The connection of mothers in times of grief

As a mother my heart is broken for Taylor's mom. I find that - like several of my friends- I burst into tears or feel my eyes well up at just the littlest things right now. I purposely avoid driving down Hwy. 20 where Taylor's name is spelled out in cups on the chain link fence - balloons and flowers threaded through the metal maze. 

None of us knew him - or even his parents - but the grief of a parent is powerful and the mere thought of losing a child - on a day when you're not remembering the person who has recently lost theirs - is enough to bring me to tears. Add that to the reality of what happened this weekend and it's a little too close - and it is a reality for his parents. 

My mom friends and I talk about it - it's part of every conversation. We wonder how his parents will manage - how will they cope? What will they do? Will they stay in this community or leave in the hopes of not being reminded every waking moment that their son is gone?

I talked to Maddie's teacher tonight and she'd just returned from his parent's house. She said the football team is embracing his parents - spending as much time with them as possible. The boys who live across the street visit and eat dessert with them every night. They've been overwhelmed with the love and support of a community.

When I first asked if I could bring a meal to Maddie's teacher - she said it would be great - but then I offered meals for a week and she said it wasn't necessary. I begged her to reconsider - promising it would be a blessing she needed for her and her family. I am reminded of all the meals brought to us when I was on bedrest with Wyatt - at least 6 weeks of meals every other night... My MOPS group kept us fed and even let Maddie go to MOPS without me. Women from the ladies Bible study came and cared for Maddie during the day so I didn't have to worry about being home alone with her. We were blessed by the love of our church family - and by my family who was there no matter what we needed. 

Talking to Ms. L. tonight she said one of the church pastors said that she was just going to have to accept people's offer to help. 

You see we get so determined and proud - we don't need help - don't need a handout - charity.

But what we forget is that for the people doing the act of service - it's not done out of obligation, but love  - and because it makes us feel like we're helping in some small way.

The community doesn't know what to do with its grief - hundreds of mothers are mourning along with Taylor's mom - weeping and wailing over the loss of a son. Fathers are mourning with his father - in their own sometimes emotional, sometimes stoic ways.

One of my good friends told me she didn't know how I went to the service yesterday - and to be honest I don't know how I did it either. I went because it felt right - and I knew that in a small way I was helping the family - even if it was just to open the door a hundred times and help people find a place to sit. 

The process of grief and life after a tragic death (or any death really) is slow - and hard. There are steps forward and steps back. After the uncontrollable weeping subsides you're numb - just going through the motions, but not processing life at the moment. I can't remember what happens after that, but I know the anger will come.

The first time you're alone is terrible - the house is quiet - whatever noises you once took for granted - like the sound of my grandfather snoring in his bed - are missing and new noises are heard. And then there's the silence - so loud it's deafening.

 Shadows of movement - figures of your imagination are playing tricks on you constantly and you question whether it's really real - this idea of your loved one being dead. 

Even though I'm a Christian I believe that some people are very sensitive to the spirit world - I've seen spirits or what i have always called shadows -  all my life in fact. So maybe those shadows are a loved ones spirit just checking in to make sure things are alright. It's still unnerving  - whether it's your mind playing a trick or the real thing.

It's only time and God's grace that heals the hurts. I remember the day my grandfather died - like it was yesterday. The last vision I have of him is still disturbing to me - his body - left on the floor where he fell - his soul already departed and his face blue as the fading night sky. 

I was haunted by that image for a long time - it still haunts me now if I dwell upon it too much. 

My prayers tonight for the Haugen family and the people who were there with them when Taylor died is for those images - that final scene - to be replaced with something more beautiful and happy - something that will glorify Taylor in their mind instead of bring sorrow.

Or maybe it would be nice for their minds to be blank as they slip into slumber - and may their sleep be peaceful and restful so they can rise and face the day strong and resilient tomorrow.

I love you.

Maddie's Grocery List

She's going to eat it and make it the antidote for the world....?

milk

eggs

chicken

soup

salt

bbq sauce

french fries

jelly

apples

pork

peaches

oranges

ice cream

bread

we need change mom, how will we get change? she asks

Almost down the drain

We have a pet fish - a beta. His name is fishy - but previously his name was E-mail and I'm certain there have been a few other names as well.

We've had him for a while - a year maybe? I purposely got a beta because they require little to no maintenance other than feeding. The sales guy at PetSmart assured me that these fish lived in very muddy, murky water and for that reason didn't really mind it if I happened to not change the water for a few weeks at a time.

Well - it's been more than a few weeks - in fact it's probably been about 4 months since I last really cleaned out the vase where he lives with his blue, glass rocks. I've added water when the levels got a little low and fed him every few days, but I must say that it's started to look a little gross lately.

So this afternoon I decided to change the water and give everything a nice rinsing.

Now if you've ever tried to catch a beta in your little fish net you know that they are tricky little things to get and prone to jumping.

So imagine my shock to see my little guy project himself out of the net and into the garbage disposal as I was trying to put him back into his now clean environment!

My girlfriend Angel was watching me as it happened and she laughed quite a bit - thankfully the girls were playing nicely and weren't there to witness me dumping the fish down the drain into the garbage disposal!

I dread my garbage disposal - it's the most disgusting thing in my house and no matter how much I scrub it and bleach it - it still amasses this congealed black slime that stinks awfully. 

It's also ancient and in need of replacement - and I was NOT thrilled about sticking my hand down it to hopefully rescue the fish.

(sidenote: the guy at the store also told me how these fish could survive out of water for some time - he was explaining this to me because he had dropped one of the two fish we were buying - oh from about 3 feet - onto the floor. He assured me it would be fine... and it swam for a few weeks before dying, but it was never quite right - i think it sustained brain damage from the fall!)

It took a few minutes, but with Angel's help we located the fish and I thrust my hand into the slimey goo and chased a flopping fish amidst the rotting pasta (that i discovered during the fish rescue - yuck!)

Success came finally and I plopped him back into the vase of clean water - half expecting him to instantly float up to the surface belly up... but he didn't and several hours later he's still alive and seemingly happy in his clean little home.

Whew!

Wyatt, 20 months old today

It's hard to believe but my little boy  is 20 months old today! I can't believe that in just 4 short months he'll be 2 years old! He's still very much my baby, but at the same time so independent and every bit the crazy toddler.

I was taking some silly pictures tonight - with the laptop. He sure is a little ham! 

It was a long and rough afternoon - I went to Taylor's service - which was phenomenal. Pastor Ausley amazes me - he is so blessed by God with the right words. Chris Cadenhead performed a song called "love them like Jesus" - and while he maintained composure - no one else did. I prayed for him before he started singing - knowing how hard it was going to be for him to get through the song. I kept myself busy greeting people - directly them to the overflow seating (which reached capacity as well...) I think there were close to 2,000 people in attendance. I also helped with the reception before finally leaving at 6 p.m. I had arrived right at 1:30 p.m. Pastor Ausley told me before I left that he has never been more proud of the people in our church than today - how many came and served, ministering to so many in so many ways - from directing traffic, driving shuttles, helping greet and direct the masses - preparing the reception and the list goes on and on. 

Returning home - I cuddled up with my little ones. Life is just too short to worry about whether I scrubbed the toilet this week - or if I unloaded the dishwasher first thing in the morning. I may not have the most tidy house - but my kids are loved and they know how much I love them. We play - go on outings, we pray together - read scriptures together - we go to church where we are encouraged to live our lives for Christ - those are the things that are important - not if I swept the floor....

So here are pictures of my little guy today on his 20 month birthday. He got his halloween costume in the mail today. Yes - I've already thought about that - much to the thanks of his grandmomma paula - she helps me stay organized for the holidays. We've already started talking about how we need to look for their Christmas outfits NOW!

So Mr. Wyatt is going to be a cowboy - in fact maybe I'll tell people that he's going to be Wyatt Earp! He looked so cute in his costume - and he was quite full of himself in that hat! I need to find him a pair of boots (I'll have to ask my girlfriend angel what size the ones her daughter wore last year... they're red, so they'd work just fine if they are the right size). 

Maddie got a costume, too - a ballerina one! However I've put it up and out of sight because I'd like it to still be "new" when halloween comes around - If I let her have it now it might be stained or damaged by the big night! She has plenty of dress-up stuff between now and then anyways!

Wyatt and Mommy tonight! Sleepy boy!

This kid has some crazy talent! 

He likes to make us laugh by

sticking two pacis in his mouth at the same time!

Just call me Wyatt Earp!

Mike says it's time to cut his hair, but I'm not ready!

Someone called him a girl this weekend - Mike was NOT happy!

He's got such a cute little smile!

A few more tea pictures

I think I'm finally recovered from the Ladies Tea - it took me about a week to get to feeling back to normal!

The church has posted a photo gallery from the tea and the pictures are stunning...

Ladies Tea

Ready? GO!

So even as I'm sitting here - unmotivated and pondering so much about life, love and family - my little boy Wyatt is amusing me and warming my heart.

This boy loves balls - big, small - it doesn't matter. 

He also loves to talk and I'm amazed every day at what he adds to his vocabulary minute by minute.

I've been loading the dishwasher and he's been in the kitchen with me (NOT NAPPING) tossing around a ball. 

Honestly I was so caught up in my thoughts about the Haugen's that I was not really paying attention to just what he was saying as he would throw the ball, run and grab it up and do it again.

But for a moment I stopped with the dishes and watched him - and realized he was saying "Ready? GO!" as he threw the ball each time.

I also watched him as he discovered another ball (adding his number to 2 that he was carrying) and when he found it he said to the ball, "I see you!"

I'm so glad that I have little ones around me to cheer me up anytime I am sad! 

He's grown weary of the balls for the moment and I just heard him turn on his little Thomas laptop computer. He's clapping to the music - turning it on and off just to hear the same song over and over...

I love that when I say "I love you" to him, he answers with "TOO!" which is ironically the same way maddie started out saying "I love you, too."

Thoughts on the hometown tragedy

How quickly life goes from one extreme to another. 

A parent's excitement to see their son play a game he loves ends in a tragic death and a family and community numb from shock and sick with grief. 

I woke up yesterday morning dreading my call to sing in the band at church. I dreaded it because I tend to be a very sensitive person when it comes to the pain and grief of others who are hurting. I knew that once I looked at the anguished faces I would not be able to hold myself composed.

Emails from band members let me know that we would be changing the song set and I drew a hot bath so I could spend time in prayer and in my scriptures. As I poured out my heart to God  - pouring out my sorrows and grief for this family and our community - I was overcome with such pain and sadness - putting myself in the position of a mother who lost her only son - her only child - and the tears just wouldn't stop coming.

Eventually I pulled myself together and managed to get my hair to cooperate and make-up disguised some of the darkness under my eyes.

We came together before the service - as we always do - and all was fine until members from the choir - people I know to be close to this family - came into the room - their faces red and puffy and the tears flowing freely.

I lost it at that point - and it was only the rehearsal.

Then as we gathered in prayer and the band leader prayed so fervently for their family and all those touched by this tragedy and spoke how we were all parents and the thought of losing a child is so horrific.

We prayed for the boys who tackled Taylor - to give them peace and closure - and to touch them with God's grace and not Satan's guilt. 

Composure came once again - but disappeared the minute our head pastor addressed the congregation. He explained that some things people say during a time like this can be very hurtful and that saying it was God's will or it happened for a reason was not true.

Sometimes bad things just happen and it was not something that God caused or wanted or planned. It was just a tragic event.

He reminded us that the Bible says that in all things God works for the good of those who love him - but that that verse doesn't mean that God wanted this to happen. 

I believe that good will eventually be found in this tragedy - whether it's one teenager finding christ through this tragedy or many - I know that the life Taylor lives is a testimony to the love of Christ and lives will be changed because of his commitment to being a Christian and follower of Christ. 

This tragedy has affected so many - down to even my little girl. Yesterday she remarked to me that Miss Sophie, her sunday school teacher was sad and left to go to church. Sophie is a high school student who is amazing with the little kids. She felt the need to be with her friends in the youth group yesterday - but her absence caused my sensitive little girl to ask questions.

And questions deserve answers - but how do you explain to a three year old that a boy has died? 

I explained it the only way I could - with the truth. I was very honest with her about what happened - explaining it in terms that hopefully she can understand. We talked about how sad his mommy and daddy are right now and that when he died he went to heaven to live with Jesus and that one day he'll see his mom and dad again - but not for a long time. 

She seemed satisfied with my answers - asking a lot of question about him getting hurt very badly. 

Even her preschool teacher - and class are affected. Ms. Kathy - Taylor's mom - is the classroom assistant (co-teacher) in one of the classes across the hall from Maddie's room. Ms. LaVina is best friends with Ms. Kathy and sent an email out explaining that she would be taking the week off to be with her friend and their families. Her son was best friends with Taylor.

Our church and community has gathered around these people who are grieving - offering them love and support and whatever help they need.

The only thing I can think of to do at this time is to help Ms. LaVina and her family by arranging some meals so they don't have to worry about cooking... it's a small thing, but I know it will be appreciated.

Tomorrow is the service - it will be immense - and hopefully a wonderful celebration of Taylor's short, but full life.

I'll be in the audience - instead of on the stage - My heart can't bear to see the faces of sadness again. There was one man in the front row on Sunday - in his 60s or 70s I'd say - openly sobbing.

My heart is full of sorrow - but I trust God to give us hope and joy as we continue on in our lives -