a two-child family. Maddie and Wyatt were 4 and 6 and life was falling into a rhythm of ease and comfort. We had talked about having a larger family, but between having no maternity insurance and not as much savings as we'd like - planning to have another child was not something on the horizon.

And then there was the whole fact that it had been 4 years and no birth control and plenty of moments when we weren't exactly careful. I began to feel that the infertility issues I experienced in conceiving Maddie were back.

I stopped tracking my cycles and just embraced life - not worrying about the details.

Until one day at the end of February when after a visit with my lovely chiropractor I went home and took a Dollar Tree home pregnancy test.

There were two lines...

I remember texting her my disbelief - she wasn't surprised though!

I can't remember if my kids were with me but I know I went to Wal-mart and purchased several (maybe 7?) pregnancy tests. I didn't trust the Dollar Tree test, even though I knew it was correct.

Thinking back - it might have been a Wednesday night and the kids were at AWANAs - because I remember them not being in the house. I showed the test to Mike and expecting the worst - received the biggest smile I've seen from him in a long time. He was excited! I was in shock.

One of the first phone calls I made was to a midwife, Vicki Taylor. She and I had developed a professional relationship and I knew without a doubt that I wanted her to be my midwife for this pregnancy.

My birth experiences with Maddie and Wyatt were pretty common - both were c-sections. Neither of the sections were for "good" reasons. In fact, I had an elective section with Maddie. I was uneducated and ill-informed. My own mother had only had c-sections so there was no birth culture in my family. Wyatt was a forced repeat section as the hospital where my OB delivered did not support VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section).

After Wyatt's birth - I started to educate myself on birth and breastfeeding. I had the breastfeeding part down - but I started to pursue becoming an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). One simply cannot learn about breastfeeding and not learn about birth in the process - the two are so closely connected!

As I explored the realm of normal childbirth I went through a range of emotions. I encountered criticism and harsh judgement from others who viewed my own birth choices as unacceptable. I literally went through the stages of grief as I processed my own births in light of what I was learning was normal.

Because I've had 2 prior c-sections - my birthing options are severely limited in the Florida Panhandle. My own OB referred me to someone else when I asked about a VBA2C. Another OB at another hospital quoted me some heinous uterine rupture "rates" that were no where close to what the studies actually say. I told her I had pretty much decided to use a midwife and stay at home - and she almost choked - telling me that I was crazy to even think about it. There is only one OB around here who would consider a VBAC after 2 sections - and he's my midwife's backup doctor. I knew that I didn't want to be in the hospital if I could avoid it, so it seemed a win-win situation to use Vicki as my care provider.

I knew I wanted something different - I wanted more from my care provider and more from my birth experience. I wanted to have someone listen to me and educate me about pregnancy and birth. I wanted someone who would palpate my belly and tell me what position the baby was in... I wanted a total immersion experience in my pregnancy. I wanted the midwifery model of care.

The different baby

By the time Maris joined our family - I felt like an experienced momma. Between breastfeeding and general mothering I was prepared to mother my little girl in full attachment parenting style - or my version of it.

Imagine my surprise to have a baby who doesn't "need" as much of that kind of mothering as my other two did...

Maris is a different baby in so many ways. I never expected her to be the same as Maddie and Wyatt - but I didn't expect her to be so different either.

For her first 6 weeks she never nursed for comfort. She would nurse, come off the breast and commence to screaming until she passed out from exhaustion. I didn't leave the house more than what was absolutely necessary. When she got upset in the car she would start throwing up. Twice she choked while doing this and it scared me to death.

As I tried to get to know this little soul - I noticed what I thought were symptoms of reflux. She seemed to always be bringing up fluid, but it was going back down instead of coming out as spit up. There were times when she spit up a lot and many times it was projectile. It wasn't exorcist projectile - but it was hitting 6 inches consistently. When she screamed it was awful. Her body was rigid and she seemed to be in pain. Every picture I took of her when she was in pain showed her little body contorted. She would claw at her face, turn red and start sweating. I felt so helpless to help her. Nursing brought her no comfort, instead it seemed to make the pain worse. Diaper changes were more times she screamed because she hated being on her back.

After Thanksgiving I made an appointment and took her to the doctor. He listened to me describe her symptoms and agreed that it sounded like reflux. He suggested two medicines and an upper GI. We decided to wait on the upper GI due to her young age and the fact that the medicines produced such a happier baby.

Within 4 hours of her first dose of zantac - she was a different baby. Mike and I sat around that evening not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Our little family had been so stressed and our days so tense that a night of quiet was odd. She slept and slept after that first dose. I think her little body was so relieved of pain that it relaxed and she rested.

She's still on the meds at almost 3 months old. Honestly, I'm scared to try a day without them!

She now nurses to sleep at times and comfort nurses as well. I breathed a sigh of relief the first time she stayed on the breast and nursed to sleep. I didn't know what to do with a baby who refused the breast for comfort.

 Maris likes her space. This is something different from my other babies. She is always in a wrap when we're out and about, but at home she prefers to be in her own space most of the time. We have this nifty rocker that is inclined and it's one of her favorite places to be. She's in it right now - half awake as I rock it with my foot. She sleeps in the rocker for most of her daytime naps and usually starts out the night in it before sleeping next to me. We don't have a schedule but she has a fairly predictable pattern these days. She wakes up between 6 and 8, nurses, is awake for a few and then shows me she's tired again. I use a large, thin swaddle blanket folded in half to swaddle her arms only, give her the paci and lay her on her side in the rocker. Sometimes she requires white noise as well. I discovered the other day that the air return in the hallway is a good place for her to sleep if the a/c unit's fan is running.

In some ways she's very high need - because when she's unhappy it takes a lot to settle her down. Maddie cracks me up with her term for swaddling: "Mom, you need to caterpillar her up!" But on the other hand she's an easy baby. She sleeps so well - often only waking up once in the early morning. Sometimes I have to wake her up for a random reason, but usually she's good from about 9 or 10 until 3-5 a.m. She sometimes nurses around midnight, but not always. I feel very lucky in that respect. My other two snacked all night long. I feel better rested this time around and with three little ones I need all the rest I can get.

Maybe it's just that I feel so much more confident in my mothering that it seems a little easier this time around. I just know how to "do" babies.

I still stare at her when she's asleep at night. My heart swells with the love that only a mother or father can truly understand. I am amazed at how much love I can have for each of my children. My heart split open wide the moment I saw her little head emerging. (I loved her before then, but there's something about the moment a child is born that seals them to you forever.)

Sometimes during the day - instead of folding clothes or unloading the dishwasher - I sit and hold her, talking to her, telling her stories and how much she's loved. I marvel in her smiles and love her pouty faces. I cherish each moment of my baby girl's day.

Getting it right... finally

It's taken us almost 7 years and three kids to find our groove as a family.

I'm not sure why, but I've always balked at following a routine or schedule. A free spirit - I prefer to float aimlessly through life. Sadly - it's not always an option when you're deep in the trenches of motherhood and your little ones need structure.

My years as a mother have been fraught with stress over not being a good housekeeper - my laundry is always out of control and my house feels cluttered and overwhelming on a daily basis. I've cleaned out, gotten rid of and re-organized the spaces in my house so many times I've lost count.

The addition of a third little one to our family has caused me to seriously re-evaluate my domestic status. I'm tired of being a slave to my house and dare I say a slave to my (older) children. I've grown tired of picking up after them when they are capable of picking up their own toys. I'm over asking them to do or not to do things over and over and over and over.

So 2012 is the year I get my house and my life in order!

I ended 2011 by deciding to let go of a few things in my life. The hardest decision I had to make was to put homeschooling on hold and send Maddie to first grade. I love having her at home - I love Classical Conversations and teaching her myself. What I didn't love was the fact that she was disrespectful and obstinate about reading and writing. We could sit and do math all day long but when it came to reading we hit a wall. She could read, but she wasn't progressing in my opinion. A perfectionist like her mother, she would hit a word she didn't instinctually know and stop. Asking her to sound it out was futile because she would rather die than do that! This led to a lot of frustration for both of us.

It's been a rough transition for all of us. The first day was great. She was excited and came home so happy. The second morning and every morning since then there have been tears and begging. However she comes home every day and tells me that it was better than the day before. If she wasn't coming home happy I would pull her out in an instant. But I know it's just as hard for her to leave mommy as it is for me to send her to another person for schooling. I miss her. I miss her help with Maris, too.

But there's also this part of me that loves having the two older ones in school. It's so nice to have peace and quiet during the day. I'm actually getting chores done early enough to find time for ME. This is something that hasn't been a priority really, nor a reality.

The biggest benefit of Maddie going to school though, has been the forced routine and organization. I have to get up early in order to make sure she has a good breakfast, her lunch is made, folder in her bag and get her to school on time. The mornings of Wyatt waking up at 8:30 and racing to get ready for preschool are over because he wakes up early with his sister. We are finally finding a rhythm and routine in our family.

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Tonight I'm going to bed with an empty sink and a decent amount of clean laundry. My kitchen isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but I can work on it some more tomorrow. My floors need to be swept, but I can do that tomorrow as well.

The house seems to be staying cleaner with the older kids both in school - and that's a huge sigh of relief for me :)

Another unexpected benefit is for my laundry basket: Maddie isn't constantly changing her clothes all day as she was when she was at home!

So little by little I'm finding my groove. We've got a rhythm that will only get more defined as the weeks go by. I miss my little girl and boy while they are at school, but I swear I'm a calmer, nicer mom now when they are home.

It's what works best for our family at this time in our life - and that's ok.

The birth of Maris Josephine

There are so many things I want to write about when it comes to my pregnancy and birth. I think a lot of these things are keeping me from finishing my birth story. I created a document for it the night Maris was born, and I’ve been picking away at it for the past almost 6 weeks, but it just doesn’t flow quite right - just yet.

The one thing I wanted to share is that I began this journey with very few expectations. I expected to have a much more positive experience and I expected to have excellent midwifery care. Those were probably the best expectations I could have had going into labor. 

It will surprise many in my circle, but I have no real regrets or hard feelings about how things turned out. Because I allowed myself to have no expectations for labor and birth - I was able to go with the flow and course of events. Had I created expectations for my birth I would probably be an emotional mess over how things actually turned out. I had hopes and aspirations. I hoped for a home, water birth. I hoped for a smooth and peaceful labor journey. But more than anything I desired a healthy baby and to be healthy myself.

It’s been a long journey. It started with an elective c-section for my daughter’s birth, continued with a repeat c-section for my son’s birth and ended with a vaginal birth after two c-sections. We planned a home, waterbirth. But anyone who is a parent can tell you that planning things can be dangerous! Life rarely goes as planned and God’s design for my life is often different from what I think needs to happen. 

In the end I couldn’t be happier with the end result. It just took a while to get there!

I can’t remember what woke me up Wednesday morning, it may have been my cat Azzie. She usually sleeps with me, but as my pregnancy progressed I was less tolerant of her attempts to cuddle with me at night. She would usually get the hint, but that morning she was insistent on laying right next to me. I was laying on my side when I felt an odd sensation - it wasn’t a pop, more like a tiny gush. I reached down and felt a little bit of moisture, but dismissed it due to the increasing juiciness one experiences in the later stages of pregnancy. However, about 5 minutes later I had that weird feeling again and decided to get up and go to the bathroom and see what was up. I slid towards the end of the bed and stood up and felt the “pop” as my water broke. Stepping over the puddle soaking into my carpet - I made it to the toilet and sat down. My pajama pants were soaked, but it was clear and I was thankful for that.

I called to Michael to bring me a towel. He was in a pretty deep sleep and it took a minute or two for it to register with him why I needed the towel. I found a pad and put on the fresh underwear and pants Mike brought me and climbed back into bed. I had paged my midwife when I was in the bathroom, along with my doula and chiropractor. 

Laying there, I experienced a range of emotions. I was excited but also in disbelief that this really was it. I was a tiny bit scared because I knew there was no turning back, as well. Mike, on the other hand, was riding the adrenaline wave. He got up and started setting things up. He blew up the birth tub, put down the padding and plastic sheeting. He created a “splash zone” where he taped plastic up the wall. Christy and Larissa gave him a hard time about that one! 

After talking with my midwife and the rest of my birth team, I decided to take a shower. I wanted to at least have nice hair in the pictures - LOL. I felt calm and peaceful, while my husband experienced the frantic craziness of emotions. I have to say that he accomplished much while he was riding that wave of adrenaline!

My contractions were coming every 5-7 minutes and lasting about 60 seconds each time. I embraced each one as it came and thought only positive thoughts. While I was in the shower they seemed to pick up a bit and I enjoyed the feeling of the water pounding on my lower back. 

Christy arrived while I was in the shower and Mike seemed much more relaxed after she was in the house. Larissa came in next, followed by Angela. The atmosphere was joyful and excited. I rushed around the house getting the kids up, fed, dressed and ready to go to their school activities. I was thankful it was Wednesday and not only did Wyatt have preschool, but Maddie had her Classical Conversations class until noon. This gave me some much needed quiet time. 

While I was in the shower Mike had blown up the birthing tub and put the plastic down underneath it. I laughed when I saw his splash zone - he taped the plastic sheeting midway up the walls. There were lots of laughs about just how water would splash up that high during labor or birth! 

As I was running around taking care of last minute details - my contractions all but stopped. It was almost like I put them on hold. After the kids got off to school and we all enjoyed breakfast (scrambled eggs with spinach and salsa and cinnamon rolls) - we settled in to wait. I remember that Christy and Larissa were knitting up a storm, trying to finish up their baby projects. Larissa was making a beautiful cotton, rainbow blanket for the baby and Christy was working on a pair of baby leg warmers. 

The conversation was light and comical. If anything we were going to laugh ourselves to a baby - that was certain. Every so often I would have a nice, strong contraction but they just weren’t coming with a force and rhythm that I knew was needed - plus I was on the clock.

Sometime before lunch I talked to Vicki again and she told me that she’d spoken to Dr. Maher and he was willing to give me 18 hours to get labor started and at that point he preferred me to come into the hospital to start IV antibiotics. I remember counting hours and thinking I had until about 11 p.m. before we’d have to transfer...

The day continued and after a rather hot walk that didn’t do much to stir up contractions - we piled on my bed and discussed what the do with the rest of the day. About this time my friend Rebecca stopped by and we decided that we’d all go to lunch at the Thai restaurant. We sent Mike off to drop the dog at my parents’ house and to go to the gym  - he gave me some ridiculous order of what he wanted. It was some custom dish that included veggies, chicken, pork, eggs and pad thai sauce. I told him that Angel (the owner) wasn’t the type to do custom orders. I showed her his requested list and she flat out refused to add the pad thai sauce or eggs to the dish. I had a good laugh about that. 

Angela, Larissa, Rebecca, Christy and I had a nice lunch - with nary a contraction. After Becca dropped me off at home, Larissa and Christy took their time coming back - trying to give Mike and I some time to ourselves. But I was antsy and eager to find something to occupy my time and since my water was broken, sex was out of the question. (LOL). Instead I re-booked my hair cut appointment (I cancelled it earlier in the morning when I still thought labor was eminent.) At the very least my hair was going to look good!

I was really missing my kids by this point and decided that after my hair cut was over Mike and I would go pick Maddie up from my parents and bring her back to the house. I wanted Wyatt, too - but he was so needy that I knew it would end up making me crazy. 

My friend Liz came by to bring us dinner - a yummy roast she slow cooked all day (that gave Mike HORRIBLE burps later on that evening). We decided to take a long walk and Liz and Maddie joined us for part of it. On the way there I found myself wanting to cuss out a man in a pickup truck who didn’t stop for us to cross the street. Then a woman backed out and moved her car onto the sidewalk where we were walking (and Maddie was riding her bike!). And finally some teenage girl who lives in my neighborhood and drives a huge redneck truck vroomed by and blew her TRAIN horn, nearly scaring Maddie off her bike and us out of our skin! 

As Larissa, Christy and I walked around the track at Plew Elementary my contractions started to pick up and once again I started to feel optimistic that maybe things were starting to progress. The sunset was beautiful as we walked and I remember feeling happy. We were expecting Vicki and Nora to come over by 7 p.m. so we started heading back to the house around 6 p.m. I also really had to pee! When we got back to the house I panicked because Mike wasn’t home and I thought he had locked us out  - but thankfully the door was open and I raced to the bathroom!

The kids were at Awanas from 6-8 p.m. and Vicki and Nora arrived about 7:15. I had decided to bake a cake - hoping that spending time in the kitchen would scare up some contractions - it always seemed to work in the past. The house smelled fabulous and I was enjoying the time with my friends - but I knew we were most likely heading to the hospital.

The mood was positive when they arrived - I did my assessment with Vicki and everything looked good - except the fact that my cervix was closed and I wasn’t contracting. I was thinking that we had a little bit of time before we had to head to Baptist. I decided to take a bath to try and relax as the tension was high in the house. 

My mom and sister had picked up the kids from AWANAs and my mom was going to run back to the house and pick up some clothes and return shortly to stay with the kids. I was thankful they had arrived from their new home in West Palm Beach - just hours before everything got really crazy.

No sooner had I turned off the water and stretched out in the tub than Vicki knocked on the door and told me we needed to get moving and get up there sooner. She’d already asked my mom to be back at the house within 30 minutes (a surprise to me). 

I think this was the most stressful part of the entire experience for me. I like smooth transitions and this transition was anything but smooth. All the preparation we’d done for our homebirth meant nothing at this point and I found myself having to quickly pack a bag for the hospital. I grabbed some pajamas, underwear, my contacts and glasses, a few outfits for the baby, my laptop and chargers and my favorite blanket. Looking back - there were several other things I wish I had packed, but I survived on the barest of creature comforts. Thankfully I’d just gotten my hair washed and cut so I didn’t have to worry about washing my hair (so it didn’t matter I had no shampoo/conditioner or even a hairbrush!). I also forgot to pack deodorant, slippers, lotion and any kind of bra. Thankfully Mike saved me the day we went home - but I’m getting ahead of myself!

As I raced around the house throwing things in my suitcase, I became super emotional. I wasn’t upset necessarily about having to go to the hospital - but I was upset at the lack of time to explain things to my children. Maddie and Wyatt had been shuffled from house to house during the day and now they were home and happy to have their Mimi - but upset that Mommy and Daddy were leaving.

Now I had talked to them throughout my pregnancy about our plans to have the baby at home, but also spent a lot of time discussing the fact that if something didn’t go right and I needed more help to have the baby that we’d have to go to the hospital. I felt that I’d spent a lot of time preparing them for whatever scenario. But none of that mattered at that point - they were distraught. 

Maddie was crying because she wouldn’t get to cut the cord. Wyatt was crying because he was overtired and didn’t want his mommy to leave. My mom was back and we were ready to go - I was crying, Maddie was crying, Wyatt was crying, Mike wasn’t crying but he wasn’t smiling either. 

We finally got out the front door and remembered something that we’d forgotten. Christy ran back to grab it and reported that the kids had already settled down. 

On the drive to the hospital, Mike and I talked about the course of the day and what was  to come. I sent a few text messages out (even though I’d been ordered to stay off my phone by Christy and Larissa - yeah right!). I didn’t update everyone - I wasn’t in the mood. I tried to process what was happening. I was frustrated that my body didn’t seem to be working right. I felt dysfunctional. 

We arrived at the hospital, meeting Vicki and Nora in the parking lot. Christy and Larissa were behind us on the interstate, but they got lost once they got into Pensacola. They ended up parking somewhere far away from the ER (where you had to enter at night) and walked around outside the hospital trying to find a way into the building! 

I will say that our transition into the hospital was incredibly smooth. They were expecting me and Dr. Maher had left his orders. We walked up to the nurses station and they told us which labor suite we were going into and so started my hospital birth experience. 

My nurse for the night was Ashton. She seemed young to me. She was relatively new to the L&D floor I believe. Despite her quiet nature, she was very sweet and a capable nurse. I remember that she numbed my vein for my IV and how nice that was! She checked me - My cervix was <1 cm, 80% effaced and -2 station (which Vicki said was generous). It was almost midnight.

She started the pitocin at 1, explaining that they’d turn it up once an hour. I asked her about taking something to help me sleep. I’d been up since 5 a.m. that morning and I was starting to lose steam. I knew I was facing an uphill battle and would need my energy. After considering my options I decided on an Ambien - hoping to get at least 4 hours of sleep. Vicki and Nora left to get some rest and told me to call if I needed them. 

Shortly after that I started to get sleepy and Christy and Larissa left the room to scope out a place to rest. 

Mike and I slept for a few hours and I remember waking up with some uncomfortable contractions. I was pretty disoriented at first - I knew I was in the hospital, but my concept of time was really off! For one, I didn’t realize that Larissa and Christy had hung around for a few hours before heading back home to Niceville. It was an hour drive - so they got home between 3 and 3:30 a.m. It was about 4 a.m. when I woke up from the contractions. I tried to breathe through a few - but felt very limited in my ability to move and change positions in the bed. Mike was snoring loudly and I knew he needed his rest in order to support me later so I tried to manage on my own. 

I think I first texted Christy and Larissa around 4:30 a.m. I heard back from Larissa right away. She was nursing Lucja and trying to get her settled. She told me she’d just gotten home and I felt bad about texting her! Christy was dead asleep and never returned my text. 

After much effort I was able to rouse Mike - but at first he didn’t do so well. I think it was the adrenaline of “this is really happening” mixed with lack of sleep - but he was physically sick for a while. I also think it was because his support team was no longer there and he really relaxed when they were present. Around 6 a.m. I called and woke Christy up - feeling horrible for her lack of sleep, but I really needed her to come back. 

At some point between the phone call to Christy and her arrival - my nurse came in and we changed over to the telemetry monitoring so I could move freely. This made a huge difference and Mike and I took to the halls - dragging my monstrous infusion contraption along the way. I walked, squatted, leaned over the nurses station, dangled from Mike’s neck - I tried to use all the positioning techniques I’d learned about. Mike was great - rubbing my back, dragging the IV pole thing, encouraging me every step of the way.

We went back to the room after a while (actually we were back and forth a lot so I could use the bathroom frequently). At this point I found the most comfort on my knees leaning over the end of the bed. We took the cushion from the fold-out bed that Mike slept on and I used that under my knees. I remember putting my headphones in and turning on my music at that point. Looking back I wish I would have listened to my music more during labor. There were two songs that really moved me during my pregnancy - both sung by Mindy Gledhill. “I will rest in you,” and “What heaven sees in you” are songs that literally bring me to my knees - they’re my prayers to God. As I listened to them, the tears were streaming and I felt myself give into my body just a little bit more. I lost myself in the music for quite a while and at some point I looked up and Christy was there. 

Melissa was my daytime nurse - she told me she had been a doula before ever going to nursing school and this brought me peace. 

Dr. Maher came in shortly after that and checked me. After 9 hours of pitocin my cervix was still closed! Not for long though. I’m thankful he didn’t tell me what he was going to do before hand, but the pain was intense. 

“You’re 4 cm now!” he proclaimed as I wiped away my tears and drew a ragged breath. 

He explained that there was scar tissue keeping my cervix closed and that after he broke through it I dilated to 4 cm easily. Everyone in the room cheered at the progress. Vicki called to check in and I updated her. She told me she had appointments during the day but would be by later in the day to check on me.

Dr. Maher stayed to talk with us for a few minutes. He explained that as long as I continued to progress at a reasonable rate he would continue to let me labor - barring any other complications like fever or fetal distress. I remember asking him if he would be ok with me getting in the shower since I knew that I probably wouldn’t be allowed in the tub since my water was broken and for so long. His reply was “You can do any of that nuts and berries stuff that Melissa is willing to do.” This made us all laugh!

“Oh and I refuse to deliver a baby in the shower,” he added.

He left for his office and the mood in my room was much more upbeat and hopeful.

At this point between the progress of dilation and turning up the pitocin some more - my contractions started to become more intense. 

I’m not completely sure what Mike and Christy were up to - I was obviously in laborland, but there were some funny pictures on my camera around this time. Something about Mike taking pictures and Christy making funny poses while she was doing counter pressure on my back during contractions. 

Details are a little fuzzy but at some point before the pictures the nurse Melissa put me in the low-Fowler’s position in the bed (sitting up with knees bent and feet touching). She told me she wanted me to hurt - because that meant the contractions were doing something. She was right - they hurt worse. At this point I wanted to be anywhere but in that bed!

After the required 10 minutes in the bed ( I swear it was much longer than that) - Melissa let me get up and move around. I probably could have walked some more, but the contractions were fairly intense and I wanted the privacy of my room. I spent a lot of time on my knees, leaning over the edge of the bed while Mike and Christy took turns rubbing my back. Unfortunately every time I leaned over, the fetal heart rate monitor would slip off and we’d lose the heart rate on the monitor. Usually the nurse would let it go for a while and then come back and readjust it. The baby was doing great though - she was moving around and had a strong heart rate. 

My nurse came back in to give me some great news - I could get in the tub. She actually  went and looked up their protocols and said that they allowed for women to use the tub after ruptured membranes! All I could think about was how much I wanted to be in the water, but first she made me sit in the bed again so she could get a consistent strip on the baby. (This is when my love/hate relationship for her really started). 

I fulfilled my duty to give her a continuous strip on the baby and after gathering all my cords and strings - we made our way into the bathroom where a glorious tub of hot water awaited me. It took me a while to get into the tub - but once I sat down I was in heaven.

Until Melissa told me I had to lean back in there. It made my contractions so intense. My tailbone hurt, my hips hurt - I had a horrible stitch in my ribs... She brought me a plastic stool to press my feet against since I was of “short stature.” I started to hate the bath tub at this point.

Once she left I changed positions - The only place that felt good was on my knees. Melissa came in once again and said I was going to have to get out of the tub and back into the bed. I was distraught. I understood their need to monitor me more closely, but it was starting to make it difficult for me to cope through contractions because the only positions that brought me relief were ones that caused the monitor to fail at its job. I remember asking her if she could use a handheld doppler to check her heartrate - even suggesting at one point that she just sit there and hold a doppler on me continuously if it meant I could stay in the tub on my knees.

She didn’t go for it.

At about 12:20 she checked me again - I was still at 4 cm, but 90% effaced and the baby was at -1. I was frustrated that I hadn’t dilated anymore, but everyone else seemed ecstatic that the baby was moving down - so I decided to be happy about that, too. I was still in the tub.

Unfortunately my moments in the tub were about to end - after some discussion about an intrauterine pressure catheter, which would confine me to the bed completely - I hit a mental and physical wall. I was tired, I was frustrated and honestly I was about ready to give up. I knew if I had the IUPC that I wouldn’t be able to get on my knees or move around and that my time would be limited because my pain tolerance was already going downhill each time they cranked up the pitocin.

I asked for an epidural. Actually what happened was I said if they were going to do an IUPC I would want an epidural. And then 5 minutes later I sent Mike to the nurses station to ask her to go ahead and order it for me. 

It wasn’t in my plans - I wanted a “natural” birth. However it also wasn’t in my plans that I have ruptured membranes for 30+ hours at this point, or that I have pitocin - hell I wasn’t even planning to be at the hospital!

However - it was a tool available and it was something I decided on myself. No one suggested it (although I’m sure they were thinking about it). 

(Did I mention how LONG it took me to get back in the bed? I kept having contraction on top of contraction and I so didn’t want to be in that bed!) - Sometime during my attempts to get back into the bed I mouthed “I HATE YOU” to my nurse’s back. Christy and Mike found this quite hilarious apparently as they laughed at my scowling.

After a bolus of IV fluids my savior (and what a hottie he was, too) walked into the room. Christy called him Dr. McHottie! He was rather nice on the eyes and good with his hands as he placed my epidural in under 5 minutes. He chatted with us for a few minutes as it was taking place - he was impressed at my attempt for a VBAC after 2 prior c-sections and wished me luck. I had a “zinger” down my right side - and he suggested I lay on my left side as much as possible because of this. By 1:30 p.m. I was finally feeling comfortable.

Once I was in less pain I was ordered to take a nap while my husband ran off with my doula to get something to eat (and find something else to stare at other than the crappy artwork on the walls - or something to that effect). I was also ordered to turn my phone off. 

I always have trouble listening....

Honestly all I wanted to do was call my mom and check on the kids. I checked with our nanny - who was driving home from college to take over with the kids that afternoon and I texted one or two friends who had sent me texts. “Yes I’m still alive, no baby yet.” Then I turned my phone off and tried to doze...

At 2:30 I was 6 cm and 0 station, making slow but steady progress.

About half an hour later Dr. Maher came in to check on me - he was happy with my progress and said he’d stop in again after clinic hours were over. At this time my midwife, Vicki, came back up to see how things were going as well.

4:30 p.m. - I was feeling lots of pressure and asked Melissa to check me again - 7 cm and 100% effaced. I was also getting very grumpy. I remember being irritated with my midwife (who I love dearly!)  - I didn’t want to be irritated with her - but I was.

Looking back I’m convinced that I was starting to transition at this point - because things started getting rather crazy at this point...  I was still having the weird stitch in my ribs on the left side and then I started feeling pain only on the left side, but it was right on top of my incision scar. Immediately I started having all these negative thoughts in my head. Was my uterus rupturing? Was I going to die, was the baby going to die? I didn’t share any of these thoughts - but they were there.

My nurse and Vicki both showed a lot of concern at this point (5:30 p.m.). We were all thinking the same thing - was it a sign of a rupture? The baby looked great on the monitor - but with each contraction the pain got worse. Melissa called Dr. Maher and they decided to turn the pitocin off (it was up to 14). Both the nurse and my midwife thought my epidural was functioning normally, but Mike and Christy decided to roll me to my left side and see if that helped. Mercifully it did! 

The pitocin was off and my contractions spaced out a bit - but I was still contracting regular. My body was working! This made me very happy :)

Around 6:10 p.m. Dr. Maher arrived and took a look.

“Well let’s see what you can do,” he said. 

“Excuse me? I’m ready to push?” was my approximate response. I was in shock! 

Things were happening so fast - people were moving around in a flurry and I distinctly remember shouting that I wanted Mike involved - he was sitting on the pull out bed looking a little bewildered. There was a quick change of positions and he took hold of one of my legs. 

I pushed through one contraction and there was a knock at the door. It was Angela. 

“Can she come in?” a nurse asked - as several of us shouted “YES!” It was actually funny. It was clearly - “get her in here now!”

Angela has this uncanny ability to show up at just the right moment. I can’t remember if Christy had texted her that it was time - but the fact she walked in at that exact moment was nothing short of a miracle. There was some scuffling around and Angela asked for permission to photograph the entire birth (typically this is against hospital policy - it’s emblazened on the wall!). Dr. Maher said he didn’t care and she started to document the process.

At this point Dr. Maher got up and said I had some work to do to get the baby down and that he was going to be close by and to call him when I was ready. 

I was determined - excited and running on full adrenaline. I could feel NOTHING as far as my legs and bottom were concerned - although I could definitely feel the pressure of the baby coming through my pelvis. I worked hard to push, that’s for sure. I was so worried about being ineffective at pushing because of the epidural that I tried extra hard.

It wasn’t long before Dr. Maher was called back in - maybe 10-15 minutes. There was so much excitement in that room. Vicki coached me in my pushing - which was wonderful. She was so encouraging and positive - I’m so thankful that she was there with me even though it was not at home. 

Time seemed to stop for a few minutes - no one could get the baby’s heart rate. It was definitely scary. I could feel her moving so I knew she was fine - but Dr. Maher was so not ok with it. It was an electrical problem. They tried two fetal scalp monitors and the leads for both of them didn’t work. Someone ran to another room and tried another cord and that one didn’t work either. The normal corded monitor didn’t work and I could see the concern on Dr. Maher’s face.

Then Vicki grabbed the telemetry monitor and just held it on my belly - I think the sweetest sound was the baby’s heart rate coming out of that speaker. I knew the whole time she was fine, but it was reassuring to say the least. 

Even though I couldn’t feel the progress I was making because of the epidural - I could see it in the mirror they positioned. Being able to see the progress with each push was huge for me. I know a lot of people don’t like to look - but I found it amazing. I watched as her head moved so close to crowning. 

This was the moment I became super emotional. There’s a picture Angela took of a single tear on my cheek - I was waiting for the next contraction and it was the moment I knew I was actually going to push her out. I remember Dr. Maher saying something about how my changes of a repeat c-section just went out the window because I was going to push this baby out. I started sobbing - from happiness. I was overcome with joy. 

I was empowered.

At 6:49, after just over 30 minutes of pushing - Maris Josephine Hinze was born and placed on my belly. I reached down to pull her up closer to my chest and we quickly realized that the cord was a bit short! 

The rest of the details are a blur at this point. I remember Mike cutting the cord (boy was he proud of himself!). I remember pulling her up for our first snuggles and how peaceful she was just laying there looking at me. The nurse for Maris was very accommodating with my wishes, but I did allow her to take her for a few minutes (maybe 5 or less) and then she was back on my chest. She latched on for the first time at 7:26 p.m. - like she was born to breastfeed. She nursed for an hour and 10 minutes. 

One thing that I remember clearly was that after my placenta arrived there was discussion about it being small and circumvallate (google it) - and that there was a small, partial abruption. I remain incredibly thankful that it didn't detach further and that God's hands were on Maris and I during the delivery.

Looking back on the past 10 months I feel so blessed. I had a pregnancy surrounded by support from a community of women who know birth. Having friends like Christy and Larissa (and Angela, Vicki, Shay and a long list of others -) who answered my questions, listened to my worries and fears and encouraged and empowered me as a woman and mother was priceless. I feel like I climbed the Mt. Everest of the birth world - in having a successful vaginal delivery after two c-sections.

I am forever filled with love and gratitude for the women who helped me reclaim that power of being a woman who is strong.

And I could not have accomplished this feat without my husband - who supported my desire to have our baby at home. In the face of adversity and disappointment, he remained my rock of support and encouragement (except for those few moments when he turned pale and had to excuse himself from direct views...). He refused to let me give up - which I was ready to do at a few points. I can honestly say that this experience has brought us closer together and given us a stronger marriage. He’s changed so much as a father and husband through this experience and once again I’m thankful that we’ve been able to share this experience together. 

So, was it the birth I wanted? Not exactly. But it was the birth I needed to have. 

And so Maris Josephine was born - in a way different from that of her siblings’ entrance into the world. She is a much loved baby - adored by her brother and sister and coddled by her parents. 

She will grow up knowing her birth story - and knowing the women who helped her come into this world.

Maris Josephine Hinze, October 27, 2011

Head: 13.5 inches

Chest 13 inches

APGARS 8/9 (I believe but didn’t get confirmed)

6lbs 15.7 oz

19.9 inches long